Title [5/5]

I really like your title. It’s simple and really fits. It sounds so didn’t-try-so-hard-to-find-an-abstract-title. It also fits really well, I mean, your story is about a dancing boy and his life. Short and simple- I like it.

 

Foreword and Description [7/10]

I really like how you gave two different realities (I guess you can say)- the High school Hoya and the Infinite Hoya.

I love the Foreword and the Description, but you have grammar mistakes in a few places.

Original: The one with charming eyes and seductive smile.

Fixed: The one with the charming eyes and the seductive smile.

(Make sure you make your sentences parallel.)

 

Original: The one who dance passionately and burning the stage.

Fixed: The one who dances passionately and burns the stage.

(I really don’t like this sentence, but here. Make sure your verbs agree with the noun)

 

Original: The one who shy.

Fixed: The one who is shy.

 

Original: The one who treated the girl he love as a princess.

Fixed: The one who treated the girl he loved as a princess.

(Make sure you tenses agree)

 

Also, in your foreword, there are many mistakes; most are the same as the description.

 

Plot and Originality [12/25]

(I put these two together because I feel that these are somewhat connected together)

Your plot wasn’t creative at all. I really did predict the end and everything in between. Starting from the young Busan boy to the now famous Hoya, every single thing was predictable.  The Noona’s role was really cliché, I think. I was ninety-nine percent sure that Hoya was going to fall for another girl and the Noona tells her to go away because Hoya is her. From your description, I already knew the storyline. You’re foreword description was just interesting enough for me to read your story.

 

Characterization [9/10]

You portrayed your characters very well. The anger I got from the Noona was really big, I just wanted to slit (figuratively). I thought you could have done more with Noeul. I thought she had a pretty big part in the story, but I didn’t really feel the portrayal. I also really disliked your Hoya outlook. You made him really gullible.

 

Flow [8/10]

For me, the pace of the story was just too fast. I felt like everything went by in a flash. I was kind of confused during the café scene where the Noona tells Noeul that Hoya was hers.

 

Grammar and Spelling [8/20]

Your grammar was a huge issue. Since I don’t have time to go through all of them, I’m just going to go through the main ones (remember, there are also some in the Foreword and Description section).

 

Original: It was another night when Howon was walking home after another walking session with the coffee girl, it was becoming his habit to met her whenever he had free time.

Fixed: It was another night when Howon was walking home after another walking session with the coffee girl. It was becoming a habit to meet her whenever he had the time.

(Run-on sentence. Also, make sure the tenses agree. )

 

Original: He looked up and stood up slowly. His eyes were fixed on the girl’s face, didn’t believing of the scene he say.

Fixed: He slowly stood up. His eyes were fixed on the girl, not believing what he saw.

(This sentence was just really awkward to read)

 

Original: Howon was tired. Dead tired. Practice for their upcoming concerts, their comeback, and preparing for the drama where he casted as a gay.

Fixed: Howon was tired, dead tired. Having to practice for Infinite’s upcoming plans and his own schedule, he wasn’t able to rest in what seemed like years.

(These fragment sentences should be developed into actual sentences. Make them more sophisticated and professional-sounding like)

 

There are also a lot of spelling mistakes. I noticed that you always mixed up “met” and “meet” often too.

 

Overall Enjoyment: [3/5]

I did really like the story. It was nice reading about Hoya struggling about his decisions.

 

Bonus: [3/5]

You really incorporated his real pre-debut life into the story, and I really liked it.

 

Total: 47/90

This was a really good story, although cliché.

I feel like if you just developed it a little more,

the story would have been outstanding!

Don’t forget to credit the store!

-Scar-