I'm starting to get into serious bit of Homewrecker and its really making me feel bad about myself lol. I think it's because it's written in first person and I read so many "breaky down" fics that I have been in a really sad mood since yesterday when I posted my chapters up, and I couldn't sleep well last night. I know it's not just that though- the weather is so hot, I have personal stress in my life plus I just got yelled out terribly by my parents because I nearly drove into another car because I was getting flustered by them yelling about avoiding another car. Eeeeeuuurrghhh. All this mixed together is actually TERRIBLE.

But what's the worst is that when I'm writing homewrecker, I think throughout the day when I'm alone about how I'm going to write it, sentences I want to include, how I want it to flow- and normally when I write fics I would think something like "Taemin thinks he's so stupid". But instead I have to think "I'm so stupid" since I am in first person.

And I don't know, but I'm really getting affected by it, I think! There's only so much of writing "I'm so messed up. I'm so messed up" before it impacts on my mood! It makes me feel like I am a little bit messed up! 

I'm not going to go into detail about all the things that are making me depressed, but writing "i'm so messed up" makes the issues that are stressing me out heightened. I also really, really, really like fics where the main characters are messed up/broken down and I read one last night and I kept thinking about it last night and I'm so tired ;_; i felt like I was hearing this annoying faint drippy noise during the night and it was getting me quite upset since I was tired but I couldn't get my mind off this certain fic. It's called "He's Not Yours To Save" by 666damien666 and it's not even that bad its actually SO GOOD, like I've read some fics where the characters are really broken down and I've been fine. I think this is just affecting me more since I'm more sensitive to some certain things now? It's actually terrible, this is the first time fandom has negatively impacted me.

I like to think I have a good imagination to be able to write fics, but I think it's starting to get the best of me when I'm writing Homewrecker and I'm writing about how Taemin, or should I say "my" life is spinning out of control when I can't say that I'm that happy with my life in reality either. If you haven't noticed, all my fics deal with some sort of depression or something. It's really easy for me to write the depressive thoughts out, but it makes me depressed too because I start thinking about them. 

And then I get even sadder when I reread the chapter I wrote and think "oh my god this chapter is actually terrible noones going to like it and I tried so hard to put emotion in it and it's just filled with cliche noones going to comment oh my god"

aarrghh okay im going to write out my chapter and get ready to disappoint myself D''':