[11/6/13] : Emotional Rant || Personal Blog
So hi (if anyone bothers to read this).
I don't have a single clue why, but I'm feeling really...pathetic these past few days.
Sunday, my family and a few of my uncles and cousins and such were holding my grandpa's...memorial service, for a lack of a better description. The truth is, he died a few years back, and...I really miss him. I miss how he used to take me out to the park near my grandma's old apartment. I miss him a lot, really. I don't have much of a memory of him, but I really do miss him.
Monday, I went to my friend's dad's funeral. I used to play with my friend a lot when I was younger because we went to the same babysitter, and we're the same age as well. I don't know why, but I feel really...helpless when it comes to these things. I'm not the best when it comes to comforting, and I'm not the best person to go to for advice or stuff like that. It makes me feel really bad when I can't help with anything.
Tuesday, today, I feel like I'm the biggest failure there is right now. Why?
When I can't do something right, or when I forget to do something my parents tell me to do, they tell me that I always forget, and I never remember anything correctly. Heck, even my own sister says so, and she's three years younger than I am. (She likes to argue with me a lot, and it seems that I always lose when my parents come into the equation.)
When I can't do something correctly, I think of myself as a failure. Maybe not the biggest in the world, but the biggest one I know. When I feel this way, I begin to think of all the mistakes I've done in my life that I remember. I start remembering all of the insults, sneers, and teases.
My life's always been like this. I get yelled at. I get insulted. I get told that I do nothing right. I get told that I'm stupid. You get the point, right?
Right now, at this very moment, I start thinking about...what my purpose is exactly in this world. I'm not the best, I'm not the smartest, I know I'm not the prettiest, and I'm not the one that everyone would go to for any help. I get chosen second every time when it comes to choosing friends, which makes me think, "Oh, I guess it's alright. That's what my name in Japanese means anyways." (My name is pronounced knee, which is 'two' in Japanese.)
I get yelled at my parents for listening to music too much. Because I don't talk back to my parents a lot, I can't tell them that music is basically part of my life; I can't just stop listening to it. I can't tell them that it's the only thing that keeps me sane when I feel like I want to break apart, when I feel like floating away from reality and arriving at a world of my own. With my dad, he asks me why I even bother listening to k-pop if I don't understand. I can't just tell him, "Oh, it means the world to me. It's the only thing I'm actually interesting to besides writing."
My parents don't know everything I like. My parents force me to do things that I absolutely do not want to do. My parents tell me that they want the best for me, but I begin to think, "Is it really for me? Or is it for you in the future when I succeed." They have never complimented me whenever I do my best, but they always complain whenever I do bad. Like the saying goes, "Compliments lasts for a while, but criticisms lasts for a lifetime." Well, I think it's something like that.
I don't know why I'm being so emotional these days, but I really needed to vent it out somewhere. There's no one I can tell it to without thinking that I'm being judged. Well, you guys might be judging me right now, but I won't know since I don't know you all personally. If I tell my friends, they might judge me, but I won't know because they obviously won't say it to my face. If I tell my parents, they go off lecturing about me. If I tell my sister...she'll just be like, "Whatever, I don't give a damn." Well, she won't be like in my face, but I can tell.
The truth is, I'm a really insecure person. I don't flaunt whatever I have. I might be obnoxious sometimes, I don't know if I am, and I feel bad every single time I think I am. I'm really shy, up to the point where I would avoid answering questions and joining group discussions in class because I'm afraid. I hang out with my friends sometimes, but I have a feeling that most of them get annoyed with me easily. If I were them, I think I'd be annoyed with myself as well.
If any of you are reading this up to this point, I would like to sincerely thank you for actually taking your time to read this. I'm not the most important person out there. I'm not someone somebody would actually acquaint themselves with. Thank you, a lot, for reading. I really hope I get this self-esteem issue or whatever this is out of the way. (This is giving me some serious depressing thoughts.)
---Nghi
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