It’s hard.

It was never meant to be easy.

Because he chose the uphill road from the get-go.

No.

The path chose him.

-

He rattled his fingertips on the table top, knowing, fully knowing it irks his brother.

“Stop it.”

There it was.

He blew air out of his lungs, releasing a quiet sigh.

“You’ve changed a lot.” Kwangmin smiled softly, leaning his face against his palm as he watched the other man. “It’s like I’ve never known you.”

“And I thought I knew you.” Youngmin said, voice having a certain bite.

“Relax.” Came the calm voice. “We don’t need the drama in this house.”

“You don’t want them to know.” Youngmin stared into Kwangmin’s eyes, the first time since yesterday. “But you let me know?”

“I did wonder if you’re better off in blissful oblivion.” Kwangmin shrugged. “It’s not like I told you I’m helplessly in love with you and need you to breathe and survive today.”

“Kwangmin.” Youngmin said sternly. “You said you loved me, not as a brother but as a man to another.”

“Yeah? And which part of that sounds like “helplessly in love with you and need you to breathe”?” Kwangmin chuckled lightly.

Youngmin flinched, the nonchalant attitude of his brother pissing him off.

“If you had the brains to realise you don’t want our parents to know, don’t you think it was something you could have settle yourself and get rid of those feelings while you’re at it?”

“And Youngmin.” Kwangmin said quietly, eyes losing the smile previously in them. He watched Youngmin wait, narrowed eyes reminding him of the look of disbelief he got yesterday.

“If you had the brains to realise I could have done all that, don’t you think it was something I couldn’t have gotten rid of?”

-

Youngmin groaned as he stuck his face into his pillow and yelled.

It’s as if he’s been struck with a sinner tag on his head ever since that fateful day.

”You said you needed to talk to me?”

“I love you.”

“Kwangmin, what is-“

“Not as a brother but as a man to another.”

“…” Youngmin narrowed his eyes, brows furrowed in concentration. “…what? Kwangmin, do you know what nonsense you’re spouting?”

“Enough to speak it to you sober.”

That selfish bastard.

Think he can just suddenly pop that confession and expect others to deal with the consequences.

He was always selfish, and Youngmin always let his younger brother do as he pleased because Youngmin thought he could afford to spoil him a bit. Guess he was wrong.

Every time he looks at his parents, there’s this strong urge to tell them they have a son that has a problem. Leak the secret, shame his brother, end his own suffering that stemmed from his twin brother’s sudden words of love.

And then Kwangmin’s at the side eating so casually, telling his mother it was a great meal as usual and Youngmin feels stupid for even being so bothered.

It’s a phase, he tells himself. It will pass.

-

“Youngmin, mom says to get the groceries.”

“Get it yourself.” Youngmin growled. “Can’t you see I’m tackling a project?”

“I wonder who else has a project to do.” Kwangmin tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Oh right, your twin.”

“You said you were half done, and I’m nowhere near the start.” Youngmin gave a deadpanned look. “Have some sympathy. Go get the groceries.”

Kwangmin sauntered over and let himself look over his brother’s shoulder to see the said project that they had for their university module. It wasn’t like they were looking towards the same degree, but their university was so hopeless that the only good modules outside their degree could be counted with two hands. They managed to enrol in one same module this semester, and Youngmin was still slightly conscious of his brother to say they should pair up with other course mates.

”Suits you.” Kwangmin shrugged, heading off in the opposite direction.

Youngmin let his eyes linger on Kwangmin’s back view. Has the phase passed?

“Man, you’re hopeless.”

“Thanks. So go get the groceries.” Youngmin sarcastically thanked, waving his brother off.

“Okay.” Kwangmin smiled, watching Youngmin look up to confirm what he just heard. “If you kiss me.”

Youngmin’s eyebrows twitched as his hand balled into a fist and he struck Kwangmin’s stomach.

“Stop kidding.”

Kwangmin laughed heartily, staggering out of Youngmin’s room while cursing him in the most colourful language possible. “You owe me one!”

-

“You look awfully close with that partner of yours.” Kwangmin commented, staring as Youngmin finally closed the door after seeing his said partner off. “Minwoo, was it?”

“He’s awful at projects but good at making you not hate him for it.” Youngmin lamented. “We’re far behind deadline and he just doesn’t care.”

“ to be you.” Kwangmin shrugged. “Just tell me if you guys ever decide to hook up.”

“…what?” Youngmin scrunched up his face. “Not Minwoo, man, no.”

Kwangmin smiled softly, eyes not leaving the floor. “I would know.”

Youngmin stayed silent, weighing his words and his thoughts.

“Kwangmin.”

His brother raised his head sharply, eyes awaiting.

“Get over me.”

-

When Youngmin does the harshest thing like knowingly exclude Kwangmin from his plans to supposedly make the younger’s feelings fade, Kwangmin wonders if he could live up to his confession months ago.

It didn’t even bother him that Youngmin was doing all these and trying to avoid him, it was sometimes even funny to Kwangmin.

And Kwangmin wonders if he really loved his brother in a way that it would be a taboo to speak of it in public, in front of their parents.

