Title [1/5]

Just from the title, I can already tell what the story is about. I most likely know the ending too. You need something less direct, more abstract so your readers will wonder about the story, making them want to read it.

 

Foreword and Description [3/10]

You really don't need to headline "Description" on the description- readers already know. I do like how you but a snip of the fanfic in your description. Your character description is supposed to be in the description part, your A/N and "thanks" part are the only things that are supposed to be in the foreword.

 

Plot [2/20]

Your story is really predictable. I can't say how many times I've seen the same exact story but with different characters. Your story is based off the over-used plotline.

 

Characterization [3/10]

Your characters are all portrayed the same. The popular are perfect and the unpopular have nice relationships with their family. These characters are the most used and they are too cliche.

 

Originality [1/5]

Sorry, but it's not original at all, but I'll give you a little credit for writing the story.

 

Flow [2/10]

There are too many grammar and spelling mistakes that makes it super hard to follow with. Sometimes, I don't even know what you were trying to say. Please look at the grammar and spelling part to see some revisions.

 

Grammar and Spelling [2/20]

As I said, you have too many grammar and spelling mistakes. It confuses the reader and leads them out of the story. Just in the first sentence, it took my about three re-reads to figure out what you were trying to say. You also have a giant lack of punctuation. I fixed your first part of the first chapter:

Original: As usual woke up in the morning, take a towel walk blankly towards bathroom. Wear school uniform.

"Jieun come down and eat your breakfast!" Mrs. Lee shout

"Okay! I will come in 1 minute" Jieun shout back while put her big glasses on

 

Eating waffle with strawberry jam in the morning was the best breakfast. "OMO! Omma got to go I'm late for school, bye omma~" Jieun kiss mom on right cheek and put her shoes on.

 

"Okay dear study hard and see you soon" Mrs Lee only can chuckle at her beautiful daughter

 

Fixed: As usual, I wake up in the morning, shower, and put on my school uniform.

"Jieun! Come down and eat your breakfast!" Mrs. Lee shouts.

"Okay! Give me a minute!" Jieun shouts back as she grabs her big glasses and puts them on.

 

As Jieun eats stawberry jam waffles, she looks at the time.

"Omo! Omma, I have to go. I'm going to be late! Bye!" Jieun kisses her omma on her right cheek and puts her shoes on.

 

Please go through the story a lot more closely. If you need to, go hire a beta-reader.

 

Overall Enjoyment [1/5]

These stories bore me. Sorry, but it's just not my type of genre and the story is too unoriginal for me.

 

Bonus Points [2/5]

Making Ljoe and Myungsoo as characters, I approve. :D

 

Total: 17/90

I hope you take my suggestions seriously. 

It will make your story more appealing.

Thanks for  requesting 

and don't forget to credit!

-Scar-