Last night I found out that a younger girl I’ve known since I was young had committed suicide.

And for some reason, this fact is only hitting me now.

She was about a year younger than me. Always been playful and cheeky, which is why I had always seen and treated her as way younger than she really was. 

I remember a few years ago, when their family came to visit us after about a year of not meeting, she told me she finally found what she wanted to do in life — be a model. Shock was the first thing that came to mind but I was pretty happy. This kid had never been good at playing nicely with other people, wasn’t very respectful to elders and just overall did not seem like she had a dream. But she did, in that moment, I thought Elaine would get far in life because she had us, people who believe and support her.

The last time I saw her was a month ago, at a camping trip our families attended. I was not able to speak to her a lot then, but I swear I saw her genuine smiles.

I don’t know what pushed you to just end it, Elaine. I still can’t wrap my head around it. It’s been less than 24 hours, y’kno. I’ve gone through those hours floating. As one of the older girls amongst us, I feel like I could have done something. As someone who has gone through depression, I feel like I could have done even just one thing. The other aunties told my mom there was not even a tiny indication of your feelings, but I understand — how would they even know, right? Though I still hope it did not have to end like this.

I can’t even begin to imagine what your parents are going through now and what they will continue to go through now that you’ve left.

I bet your mom hasn’t slept since last night, Elaine. I bet she’s blaming herself and I bet your dad’s doing the same thing. I bet he’s blaming himself for having that gun in the first place. 

I know your younger siblings are going through a very tough time. I know Honey’s doing her best to stay strong for your mom. And I know Janmer’s just trying to get a grasp of everything.

Don’t worry, Laine. Our families always had this very tight bond. I’m sure my parents and all the other families will take very good care of yours. Our dads have been together since before we were born, they would never leave each other. I’m sure my mom will tightly hug yours. I’m sure my sisters will embrace and cry along with Honey. And my brothers will do the same to your dad and Janmer.

I have many regrets, Elaine. That I should have spoken to you more, hoping that I would have known your feelings. And that I could visit your family as they grieve for you and to see you one last time. 

But since I can’t, I’ll do it here.. miles away.

I hope you’re happy, Elaine. I hope you’re done suffering. Watch over us, Laine. Watch over your mom, your dad and your siblings as they continue to grow. 

I’ll see you.