It's been very long ever since I start writing another blog. I thought I wouldn't need to write this but I was wrong. I thought once I start to tweet, venting out my anger, express my thoughts and whatever on Twitter, I will be fine, happy like how I used to. I am terribly wrong because I am still feeling the pain after so many number of days, weeks and months. It has been 3 months 20 days, 110days. Yet, I am still feeling that there is a huge piece of me missing, something is not right and everything will not be the same anymore.

So, here I am, wearing the shirt that I wore for Ggtour2013. This is the second time of me wearing, the last being the day of Ggtour2013. That day was special, everything happened on that day was special, I am very grateful to everyone who make this happened. That day was my best day in my whole entire of 17 years of life. Saying this... I am already a bit teared up, LOL. 131012, I will always remember this date because this is my first and also.. last time seeing OT9 performing in front of my eyes. If I knew it better, I would have cherish that moment even more than I did. If I knew it better, I would have cherish more chances to go to their previous concert in 2011 and other times that they came here. If I knew it better, I would have went for moshpit no matter what, no matter how tiring it is, no matter how hard it is in Smtown 2012. If I knew it better, I would have gone mama 2011. If I knew it better, I would...

It's too late, everything has turned into history. All of the " what ifs " have turned into history. Time isn't going to go back that moment anymore. These are the biggest regret I have in my life. I do not care about if I am poor or rich. I do not care if I ever going to date a guy or what. I do not care about anything. I just care about, happiness. And snsd is my happiness. I always think that snsd is a gift to me because they changed my life, my personality. They are my everything. My motivation, my love, my pillar of strength, the only thing I have to make me happy all the time no matter how hard, how lonely,how tired, how sad I feel. They literally saved my life. I learnt lots of things from them, it made me becoming a better person. I was not a human before. It was so so so freaking hard to believe that, I was only 13 years old before I knew them yet I was not even humane. All I thought was how to succeed, money, money and money. How to cheat on people, how to make everything mine, how to get good results no matter what. I lied, cheated, and more. I don't even have tears with me. I don't even feel a single thing towards my friends. They are just robots to me. It was terrible. So, I am really grateful that SNSD changed my life. I wouldn't dare saying how good I am now, because they are always room for improvement. I will, always, trying to be the best few hundreds of humans. They brought back my humanity.

I have love snsd for 3 years already. Another biggest regret was, I could have know them earlier and fell in love with them earlier so I could be able to see 9 together, in front of my eyes. Every single day of those 3 years, no matter how tired, no matter how sick I feel, no matter how busy I am, I will at least go to Twitter, go to Youtube, watch their video, get more updates of them. It's like a daily routine. A healthy one and also a happy one.

I do not know how much I love snsd. I really don't. But if you asked me, if I am willing to sacrifice my life to save any one of them, my answer is yes and still yes. I have lots of crushes before, I like a lot of people, I have a lot of fandoms. However, nothing can beat my love for SNSD. I love them the most. I think, other than my family, I love SNSD the most.

And, Jessica is my bias. One fine day, everything seemed so well. I was going to prepare to work. I just woke up like any other day. I on my wifi. I went to the toilet. I came back. I scrolled down my notification like any other day. Then, I was shocked, dumbfounded, confused, lost. I just screamed " what? " and I did nothing. I just froze over there and did nothing. I stared into space and I kept asking myself " what ? what just happened ? " I couldn't register anything into my brain. I saw a message from my friend telling me that Jessica posted on weibo saying that she is no longer a gg member and she was forced out. I immediately went to twitter and I found out that the whole timeline was a mess. Everything was gloomy, depressed, dark. Really, just darkness and confusion running through my head. I was still asking myself, " what? ". Then I saw a glimpse of hope that people saying that she was hacked. 90% of me immediately believed that. I was too slow to even react anything. I have been believe in soshibond than any other types of bond. I know they are going to disband some time later. I know someone is going to leave, but not that soon. i have been preparing myself for these moment but I am still not yet prepared. 

Just before that day, there is a news coming out that all 9, i repeat, all 9 renewed their contract. I was like " nah, haters ". I thought I was confirmed receiving another 3 years of OT9 in my life but I was terribly wrong. Before that day, I felt really really lonely for a period of my life. I was working, with a whole new environment and I have never done such a job before. I was working without knowing anyoen over there. It was hard, to communicate with them. Be it, the , how well they knew each other, whatever. I think that I couldnt blend in because they were just talking among themselves, leaving me alone with nothing but just yeah. I cried. and cried. My other friends that I knew better were busy with preparation of their major exams. I do not dare to disturb them. My new poly friends, I do not really know them. I am an introvert, I am not outgoing. I do not trust people that easily or just showing my real image to them. I am very fragile, I break down multiple times. And I felt really lonely. I was crying then I thought of SNSD, OT9. That, I still have them with me. 

BUT BAM, OH WOW. JUST FREAKING WOW, SUDDENLY EVERYTHING WAS GONE. EVERYTHING WAS FREAKING GONE. TELLING ME THAT MY FREAKING ULTIMATE BIAS LEFT JUST LIKE THIS WITHOUT ANY WARNING AT ANY KIND OF DAY. It was horrible, thoroughly horrible. Just horrible. 

