I like to eat.

But I need to stop.

I need to lose weight.

I tell myself this all the time.

So I try.

But then I get sad.

When I get sad, I eat.

But I am sad all the time.

So I eat all the time.

And then I remember, that I have to lose weight.

So then I try, but it only lasts for a few days.

And then I get angry and sad that I cannot make it past a few ing days.

So I eat again.

And the bad thoughts cloud my mind, this turns my mood sour.

I snap at my parents every single day.

They see me as an ungrateful, spoilt little brat.

So do I.

I know that I am not really like that.

We don't always yell.

I am not always snappy.

But it happens more often than it should.

This makes my mood even worse.

So I eat some more.

My mum tells me that I need to stop eating all the junk food I eat.

Because it's bad for my health.

I just nod along and give a "whatever", because I find it awkward to talk about these types of things with her.

With everyone.

I don't talk about my problems.

I don't know how.

I can't talk to her.

Nor dad.

It is too awkward.

I can't talk to my friends.

Because they have their own problems.

And they probably wouldn't listen.

Or think that my problems are pathetic.

Which they are.

But they still keep me up at night.

Till 3am in the morning, when I finally decide to go to sleep because I have school the next day.

Even though I want to continue listening to the most depressing music I can find.

And reading the most depressing fanfics.

And then a few tears escape, because I start to imagine a different life.

Where I am surrounded by the YG family, and they are my "friends".

Mainly BIGBANG.

But this doesn't last.

Because pretty soon, it all turns to .

They ignore me.

Make fun of me.

Tell me that because I don't even act like a girl, that I shouldn't even be one.

They tell me I'm pathetic.

Worthless.

They leave me alone.

And then more tears escape.

Because I realise it's true.

While imagining a different life that I so desperatley want for myself.

All the fame and the money.

The fame coming from dancing.

I realise that what my character feels inside.

Is what I feel inside everyday.

In reality.

And it hurts.

Because I cannot be like everybody else.

Something about me just repels people.

They just ignore me.

I find it hard to make friends.

My friends barely talk to me.

They don't bother.

So I don't contact them, and I wait.

Wait and see if they will come and talk to me.

But they never do.

So I just sit alone.

On the internet all day, or watching movies or TV shows.

My leg is getting better, so pretty soon I will be able to walk again.

I can take aimless trips into town, where everytime I ask to go my parents have to ask "who are you meeting?"

And then I get snappy and tell them "NO ONE!", because they ask this every single ing time I want to leave the house.

But who would want to meet with me anyway?

I'm just a nobody.

So I walk into town.

And buy food.

I tell myself I don't really need it, because I am trying to lose weight.

That it will make me fatter.

Fatter than I aleady am.

But then I remember that it tastes so good, and I deserve it at least once more, before I start my diet.

Right?

Wrong. 

Because it isn't the last time.

Because the next day, I go back and purchase the same thing once again.

But this time I get two.

And the next time, I get three. 

All to be finished within one night.

I can't even same them until the ing morning.

So I think to myself, if I don't want to give up food, why not just exercise instead?

And then there is a slight smile on my face.

Because I have all of these ideas on how I can exercise.

I can go for runs at early hours of the morning, or in the evening (but when there is still light, of course).

I can go to the town pools everyday after school and swim.

I can use the exercise bike everyday for an hour.

Every Tuesday, I can use the school gym (because Tuesdays are Girls Only days).

I can use a skipping rope for 30 minutes.

I can bike around the lake.

So then I go to sleep, a bit earlier than usual.

Maybe 1am, or 2.

Because I have to get up early.

Because I start my exercise plan.

Because I am getting up in the morning for a run.

Right?

Wrong.

I don't get up.

I would rather sleep than do something I don't even like at early hours in the morning.

Like my parents would let me, anyway.

I don't go for a run in the evening.

What if people I know see me?

My parents would never let me, anyway.

Besides, dinner will be ready soon.

And I have some videos to watch online.

I don't go swimming.

Because by the time my bus reaches my stop, it is already 5:10pm.

The pools close at 6.

I have to go inside and get changed out of my uniform, and find all my swimming gear.

By then it's 5:25pm.

Because I am such a slow walker, it takes me so long to even reach the pools.

It is 5:35pm.

And then I finally get there, so I whisper a quiet "yes" to myself, because I managed to make it before they close.

But the doors are locked.

The do not let anyone else in past 5:30.

Because they will be closing soon anyway, so why bother letting them in, when they basically just have to get out right away agiain, anyways?

Because I take a long time to get dressed.

So I know that it's true.

So fighting off tears, I make my way home.

Up the steep hill, all the way through town.

I look stupid with my swimming bag on my back.

So I tell myself, never again.

I don't use the exercise bike.

Because I would rather sit on the couch and use my laptop or watch TV, then sit on that thing for an hour.

Plus it makes my sore.

I don't go to the school gym.

Because people will see me.

Yes, they have a treadmill.

I have been begging my parents to get one of those.

But I can't run.

I don't want the whole gym to see that.

I don't know how to use the equipment in there.

So I don't bother trying.

Because they will laugh at me.

Call me stupid.

Whisper things to their friends, as they look at me struggling.

I wish I had friends.

So I don't bother.

I don't use my skipping rope, because I can't find it.

The one thing I can do...but I can't.

Because I can't.

ing.

Find.

It.

So I give up.

And then I get frustrated that I give up.

And then I get angry.

And then I get sad.

So then I eat.