By the time you read this. There’s no turning back.

I always wonder why I still can’t stop thinking about you. Why can’t I do something without thinking about your reaction when I do this or that. I know, even if you don’t tell me that I’m being unreasonable with my actions and my reason right now. I know that what I’m doing is wrong. I know that I will regret some of these later but I’ll just think about the consequences later. I’ll take care of that later.

You don’t love me anymore. That’s certain. And that’s a painful truth. I may have been in relationships before but I never experience heartbreak. It was always me who end everything and so I’m okay and just pity my previous partners for what I did but I still go on cause I wasn’t affected. My 4 year crush, it was okay because I know that he will never see me, I accepted that reality and so it was not heartbreaking when I saw his dp with his girlfriend.

You said it’s hard, it’s not easy but I have to go on with my life by MYSELF and I have my friends and family beside me. You said, I’m being unreasonable because of the stupid things I’m doing right now. You asked me what is there about you that I still can’t let you go and accepted the fact that you’re not mine. It’s been weeks now and if you think I haven’t thought about it, well I did. I asked myself “why am I like this?” even if I know that I’m doing something wrong. But I can’t search the exact answer. I’m only certain that because truly LOVE you that’s why it’s so hard to let go, to accept everything. Call me foolish and everything you want. Call me an idiot, stupid or whatever.. Is it really wrong to feel this way? Yes it’s foolish, but is it really UNREASONABLE? You been through this you said. That’s maybe one thing why you find my actions stupid. But I think you also know how it hurts right? How hard it is.. cause if you don’t know maybe you haven’t love anyone.

I didn’t decide on this but I know it will be like this. I will continue loving you. I can’t control it. I can’t do anything about it. You may say that I’m wrong but I know and I’m certain. Even if you will have someone else, I will and there’s no need to promise that because I know I will continue having this feeling for you. And even if I find a partner of my own, I will still love you. I will still remember you. I won’t delete a single memory about you. I will keep it all, specially the feelings i have for you.

I know once I said this, you will never talk to me anymore. So much for my drama right? I’m not the pabo you knew anymore, not the pabo who is strong but a literal pabo. Stupid. But I hope you will not blame me. I hope you will at least understand but if you don’t.. *smiles* I will understand.

I’m fine.

It’s okay.

I’m good.

I understand.

Gwenchana..

I always tell say those phrases right? And I will keep them. Even if you hate me. I’ll be okay but I’ll be hurting. If you don’t talk to me, I will understand but I will be in agony.

You taught me how to be strong and I am. But you never taught me how to stop loving you or even hate you.

I guess you will hate me now. *smiles* but its fine. At least I told you what I want to tell you. Because I can’t fool myself anymore.. 

You’re my first love. My first girlfriend. My first serious relationship. And you’ll be loved by me, 14. 

Pabo. Saranghae.