~START 11:48AM~

I need to get my life back on track.

I need to organise all the feelings and thoughts that have been clogging up my brain for the past, roughly speaking, year ago or so.

Screw my school life.

And VCE.

And my lazy, selfish personality that's getting me no where in life.

I feel like a big, fat piece of blob that's just merely existing in the face of the world.

But I know that I am more than what I think, because God says so.

I know, from that point, many different thoughts can arise.

I've got a lot of contradicting thoughts.

That I continue to doubt myself and feel so self-conscious about my abilities.

Yet still naively hold onto the belief that I am the daughter of the Most High.

The King of Kings.

My Heavenly Father.

Daddy.

I wish I have the obedience and innocence of a child. No wonder the Bible placed a special emphasis on children.

But the world is constantly putting pressure and expectations on me, I'm starting to doubt myself and therefore, gradually fall into this unknown abyss.

I used to be one of the smarter kids at school. I was put into extension class since the start of high school, despite my maths being relatively weak already. I think the school chose me because of my English and my deeper thinking capabilities? I don't freaking know. All I knew was that I was considered "above average" for my year level. Taking into consideration that I started year 7 when I was merely 12, that was kinda impressive.

But I think my pride got into me. Or that the extension class was too hard for me to handle. Whatever it was, my academic performance was slowly starting to fall off track.

It got worse when I was out of the extension class in year 10 last year. I had "graduated" junior high, if you'd like to call it, so no more extension class cause that's only for year 7 - 9.

Definitely part of the reason was because of procrastination. That little stupid bugger.

Maybe I was too lazy cause I thought I would still pass nonetheless? Maybe I was too distracted by my internet activities, like roleplaying, K-pop, AFF, etc.?

Maybe cause overall, I'm not motivated by academics?

This is something I really hate about myself. I am motivated by fun.

Others are motivated by a sense of competition, achievement, impressing people, getting a good career, etc.

I hate competition.

I'm still stuck in this sickly immature stage of being moved by a sense of fun and play.

Sure, I guess it'd contributed to the playful, easygoing and weird/funny personality I have today…

...but it's really detrimental on my professional life.

I see other kids here, on this site, who seem to be waaaay more hardworking than me.

There are people younger than me, who are probably smarter than me by ten fold.

To be honest, I am slightly ashamed.

Others might think that that fact alone should be enough to push me to do my best and excel.

But it seems like I have this "ceebs" label stuck on me since day one of high school.

Seriously, I'm the type of person who'd rather stare at a wall than do homework.

That's how bad my procrastination plague is.

Sometimes I want to mentally yell at God.

"Why, WHY am I like this?"

"Why am I made like this?"

Is it because of Satan? IDEFK.

But my procrastination and lack of time management in general is causing me to be in very deep waters.

Cause so far, I'm failing VCE.

Whoopee. -.-"

I have three warning letters sent home this term.

One for English Language, cause my work crap is overdue (blame choir performance on that due date) but I handed everything in before I'd even received this letter…???

So pffft, scrap that. I'm alright in English, it's just time management.

Second is Biology. Uhh...I admit that I'm not doing my best in this subject at the moment.

I like Biology, and I CAAAN do well if I tried, but chapter questions BSABDINGRTNJYMYJHNGFA.

THEY. ARE. SO. TEDIOUS.

And obviously, I would get one for Chemistry.

I don't even want to deal with Chemistry anymore.

I swapped it for Health. I love Health.

I'm actually surprised I didn't get one for Methods.

But yes, because I have 3 or more sent home this semester, school had to organise an interview with me and my mum to discuss about my "issues".

Great, I'm getting on the bad list in school. First that little stupid misunderstanding between a teacher on the phone (I actually like her. She was my geography teacher last year and I got like, A for that subject. ;;) and me while I was lost during an excursion not long ago.

And now my grades.

I cannot do Chemistry. I clearly cannot demonstrate outcomes needed for Unit 1 of Chemistry.

So that's one unit gone. Failed. 7 more units to go before I fail my school life overall and I can't get the VCE.

Teacher and I had come to an agreement that English Language and Biology were meeeh just because I can't get my work on time, not because I'm incapable of doing well.

As a perfectionist in almost everything I do, I take triple the time than normal people to finish my work.

Although usually my answers to questions and homework are extremely detailed and of A standard, it's the meeting of deadlines that's throwing me into danger.

Ugh.

And we discussed more about my current academic grades and I admitted that I personally don't think I'm doing well in Methods.

I have some of the lowest marks in SACs in that subject, excluding Chemistry.

So teacher is suggesting that I should change from Maths Methods to Further Maths, the "easy" maths, next year if I can't deal Methods.

Because even though Methods scales up and is a prerequisite to many courses in university, it's useless if I'm not able to pass the subject with a study score of at least 25/50.

At the moment, looks like I can barely scrape a 5 if Units 3 & 4 are hell next year.

Further scales down. Methods is up by a bit.

VCE is stupid. This whole scaling up and down in attempt to make this type of school system "fair" is really futile.

