It hurts.

He’s my last thought before I went to sleep that night (or day—I slept at 4AM after having a TaoRis fanfic marathon), and my first the moment I woke up. May 15 is a date we, EXO stans, will never forget.

When I first got a group message about Kris filing a lawsuit against SME—I didn’t believe it. I thought it was another chenfirmed rumor; coz isn’t that such a trend for the fandom? -_-

Then turns out it was true, according to a lot of people. We were a mess, weren’t we? We still are. I still am. Everyone’s panicking; no one really knows what exactly happened. I’m hysteric and I wanna know.

I just hate how this had to happen while I was in a hiatus from life. Just when I temporarily stopped role playing, just when my cell phone had no load, just when our Globe broadband decided to be disconnected—this is when all hell broke loose? It’s not fair. How was I supposed to get updates? It already frustrated me how we suddenly had no internet, coz initially, I planned on temporarily quitting RPs to watch Roommate, finish watching kdramas, catch up on updates with EXO’s comeback because—Yay, Overdose win. Yay, M!Countdown OT12 performance, they say. And then…. And then this. TToTT

Yesterday, I lied on my bed staring at my EXO posters wondering, thinking, and hoping… that this wasn’t true. I just couldn’t believe it. It’s such a huge surprise; no one was expecting it at all.

Then evening of that day came and I found a way to get internet. It took me hours of trying to get the Smart Bro to be loaded bcoz lame instructions aslkjafkjasfl and when I finally did, that’s when the world decided to give us a brown-out. And the laptop was almost dead, with only 7% left then. WHY GALAXY WHY. It was supposed to be a happy day because DARA IS IN PBB AND WHY YOU GIVE ME THIS BULL WHY.

When electricity came back, I had finished walking around the subdivision and the cold breeze of the night didn’t help calm my nerves at all. At least my chingu who bothered to call me and cry with me understands my feels over this bc ohmyghad why does this have to happen SM why.

Right now it’s 7PM and I’m wearing my realllllyyy big Chanyeol Wolf 88 shirt and I’m typing this in my sister’s laptop coz I don’t have internet access and I don’t have load and life is just plain depressing and I have no one to tell coz I know my sister’s tired of listening to me talking to myself and my rants and my mom would just think I’m overreacting and frankly no one cares and I’m supposed to be finishing the Lay fanfic I promised my friend I would finish before the 17^th and I just can’t write it because it’s about pain and love and love pain and broken promises and going away and never coming back and hoping and never-ending love and false hope and after I’ve written that angst part this news just slaps me in the face and suddenly I regret writing about something so sad coz now I’m feeling it and it hurts so much coz it feels like a boyfriend just broke up with me or a relative just died and today is supposed to be IU and Lauren Lunde’s birthday, I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m not and—wait ohmyghad our neighbor just gave us spaghetti and idkwhatthat’scalled, omg, thank you neighbor for making me feel slightly better with this gift of food although I still feel so sad and that’s not surprising coz the chocolate I just ate earlier didn’t even make me the least bit happy and s i g h. :c

It’s summer vacation and my life as a college literally starts exactly a month from now and I don’t think I’m ready coz the friends I love whom I usually just visit in their rooms back in high school now belongs to different departments, different schools, with different schedules and—who am I supposed to wallow in sorrow with now? s o b s. but it’s still summer and my daily routine still involves waking up-eat-sleep-wake up-eat-sleep and yes I only eat twice a day bc when I wake up it’s past brunch and now it’s just depressing how in between those… um, hobbies of mine, I unconsciously just keep my eyes open instead of sleep and I think and think and think.

What if Kris really leaves EXO? Didn’t the members know about it beforehand? Why is SME doing this? Why did Suho have to accept their trophy on stage for #1 alone in the midst of everything and show us a comparison of EXO’s two leaders—one who kept a smile on his face and “celebrated” their win, the fruit of the group’s hard work and efforts, alone to convince the fans that it’s okay, we’re still one; and the other who threatens to kill the bond of 12 aliens whom we all fell in love with, the cause of Tao’s depressing weibo post, for Sehun and Chanyeol to post those in Insta, for EXO to unfollow him except Baekhyun, for Tumblr and everywhere to be so sdfghjkl, for the upcoming concerts to be not as perfect bc what is EXO if they’re not complete, for our hearts to waver like this and it hurts so damn much why Kris why. What about the next episode of XOXO EXO? Will Luhan really be the new leader of EXO-M? Can you even imagine EXO-M with only 5 members, EXO entirely with only 11? Can you imagine how much pain they’re all suffering right now, bc look at us—we’re all in great pain and we’re just fans and I can’t even find the right words to describe it, but imagine how hard this is for EXO, for their friends, for their family, and ohmygad. Is it true—the slapping of BaekLu bc Luhan sneaked the laptop updating in the CR, the kicking of Suho, the members undergoing physical torture by the manager himself, the sasaengs and fans outside SME last night, and Baekhyun shouting from the 3^rd floor “Leave me alone”? What is that Wufan Weibo update about he’s okay “Wu Yifan is still here” bull why does that sound like a goodbye? After DBSK and SuJu, now EXO? Please don’t do this to SHINee too no pls I just can’t.

I stare at my posters and I think, if Kris really leaves EXO, I will rip all of these off. But I know I can’t do that, so I’ll just doodle on his face instead. Bc what is EXO planet without the Galaxy? I listen to their latest album and although I don’t understand a single thing, I love it, and I hate it at the same time because the rap has always been the part that I look forward to the most bc Chanyeol being my bias yes and in EXO-M, I just love TaoRis harmony okay and Kris, even tho just a week ago, I said I didn’t like your voice, that’s not true. You get kinda out of tune sometimes when you sing, and I don’t like listening to it as much as I love listening to Chen and Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s, and ofc Chanyeol’s singing unf, but hey, don’t worry. I don’t like Luhan and Key (yes SHINee my UGB) and Lay’s voices either. Altho this depends coz I only mean the singing, and there were times I was infatuated by you—like when you sang Call You Mine with Lay, and your whisper by the end of the rap in Baby Don’t Cry and your y deep baritone voice that makes my heart flutter especially when you rap, no joke, coz I always had this thing for rappers and—what is the point of this paragraph anymore idek.