Maybe it’s true.

He just needed to get over this ridiculous phase because it’s just a phase.

And when he walked on the streets and saw Youngmin and his project mate wear matching scarfs with held hands, it didn’t affect him as much as he thought it would.

-

“.” Youngmin cursed, entering his house quietly and looking around cautiously.

It was 2am in the morning, worst time of the day to be back from a trip to a bar.

“You’re back.” Kwangmin stated quietly, considerately lowering his volume for his drunken brother. “Where were you?”

“Shut up.” Youngmin growled, the trail of tears and hastily wiped mucus still apparent on his otherwise pretty face.

“Wasn’t it like your third month anniversary with Minwoo or something?” Kwangmin asked, tone amused.

“Don’t mention that bastard.” Youngmin stumbled over his foot, only managing to get onto the sofa with the help of his twin. “That guy was two-timing me all this while.”

“Or you were the third party.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Minwoo’s dating Donghyun-hyung.” Kwangmin shrugged. “It’s kinda known worldwide but you insisted on a relationship with Minwoo then. You know right, that infamous retainee.”

“Why didn’t you ing stop me.” Youngmin groaned as he felt a migraine incoming. “And why did he ing let me.”

“They were going through a rough patch. Donghyun-hyung’s retained for the third year and undergoing self-esteem issues so Minwoo kinda wanted to play the jealousy card.” Kwangmin ed two buttons from Youngmin’s shirt, heading to the kitchen for a cup of water for the other.

“How the hell did you know all this?”

“I got punched.” Kwangmin chuckled lightly. “He told me to lay my hands off his man. When he was told he got the wrong twin, he apologised and we got acquainted from there.”

“Sounds very nice of him.” Youngmin mumbled. “I can’t imagine a fuming man apologising.”

“You do know that we’re quite known in the campus, right? He does know that we’re twins.” Kwangmin shrugged and held out the cup of water for Youngmin. “Anyway, you knew Minwoo was manipulative and you chose to confess anyway. Donghyun-hyung knows it too. That brat is good with his cards.”

“…so I confronted Minwoo and he said he wanted to end things with you already, but it wasn’t like you guys had anything serious going on so there was nothing he could suddenly explode on. Told me to inject the idea of celebrating your anniversary so he can go crazy and ask for a break up.”

“.” Youngmin hissed, tears falling once more. “You ing planned it with him.”

“To be honest I didn’t think he would really carry through with it?” Kwangmin tried to hide his wry smile. “But he’s really a force to be reckon with, I see.”

“Is this the best you can come up with for your heartbroken brother?”

“…”

Kwangmin watched Youngmin battle himself against the alcohol, trying to keep awake to get to the bottom of things like why Kwangmin would side with an outsider. It was ridiculous, he literally planned to backstab him where it hurts the most-

And the aching headache was mild in comparison to the gentle contact between a pair of lips and his own. Youngmin squinted his eyes open in his drunken state and felt Kwangmin come closer, his arms both pinned down. The other ravished his lips with growing intensity, tongue slipping between the gap to fight his for dominance.

Youngmin jerked, fighting the restraining hold and the insolent tongue that dared announce a battle. His fingers sought for the collar of Kwangmin’s shirt and he clenched his fist around them, pulling him closer but also trying to push him further.

Kwangmin cursed, pulling away as he felt a painful sensation lingering.

“Why did you bite my tongue?”

“And why did you kiss me?”

“…you owed me one.” Kwangmin smiled softly, watching Youngmin stared back wide-eyed. He made a quick move, leaning down to peck his brother’s forehead. “Rest well.”

“We need to talk.”

“In your state?

“You should have gotten over me.”

“I did.”

“Kwangmin, that wasn’t normal.” Youngmin clutched his head but stared steadfastly at his lookalike.

Kwangmin sighed, not turning back. “I thought I got over you, and I kind of did.”

“That doesn’t make-”

“I got over you. But when you get so heartbroken over another man and cry in front of me looking so fragile, thoughts of “I could make you happier” invades my head and I think, “yeah, I definitely could.”.”

The back of his twin looked familiar.

“I got over you.” Kwangmin took a step forward, further from the man with the same DNA flowing in him. “But I also fell for you.”

-

Kwangmin pressed a light kiss on Youngmin’s nose and laughed as Youngmin scrunched his nose in disgust.

“Get lost.”

“I don’t intend to.”

Youngmin groaned as he rolled in bed and tried not to yelp in pain as the alcohol from yesterday made his head ache like a thousand trains ran over it.

“What do we tell them?”

“That’s your job.”

“, Jo Kwangmin.” Youngmin hissed, face scrunched up even more.

Kwangmin grinned, pressing another kiss, this time on Youngmin’s lips. “You’re the one who ran up to me last night.”

“I ing regret it.” The older twin took in a deep breath. “I was down in shambles being dumped by Minwoo last night. Let’s pretend it never happened.”

Kwangmin smiled softly, ruffling the other’s hair. “Do you need me to repeat what you said last night?”

“Shut up.”

“…let’s give it a try.”

-

It’s hard.

It was never meant to be easy.

But mountains were meant to be conquered.