Well, that is it.  I have given everything I could.  My soul is now just a shriveled withered stalk of what it once was.  I tried.  God know how hard I tried to make it work, to get through each day, to smile past the tears.  I just can't do this anymore.  I can't try anymore.  It hurts.  The weight of the world on your shoulders kind of hurt, that burden that never leaves.  

When you sit in your car in the driveway because you are afraid to walk in your front door.  When you turn all the lights on in the house so that it doesn't feel so empty.  When you pile all the pillows on your bed to fill that space next to you that should be warm, but isn't.  It is this hollow feeling in your chest that pulls the oxygen out of your body now matter how deeply you breathe.  Knowing that the one you gave your heart to, knowing they don't care anymore.  Wondering what more you could have done for them, but deep down, you understand that you gave every last drop of blood and it still wasn't enough.  How did it go wrong like this?  Where was that change, that turn in the road that took us down the wrong path?  Why didn't I see this coming?

I must be really stupid.  Naive.  Blind.  I set myself up for this, I know it.  I guess that is just the hopeless romantic in me that wore the rosy glasses.  That me that still wants to believe in love and soulmates and the perfect kiss.  But now the glasses are off.  I do believe in love.  But I believe in love with all its thorns.  I know that the beautiful fairy tale ending is out there, but not for me.  No, I guess love isn't in my future. 

But I still write about it.  I still dream about it.  And then I wake up to reality, that heartbreak where I am mocked mercilessly for what I hope for.  I should have learned by now, but I can't stop wishing for that something that will never come because I have given up now.  

And I know what you all will say.  Take the time you need.  Don't write, just rest.  But I need to write.  It is the balm to my burning heart, at least for a while.  Let me get lost in the letters, the words, the emotions.  Let me play out my dreams on the page, because it is easier to get through this all when I can pretend that someone somewhere gets their happy ending.  And even if you don't like it, let me keep going this way.  I don't know anything else.

I am tired, oh so tired, but I can't stop.  I don't want to stop.  If I stop, then the last smoke threads disappear and I am left with nothing.  If you will let me keep going, that hope stays there.  That feeble hope that maybe I am worth it, that maybe one day someone will love me the way I should be loved.  You will smile and say it is okay.  I will smile and say thank you.  But you cannot see the tears on this side of the screen.  I hide behind the emoticons and the sincere thanks, but I am still crying and you cannot tell, can you?

I am rambling again, you know how I do that.  I'm sorry.  I will try to not let this affect the happy endings I want for my precious characters.  I will try to not let this affect the twisting turning plots that you ask for.  I will do my best.  I will keep going.  I will try.  I don't want to try anymore.  But I will try.