Then, that day, 140930. I was preparing myself a little bit that it could be a fact while I am ready to make my way to work. Yes, I have work on that day, still. My heart aches while preparing myself to prepare for the worst but another part of me is still holding onto a glimpse of hope that wishing it is not true. It is just hacking which is kind of absurd to believe anyway which I did. After that, I went to Twitter again and guess what did I saw ?

A freaking confirmation by SM that SNSD will be promoting as 8 onwards. I just got on the freaking train to work. And I just do not know what to do. I just stared in the space, with my mouth slightly opened, hands tremble and fidget a bit, lied back to the supporter. And there. I just do nothing and just being there for 2 long minutes. The first question I asked myself, " What am I supposed to do now ? "

I kept asking myself, what am i supposed to do now. I am just asking what and what. I never asked myself why. Just whats and whats. A small part of me was telling my brain to accept the fact but it's like the fact is a huge cake. A very disgusting one. Its like 50 inches of cake. And you have to eat it. And that part of me was telling me to eat it. And another part of me was like, NO. And then another part was like, I can't finish this, I need time. Then, I went to work. Everything in my mind was Jessica, Jessica and Jessica. My eyes kept turning red because I chose the path to slowly digest and register it. Then I asked myself, " Do I want to be depressed and act like the whole world is ending and probably end up with depression and frown and cry every single second OR Do I want to be at least trying to be happy, trying to smile, trying to be positive? " I chose the second one. 

It's very hard. The days after that incident were the hardest. Especially the first week. I cried. In the toilet while trying to prevent my family from hearing it. I cried again lying down on the floor while staring at a part of my collection of snsd. I cried again while trying to sleep, every night. I cried again when I saw the other members crying. I cried again when I hear any snsd songs or anything got to do with snsd. The thing is, my life revolves around snsd. Even while eating, I thought of Sooyoung the big eater and I will thought of that again. Even while seeing cucumber, I thought of Jessica. Even while seeing sweet potatoes, I reminded of Seohyun. I couldn't play any snsd songs at that moment. Even the happiest song or hyped up song. I asked my friend what am I supposed to do and I can see that the days will be very dark. I am heartbroken and afraid to go onto that tunnel with just nothing but darkness. My life has became so dark.

In the past, I would search for Jessica the first in every single group photo and I did it in less than a second. It's like a habit. I felt bad whenever I did that but I just can't stop. I do not know why. I recognised her voice the first when I first started liking snsd because hers is the most unique voice I ever heard. The sharp yet sweet and cute voice I heard, registered in my brain the first time I heard it. At first, I admitted that I felt her voice is too squeaky and kind of annoying at times but this voice is the one I want to hear more and more. I am always excited to be able to locate her part in every snsd song. She's the 2nd main vocalist, no offence but obviously she got really lots of parts. My favorite song that can illustrate her beauty deep voice is, paparazzi. Also, divine is a good song. It was kind of boring at first. It's just like a really emotional sad boring song at first. Then I heard Jessica's part. It's gold.

Now, you tell me that I couldn't do that anymore. I could no longer anticipate her beautiful voice in any of the upcoming snsd songs in future. You know what ? I don't really wish snsd to come back or just create a song. I want to live in my memory of 9. I do not want reality to slap in my face harshly like none other's business but mine, that 9 is not going to happen anymore. It's 8 and will never going to be 9. Of course I know everything is not going to be the same anymore, even after Jessica is back. I do not hope that much that Jessica is going to back anymore because it just seems impossible. So what if she comes back, will the bond still be intact like how it was? I do not know and I do not wish to know. I want to stay in my "happiness" forever that, it's 9. Always 9. Nothing happened at all. Jessica is just on hiatus, she will be back. I know what I am saying now or thinking now is contradicting one and another. I know that very well but I am like, still have this glimpse of hope which wish Jessica to come back to SNSD but at the same time, I know that very well that that's not going to happen which is the saddest part.

I have lots of thoughts that run through my mind this period of time. Like, what exactly happened. Is jessica leaving because of tyler kwon. Is that her will to leave. Or sm really forced her out. I don't know. I am tired typing out my feelings tbh. It got to the point that I am tired, wow. Life has changed. Things have changed. I am trying to be positive and not feeling any sadness but I can't. 

I have sucidal thoughts before but I am more mature now. God gave me this life, it is not my right to end it. I am going to cherish my life and trying to live better. But sometimes I am just really upset and disappointed in everything. Life really got harder. In the past, I have snsd. Now, I am having nothing to be honest. I am not saying that the other 8 is useless or I don't love them. I still do. But the thing is that, the bond is gone. Everything that I believe in, is gone. Yes, the bond. Also, I still wish to see snsd in front of my eyes again. Be it 8 or what but I am sorry, I couldn't really imagine how hurt I will be in the concert venue because I know that the scene I always have been yearning for, is impossible to happen. Yet, I still want to meet them. But i have to admit that the feel is not that strong anymore, because my ultimate bias left.

For now, i just want to end this long piece of writing. I may continue from here the next time. I don't know. But, I will be positive. Fighting, taeyeon, jessica, sunny, tiffany, hyoyeon, yuri, sooyoung, yoona and seohyun. Fighting, 9.