Hey guys, remember that post I made a while ago? (First crush when you're 17? It's possible.) A couple of you were really rooting for us, hoping we'd end up together in the future. I was too. Until now.

I managed to start talking to him again. I finally gathered the courage to message him on Facebook and he responded! We talked all day yesterday and today! He was teasing me just like he used to, and I was so happy. Even my mom and friends were happy when they saw that I was talking to him again.

But then he stopped responding a few hours ago. And I just thought, "Oh well, that's normal. He'll respond later." 

And he did. Just a few minutes ago. He apologized for not responding earlier, because he was with his girlfriend. 

And now I'm here crying like an idiot because why did I think I even had a chance? I should've known that the moment he left, all of my chances were gone. I told myself that. I told myself that I was going to get over him, and that I was okay with us just staying friends but I'm not. I'm not okay now because now it's just official. I really have no chance and I never did. Now I'm just afraid to look at anything about him because I just feel like I'll end up seeing a picture of him and his girlfriend and I'll just loose it. 

I've never felt so strongly about anyone before. I never felt like my heart was capable of shattering into so many pieces until now and it hurts. It hurts so much and I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid to even respond. What do I tell him? "You have a girlfriend? Congrats! What's she like?" I don't even know her and I already don't like her just because I know that I can't be with him, and she's proof of that. Just yesterday we were talking about the new Hobbit movie and he was telling me about how he was going with his mom because no one else wanted to see it with him, and I'm here thinking, "Where was your girlfriend? Shouldn't she be going with you? Even if she doesn't like those types of movies, she should at least try to enjoy something that you like with you." 

And at the same time, I can't hate her. How could I? It's not her fault. She doesn't know my feelings. And she's making him happy right? Obviously if he's dating her then that means that he's happy with her. So if she's making him happy then that's all that should matter right? It should be. And I'm happy for him, that he could meet someone that made him happy. I should be happy. I should be congradulating him and telling him how happy I am for him and that I hope that she makes him happy like he deserves but I can't do that. Because I'm sobbing quietly in my room so that no one hears me crying and comes to ask me what's wrong. 

I just don't know what to do now. How do I even keep talking to him without seeming so awkward. When just yesterday we were talking about all of the great times we had while he was here, and how one day he would come visit and we could do all of those things again. How am I supposed to look forward to that when now, just talking to him makes me feel like I'm some trying to take him away from his girlfriend. 

As soon as I saw those words, I started thinking of all the things we used to do together. Of how we'd watch movie marathons together, or just go to the movie theater together almost every week. Or how he'd danced with me at prom even though I wasn't his date. How he tried for a week to scare me after we made a bet that he couldn't. How we'd always argue about who was taller when we were really the same height. How he'd sit next to me while I was doing my homework and purposely distract me so that I'd pay attention to him, or how he'd take my phone and beat my high score on every single game just to watch me struggle. How he'd always try to cheat on Mario Party 8, eventually give up, and then start all over again. 

Can anyone tell me how to make it hurt less, if that's even possible? Because right now, it's so unbearable. I just want this to be over. I want to get over him and find someone better. Someone who will understand that I'm shy and that I can't say my feelings. Someone that will be able to know my feelings before I even know them myself, so that I can avoid this from happening again. 

Someone please just tell me how to make the pain stop...