well, i haven't made a blog post like this in ages... let's see how i do.

m'kay, let's start with how we met each other. it was during september or october of 2012 when i first came upon aff and wrote my first fanfic. you were one of my readers and didn't comment much but i remembered you pmed me about what was gonna happen in my fic and that was the very first message of our like 8,000+ message conversation...

during that time, you also decided to start a fanfic of your own. back then you were an exo stan and so it was about an oc, baekhyun, and i think... luhan? i don't remember, but i think so. and daehyun, ahahaha i remember about daehyun and the fireflies and luhan seeing a purple unicorn at the end. and i also remembered the weird conversations we would have in the comment replies; bacon fights and unicorns and i just- i dunno, we were really weird xD

you also wrote other fanfics afterwards too. i'm pretty sure your second fanfic was another exo superpower fic, but you never really updated because you converted into an inspirit, which sprouted into a teen top and infinite fanfic, love and zombies! that was prolly your most successful fic, getting over 100 subs and 30 upvotes... i wanted to read that story so much. then you wrote a henry crackfic oneshot, an unfinished krazy kpop challenge thread, an angsty myungyeol oneshot, and a fic about mental disorders featuring all of your multifandom biases. that one seemed like a really good idea too, but never got to really put into action. you also wrote a continuation of hunteris5000's oneshot of myungyeol and was gonna be asiannoodle's co-author for... scars, was it? i forgot the title but... that never really happened?

anyways... after my btfg fanfic thing came to an end, i decided to make you my co-author for wwkr. oh, right! all of this was when you were vickietori and i was ljoelove1560... how embarrassing, ermagod past usernames are so humiliating, but chyeah. i think i may have chosen you over tammie just because of the fact that you were an inspirit, omg i'm such a bad person /slapped/ but yeah, this was when we became really really really close.

for some reason i was really picky about how the layout looked and you'd always freak about it and not know if you were doing it right but i didn't really care what happened ahahahah. you were a really big fan of big bang and ukiss so wwkr gladly got spammed with those and it gave everything a variety, yeah swag yo.

shortly after, you came up with the idea of using matching nicknames. it was your idea to use -MyungKitty- and -ByungKitty- since your bias was myungsoo and mine was byunghun, which was really genius and cute. i wanted to use --myungkitty and --byungkitty instead for some reason but who was i to complain? we changed it together and it made me really happy because it was like you really though of us as best friends.

ever since then, people always saw us as a pair. it was always "Tori this so Amber that" or "Amber this so Tori that". i used to get some wall posts or messages from random people who say they see me around aff a lot but in reality it was just because there were two of us being active with matching usernames and they'd find it cute and i'd always say it was your idea and yeah. that made me really happy too because people were recognizing us as like twins.

and we used to message each other all the time like crazy, wow we'd give each other good morning messages and you'd always be the last to say something since my wifi would be randomly turned off xD and you always had trouble sleeping so whenever pulling an all-nighter was brought up i'd call it 'pulling a tori' and you told me to not use that but i can't forget it~

sometime during life you decided to post a cover of yourself covering taeyang's wedding dress in english with ukelele as accompanying music on soundclound and it was utterly beautiful that i made an account there just to follow you. i had no idea how to work that website but you had such a beautiful voice that i couldn't just not. you and tammie have the strongest beautiful voices i have ever heard and i hate it whenever you say "no, you do" because i don't, i ing don't and it just sounds like you're lying and pitying me okay so yeah beautiful voices please become a kpop duo so i can become your numbah one stalker fan.

you asked if i had any other social accounts and back then i still had a facebook so i gave you that and like wow embarrassment to the max. you and tammie commented on my wall and one of the people who knew me were like "who is this amber" and i just cried never use amber in front of people i know please they don't call me that. after i deleted my facebook account we sent several emails to each other where i got to see your bap matoki mask and one of a kind sweatshirt and your pretty face in a green sweatshirt with your hair tied up in a ponytail yes prettyyyyyyyy.

speaking of pictures, you used to send me pictures of your posters and fanart. you had infinite posters and merch pinned to your board on the wall of your room and your fanart was so cute. your binder was decorated in dongiesoo chibi fanart and you drew your first attempt of anime and wow why must you be talented at everything whyyyyyy ::sobs::

then came the time period where you went to infinite's one great step concert ( lemme fast forward a bit idk ) and wow that was amazing. you also bought an infinite sweatshirt sometime before and also re-dyed the tips of your super-long hair red who knows when but yeah you went to the concert and met quinnie and samantha and prolly other people i dunno of and like- i wanted to cry because you 'met' the love of your life you were several meters away from him and he looked right at you and smiled and i just- i was just so happy for you ; 3 ;

oh and when i converted from angel-inspirit to inspirit-angel you accused me of betraying my ljoe oppa for losergyu oppa but ayyyyye that hurt y'know -3-

you also got into a time period where you fell in love with btob and ilhoon and ahn jaehyun and idk it was really cute and oh reply 1997 and now reply 1994 and shark and master's sun ahahaha

then there was that whole ordeal of you and your friends and that one guy whom you had a crush on and your best friend and wow i wished i could be there and see what you were talking about and help you through those situations somehow because being an internet friend can't help you much and i couldn't even give advice what a loser i am.

