The One Left Out - by TouchingTheSkies

Review by Yukotan

A. Title

The title intrigues me a lot, but I don't see it as the right one for your story; I think the title represents just the last part of the fanfic, when Kai left Hera and stopped talking to her. Your fic is more focused on what Hera did to Mirah, and even in the description you have written that Hera is the villian of the story. If you had focused on what happened after Kai left, then I would have thought that The One Left Out was the perfect title. You could have chosen one centred on the fact that Hera is the real villian of the story, maybe you could have written something like "Bad Apple" or "I Was The Villian". If you had focused on the fact that Kai was a mystery to Hera, then I would have thought it was a suitable title for your story. However, I still think that The One Left Out is a good choice for a fanfic.

B. Description & Foreword

I like the fact that you have immediately written that it's the villian who is going to tell her story, but I think there is too much about the plot. I already know what is going to happen, you shouldn't have written those last three paragraphs. You have to make readers curious, and even if I was, I knew what was going to happen. You could have stayed vague, even writing the same things. For example, along the lines of: "I wasn't the main character, I was the villian. Was I going to win my fight? I will tell you my story", or you could have added a part from your fanfic. 
There are a couple of mistakes in the description, and I would have changed some sentences.
 

C. The Plot, Characterization & Story Progress

The plot isn't the most original one, but I like reading from the villian's point of view. I find, however, the characterization a bit dull; you don't say much about Kai, Hera and Mirah, I don't even know why Hera and Kai were together and I don't know if Kai was a bad boy. Why did you write that Hera changed because of Kai? What happened? Why did Kai break up with Hera? You have left many things unsaid, you should and could have written much more. The story went on too quickly, and it's such a shame because you write nicely and there were barely mistakes. I guess it's because the story takes part to a contest, and you wanted to partecipate immediately, or maybe it was simply your choice, but I think the flow ruined my reading. I would have loved to know why Hera and Kai were a couple, and what Hera and Kai did to Mirah.

You were so fast in explaining things that I was surprised when Hera suddenly mentioned she was rich and with the highest status, and I was confused when Kai broke up with her. You could have added many things, and since you have mentioned just two supporter characters you could have written something more about them, or maybe some of Hera's memories. For example, you could have added a longer flashback when she talked about herself and Kai, or maybe you could have written more about Kai and Mirah.

D. Grammar, Phrasing & Word Choices

There were few mistakes here and there, mostly because you didn't pay attention to what you have written and  you also probably didn't read everything again. For example:

"I, however, was a different story. I would stay behind and wait like always for my beloved boyfriend."
I would have written:
"I, however, was a different story. I was going to stay behind and wait like always for my beloved boyfriend."

You have written "inseperable" instead of "inseparable"; "competetion" instead of "competition"; "immedietly" instead of "immediately"; "farmiliar" instead of "familiar"; "prat" instead of "brat".

I felt like you have used too many full stops; maybe you wanted to make Hera's talking everything more serious and sad, but you should use more commas next time.

In the foreword:

"I still didn't want to admit to the truth"
should be
"I still didn't want to admit the truth"
It is okay to write "admit to+someone" (and not something) when admit = confess.

"I should have made it easier for them then, but I refused."
should be
"I should had made it easier for them, at the time, but I had refused."
Try not to use similar words together, they might not sound perfect. I think the Past Perfect suits better the sentence.

In the first part/chapter:

"Within a minute though, the bell would ring and the hallways would clear [...]"
should be
"Within a minute though, the bell was going to ring and the hallways were going to clear [...]"

There is some words that you used too close to each other: you used "heck" in two senteces. You could have used "hell" instead.

You have chosen "aurora" to describe Mirah's innocent halo, but an aurora is just an atmospheric effect. Pay attention to the words you use!

"Watch where your going, nerd"
should be
"Watch where you're going, nerd"

Last notes

At first I didn't notice your mistakes because you have mostly got a letter or two wrong! You just have to read everything for a few times. Next time you should pay more attention to the other characters and the flow of the story, but I think in general you did a nice work and I enjoyed reading your story! You style is simple and easy to understand, you just need to work more on some little specific things and I'm sure you can write even better stories than this one! Work hard, and don't get sad over my rate! I hope I wasn't too harsh with you. ^^;

3 stars out of 5!
★★★☆☆