This is why VCE is stupid. An unnecessary competition for students, adding more stress and pressure which could even have a bad impact on teenagers, psychological speaking.

And oh look, if I choose Further next year, people are gonna look down on me as an Asian, yaaay.

No seriously, I swear there is this unspoken rule that all Asians have to do Methods, or Specialist (kill me please).

So there is this subconscious pressure...or burden, that I NEED to do Methods in order to get a good future.

SAME WITH TAFE AS WELL.

Like, if you go into TAFE or some apprenticeship course instead of uni, people in this society will always look down on you.

-.-"

So yeah.

It's either that I it up, work hard (harharhar.) and finish Methods to at least a minimum satisfactory standard (25 hahahaharharharhar.) to get the top uni course I want (Psychology at Monash) or drop it for Further and have a happier VCE life in place of it.

But teacher said that there's no point studying it if I'm not going to enjoy the subject.

;;

SEE. THIS IS WHY MY MIND IS BOGGED DOWN BY SO MANY CONFLICTING THOUGHTS EATING UP AT EACH OTHER.

Doubts versus my potential to succeed "if I tried".

But my obnoxious child in me says it's not worth the sacrifice.

ASFDGHJKULJHGERFWDFREWYTRJYK

I'm afraid that my school life is also impacting the relations in my family.

Because I know both mum and dad threw a major fit at me when they were continuously sent letters home from school.

Dad even threw a full rice bowl in anger during that dinner.

Dang.

One dorrar and a bit wasted.

 You know, it being an only child, having to take care of two aging 60+ parents soon.

And I'm only 16 now.

-.-"

This is also the reason why I DO need to do well at school, in order to get to good university, get good pay job, blah blah blah all that Asian talk.

Both my parents' health are getting worse.

Especially my mum.

High blood pressure, diabetes, insomnia, etc.

I shouldn't be making her so angry with my grades and bad habits, for the sake of her health and safety and freaking life.

But it's hard to discipline and control myself, you know?

Once again, I ask God.

"Why this situation? Why me?"

"Why is my character so bad?"

"Why am I so imperfect?"

I feel myself falling into this deep hole of self-pity.

Which is something I shouldn't be doing cause there's always someone else out there who is going through something more difficult than me.

People seem to perceive me as someone who has nothing wrong with her life outside school.

Aside from the little arm accident like a trillion years ago, okay that's it.

Naaah.

I know a lot of my friends in my lifegroup, as well as the leaders, always consistently ask me how I'm doing, and all those nice things.

I always have this habit of saying "I'm good."

Which in fact, I'm just pushing away all the burdens that I have and pretend that they don't exist.

Not a good idea.

Even when I once opened up to my pastor about it, I didn't exactly go through all the details.

It's too complicated to explain.

Too many factors come into play.

Which is why I'm typing this up now.

Trying to bring them all to light so at least I could figure out what the flying truck is wrong with me.

Sometimes, I hate myself.

Why am I so reliant on God?

Why is it that all my other friends at school seem to be dealing with VCE just fine, and even doing well and excelling in it without God?

How can they do it?!?!?!

But I guess through this current experience, I can say that I've learnt to really trust in God throughout the dark times.

I have still not nailed letting go of my pride and surrendering absolutely everything to God, though.

But I do realise that I am weak and I am completely nothing without God, as much as I hate the fact.

I guess, having all the pressuring school thoughts is a little bit more bearable with God.

Even if those two groups of thoughts clash together.

I really do believe that there is something God is trying to teach me in this season of life.

Trying to refine my personality and character?

In a way, I am sorta thankful for this opportunity.

If I focus more on God rather than the world…

Gradually, I'll start to see this whole situation from a wider point of view.

To be honest, I would just love to approach everything in life from a heavenly perspective, focusing solely on God.

But I feel that it is also impossible right now.

It's really hard to do my studies "for the glory of God".

When studying, to me, is pretty much mental suicide.

And in reality, studying is for your own good.

Not for anyone else.

Self, self, self.

I hate that.

I loathe it.

This world is so materialistic, so fast-paced that we often forget the beauty of life.

It's just so hard to find a balance between the two.

And it hurts.

I dunno.

I'm pretty much all over the place at the moment.

And I'm tearing up as I rant and type all this bullcrap and wordvomit.

Ugh.

Maybe some sleep will do. Hopefully. I don't have school tomorrow anyway cause GAT for smart year 11 kiddos and year 12s.

Clearly I'm not one of them.

At this state I don't think I could even handle ONE Unit 3 & 4 subject.

I worry for myself next year.

Ugh.

Gonna cry myself to sleep now.

While at the same time, I want to scream out to the heavens. 

"I NEED YOU GOD."

I am a mess.

A bundle of contradictions.

But God has called me for more.

Somehow...it will all work out for the good of all things.

At the end of the day, I'll come back to the cross.

Trying to leave all my worries, my burdens, my insecurities of life.

Unready...inadequate.

But knowing that there is a God out there who still loves me for who I am.

Despite my flaws, despite how undeserving I've been,  Jesus has taken it all.

Not FOR me, but in place of me.

~END 1:54AM~