to be quite honest, some of the things are like a blur to me and i don't even know if i'll recall them correctly... if i could try, anyways. but, yeah i was stupid that one day and got banned and like wow what kinda person was i to act like that and then come back whining on your wall? -3- and about your warning on that blog post... i never saw it until i gained my account back, and that's because i was kicked off the computer right after i posted it. otherwise i would have deleted it right after or put it on private or something, idkkk

but the point of me bringing up that depressing day was because it became a big deal and it was so horrible like ; ~ ; and when i got my account back i was all depressed and didn't talk to anyone for about a month and when i came back, things happened to you that i didn't know about and didn't get to talk to you about and i felt bad. we didn't really pick up talking to each other then and that was when our... little rift was born.

i think i went on another weird hiatus and that kinda made us drift even farther apart, and all that i remember now was that you moved over to tumblr and began using your account there more often than aff. and we stopped messaging each other and i was pretty sad since it wasn't the same.

it stayed that way for a while, even though we tried texting and snapchatting, but it was really awkward xD and then, just recently, you left aff and apparently i got all y and immature about it, which i can understand from everyone's points of views, including mine.

i'm not even gonna try defending myself because it'll just sound like excuses. i learned this for the first time back when i first got banned and yes, that left a big imprint on me and i can't get it to go away. but yes, i do admit i was acting irrationally and childish and clingy when you told everyone you were leaving like wtf amber what is wrong with you get a grip.

like all your other good friends on aff, i didn't leave any comments of like "aw, we miss you but talk to me here on this site and here's my number!" or something like that and like i should've just done that instead of 'crawling into a shell and accusing others'. whatever made you think i was doing that was probably a bad idea but too late now, i guess... i always do the wrong things, don't i?

and do you know how it made me feel when you told me you tried to suffocate yourself? that's a horrible thing to do and why swould you do such a thing??! you say you didn't suffocate yourself any further because of me but that's exactly it; why did you even suffocate yourself in the first place? me. i technically was the one who 'abaandoned' you through my hiatus too. meeee. me. and don't try to get around this one because you had the heart to tell me that. i obviously can't bring myself to tell you the things i did to myself because it's not worth it.

i'm actually still kinda afraid to talk to you after throwing a fit and making you so frustrated. so yeah, i did wish you a happy birthday message on tumblr and textplus and snapchat but they all said only two words: happy birthday. it's as if i'm hesitant and i'm scared and i just... i dunno. i'm so scared that i'm not even gonna link you to this blog post... you won't know it exists and will never know because honestly, what use is gonna come from writing this?

but i feel like i need to do something more. although we're not as close, i don't want you to feel forgotten or anything, because you're not i mean i kinda expressed that through being all clingy and but being forgotten is a pretty nasty feeling, since you and tammie did forget my birthday this year, but that's besides the point. i dun wanna seem like a little kid who wants attention all the time anyways.

i probably forgot a lot of things i wanted to say, so i'll probably think of it and edit this blog post later... because hey, who's gonna read it anyways? not you, ahahahaha you don't need to read this embarrassing thing.

but happy birthday, tori, and from here on, i hope you find the right kind of people for you to support you and stay by your side. hopefully they won't be as stupid as me and you'll be more comfortable and happy with. wow i feel like i'm your ex-boyfriend or your parents waving goodbye as you go get married or something idk

i just want to say that you've been a huge impact on my life and i don't think i'll ever be able to forget you; 1) whenever i see myungsoo, you pop up. 2) every time i stay up awake at 3am in the morning i think of you and pulling a "tori". 3) whenever i see baekhyun, i think of how he was your bias. 4) if i ever eat out, you come to mind cuz' you eat out all the time. 5) bananas make me think of the time you cut yourself with one like how???? 6) infinite in general make me think of you omg? 7) i learned OTL from you so whenever i see that i just- 8) cats and the color teal because you love those so much. 9) my username just kinda reminds me all over again i mean really do i even deserve to keep this username? i should change it but i can't bring myself to think of doing that. 10) and most importantly, you made me realize how it was like to have a best friend among all the 'friends' i have here.

thank you so much for everything, and i'm sorry for everything.

i love you ♥

p.s. tammie and you talked about how you lived in california where disneyland was and she told me that someday we were all gonna live together in a fancy apartment and go to disneyland every day together for the rest of our lives when we got the money and i said i was gonna frame our dream into a quote on my wall or something but i never did. that dream makes me want to cry and smile and laugh at the same time because wow it would never happen, especially not now. but it's a nice dream to keep, dontcha think?