I don’t think I can ever listen to any EXO song without having to wipe tears that are threatening to fall from my eyes anymore. No joke. I can’t believe I cried for you, Wufan. TELL ME WHY. IT’S MY TURN TO CRY. DON’T GO. This is totally worse than when Jonghyun had his car accident and—do you know how much it hurt to see a SHINee music video with only four members in it, instead of four? To see them performing on stage in a way that’s not as… SHINee as the usual coz the members are missing their shortest yet yummiest member too? At least, then, my heart was healed when Jjong came back. Did you see how obviously happy Key was to have him back? How each performance was 25 times better than the earlier promotions even tho it was farewell week just bc it’s 5HINee already? That’s the power of having complete members okay :c

I’m scanning thru the pages of my MYX Mag and Sparkling issues where EXO were featured and I just can’t help but internally sob and wail and wheeze because look its Kris holding the trophy beside Suho when they won in MAMA and what is 100 without the 00 gdi. And look it says “12 boys. 2 countries. 1 music.” TWELVE BOYS OKAY. TWELVE.

I find a note posted on the wallpaper of this laptop and it says—“With success came strain. Time was no longer available for leisure. It was no longer available for one to spend time with their loved ones or reconnect with friends. Time no longer provided intimate moments. It provided the opportunity for productivity in one’s line of work.” ©10080 by EXOBubz from livejournal

Is this why, Wufan? Is this it? Or was it because Tao forced you to buy too much Gucci? You can’t do this Wufan, bc even tho ihy sometimes and I love TaoRis so much, I kinda ship you with ChanBaek too even tho I will never admit that to the world, not even to myself (how cute you are with your twin tower and how perfectly Baekhyun fits into your embrace, your masculinity perfectly matching his femininity and ohmyghad even tho I want nothing to ruin my ChanBaek and TaoRis and HunHan and Kaisoo esp.) gdi.

Look I’m on the third page of MS Word already and ugh. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall for EXO, other than Chanyeol. No. I really shouldn’t have allowed myself to love KPOP, other than SHINee. Dammit. KPOP ruined my life. And I hate myself coz I don’t regret this at all. I can’t even remember how I felt when I used to hate KPOP back in 6^th grade. When I thought all Koreans look alike and, “Why do you even like that kind of music when you don’t even understand a single thing they’re saying?”

I don’t regret the summer of Grade 9 when my friends introduced me to SHINee. I should’ve kept my promise to myself tho. “I like SHINee, but never will I be a fan of KPOP entirely.” But when that didn’t happen, I should’ve continued hating on EXO. Because my friends who baptized me as KPOP stan, left me in the SHINee World and they all became EXOtics from EXO Planet. I should’ve kept my promise to myself. “I will only like Chanyeol bc he’s so damn adorable and ohmyghad isn’t it an awesome coincidence how he’s a tall rapper like my ever beloved Minho omfg” but that didn’t happen too, and now EXO’s my 2^nd UGB and although I hate the fandom (No one hates exo fans more than exo stans—you get me right? about sasaengs, like. the hate that ‘can I kill them’ literally. And no one hates exo more than exo fans—you get me right? about how perfect and stupid and alkjfasfj they are you can’t help but wish you had twelve hearts instead—that kind of hate that is just love overflowing tbh) sometimes and I can’t live without EXO as much as I can’t live without SHINee because goddammit my OT17 and SHINee sunbaes please take care of your hoobaes and omfg ELF sempais how did you survive when Hangeng and Ki Bum and ugh—why am I typing this again.

What did I get myself into.

Totally of six pages in MS Word and over 2.4k words, I could’ve written a fanfic instead but here I am typing nonsense coz I’m being overly dramatic about this issue. Can you blame me?

A part from my (pending) fic which I wrote a long time ago (wolf era):

“And when a happy virus cries… it’s just one of the most heartbreaking sights ever.

He had to be strong, though. There still was hope.

He had to be strong not only for the love of his life, but also for his friends. Kyungsoo, and the rest were hurting, too. He was the Happy Virus. The least he could do was to lessen the pain they were feeling by showing them that no matter how hard life might be, there will always be a reason to smile.

There still was hope to hold on to, and he wasn’t gonna let go of that. He’d make sure they wouldn’t.

Even if that which he was holding on to might as well be false hope.”

That’s about something entirely different but reading that now, how can I go on with what I’m supposed to finish writing if it’s making me imagine how that’s exactly what Chanyeol is feeling about this Kris thing and it totally mirrors what I’m feeling as a fan right now. I can’t. I just can’t.

For normal people, they call themselves “girlfriends” and the love of their lives as “boyfriends” but I am not normal and I call myself a “fangirl” and the love of my lives are “idols” and I don’t give a damn about what others think. I am delusional. Haters gonna hate.

We will survive this, EXO Planet.

Remember our hubbies—our 12 hubbies—still has to name our fandom and give us an official fanclub color.

I am still waiting for the moment for all of us to wake up from this nightmare and to be given the reassurance that this will never happen again because we are one. And, after everything, for EXO to have a concert in the Philippines—but not in Manila, please, coz I live in Cebu and I still have to marry Chanyeol gdi.

you, SM Entertainment.

We believe in you, Kris.

Stay strong, EXO.

We are one.