3 AM Thoughts
Stories, Scribbles and Shots.I wonder what it will be like if I actually quit f(x).
Ever since I was little, my dream was to act. Not sing. Never imagined I would dance, even. But I accepted it. How stupid was I? I wish I could travel back in time and slap the coward kid I was. I am.
Ever since I was chosen as one of the candidates to debut under a girlgroup, people started throwing daggers at me. I wanted to refuse to be a potential of a group of performers, but what chances do I have? Both choices of accepting and refusing only leaves terrible consequences. Dropping me off the company after my training contract expires or partly giving away my dream to do something I hardly can do.
A lot of persuasion and even more thinking drove me to the latter path, thinking that hard work will pay.
But really, there are more obstacles that that.
Accepting the fact that I am picked as one of trainees debuting gave me the nickname that haunted me for the rest of my live - "SM's Princess".
That is the conclusion they came up with after wondering how on earth am I able to pass the auditions to be a candidate.
I suppose that is a suitable nickname. I can't do anything at all can I? Even after training hard. I'm probably still the same since the beginning. Just like what they always say. I never really improved. That is the fact. People who don't have any talent in an area should never push themselves too hard. Because the outcome would be the same anyways.
Pathetic. What was my hard work all these years for then? Tears back then flowed day and night for being unable to synchronized the dance moves, keeping up with the other final candidates.
Even Soojung, who has less experience than me was able to do it. Getting praises at times.
What did I miss? I am not gifted in dancing? I knew it. Who do I blame? God? For making me stupid in dancing?
No. No, of course not. Of course Soojung practised hard too. Everyone does.
It's just me. I'm just incapable. But I keep persisting.
Alas, what is the outcome for being a hard worker? Nothing is out there.
As years passed by, I keep fighting alongside f(x).
They are fighting too. To be better.
But never am I able to keep up with them. To stand alongside them in terms of dancing.
How pathetic am I, even after all this years.
What can I do? Singing? Well, it was something I was more passionate about.
But still, I'm no good. What do I have? The others are way better than me. Their outcome shows. Their hardwork shows.
How come mine doesn't?
How COME?
Life is never fair, is it? How can it be, when you have someone like me, standing in the same group with some as perfect as Park Sunyoung?
She can do everything I can. Doing it better. Far better than I do.
A double threat. A triple threat, even.
She is even capable to clear out the insults and hatred thrown towards her. She was able to manage her time to tone herself while at it.
Working out. Dieting.
How blissful.
If only I had the time of the world to do such things.
Demands and insults wanted me to be skinnier, too. To not just be Sullovely on the dace and Sullaphant in the body. But then again I was the busiest member of f(x). And it's not like I absolutely love how I look.
I should have listened to Amber. Ignore the haters. I was born this way, anyway. Why should I change it using the way I do not like?
I did it anyway. I listened to the people I don't know rather than a good wise friend of mine, altering a part and went with the easy route. But nothing was going as how I wanted it to be.
They got mad.
They made fun of me for the carboxy shots.
I still remember that period of time.
How many times have I ran away to not hear those mockery?
How many times have I quietly sobbed in the car pretending that everything is okay, telling myself that it is something natural for a celebrity?
To think that there was a point when I was strong enough to get used to those swearings that I can just laugh it off, swallowing my own tears.
Even at that one time when some random guy called me out for being fat on television. Thank goodness I did not break out at that time. I think others would have noticed my watery eyes if Amber didn't say a thing.
What an incredible promoting era. Especially on how insomnia strucked me so awfully, even worse than Amber's.
I hate them.
I hate those people. It's so hard to please them. Idols are always wrong in their eyes.
Why, why did I agreed to it?
Why did I lost focus on acting?
Why did I think that my dreams will change into singing, one day?
That my hard work will pay?
It never did.
Nothing ever did come to me.
My passion never changed either.
It never did.
I thought it did, but I remember coming to a realization when I started acting again.
If only the image of idols are not that bad.
No.
This isn't right.
If anyone is at fault, then it should be me. Right?
I knew getting shots is a bad idea. It would just bring me hate. I should have just ignored them. But I couldn't take it anymore, that's why I did it.
No, no. I never know the future. They might start to not comment anything about my body if I endured any longer. I should have ignored them. Listened to Amber. I should just be myself. Why should I care of their opinions? My face alone is fine.
Is it? Song Qian and Soojung are able to manage their body even though they have packed schedules like me. They even are one of the tops when it comes to certain parts of the body. Then why can't I? I'm just making excuses again, huh. Pathetic.
But then, aren't there several types of bodies? I am born this way anyways. I should have listened to Amber.
I should have.
Amber.
Amber and Sunyoung.
I wouldn't say they have average looks, but they are not amazing either. But they are natural beauties. That is what people love, don't they? They love natural people.
I would proudly say that I am natural too. And am prettier than the both of them. That's why I have more jobs.
That's why.
That's it.
That's the only thing I probably excel at.
That is.
The ONLY thing.
Right?
What am I, in terms of talent? Compared to them? What a joke am I. The two of them can practically make a perfect duo. Two can dance, two can sing, one has shown her acting skills, and the other has shown her composing skills - now what is an important piece that is missing?
Nothing, I would say.
And Soojung? She always gets job from wherever. Even more than me perhaps. Besides, she always have her sister to back her up.
And Song Qian? She can just go back to her homeland. Even after all of this is over, she will have nothing to worry about. She always gets new offers every time she visits. Yet she's still loyal to us.
They.
They are still loyal to me.
They waited.
Even though our request for a concert is finally accepted.
They still waited.
It would be meaningless without me, they say.
But why? I am not talented. Any of the girls can replace me easily. I've seen it. They've seen it.
I know.
They know.
Why are they still waiting for me? I don't deserve the love from them.
I lost my willingness to practice until I feel like passing out already. Even people can see it through cameras. The girls do know that fact of me for sure.
It's useless.
I will never catch up.
I will never be good enough for them.
I never am. I never will.
They know it.
We all know it.
They are too nice. And here I am. Selfishly staying. And they understandingly accepted me.
Why? I don't deserve any love from them.
I am nothing compared to them. But I never had the courage go leave too. I am too much of a coward to pick on what I actually think is best for myself.
I never am. I never will.
I know it. I just know it.
I am a horrible person for being such an idiot. A loser.
When will I listen to myself, take a step forward to the reaching hands that have always been there?
Never. Probably never.
Horrible.
Horrible, horrible, horrible.
She pulled her face away from the pillow tortured by daily tears, regrets and depression. She threw the soaked pillow to the wall in front of her and tried to calm herself from constantly sobbing. It was four in the morning when Choi Jinri is covered with her blankets, dried tears all over her face as she finally sleeps.
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