I just need one second to let it all out. Just one. I'm not even too sure about who exactly would take the time to read this, but typing it all out makes me feel so much better. 

So I'm 15. The age where I should start figuring out where I want to go, who's my type, my style, my interests and everything in between. But one thing these days has been bugging me beyond compare and I just need to let it all out. 

I have this friend. I met her about 4 years ago at my church but we started to become close until two years ago. She's funny, gorgeous, amazing, caring and everything that a girl could ask for as a best friend. But that's just the thing. 

I just came back from a christian retreat recently over the march break. It was so amazing spiritually and I feel so refreshed overall. But during the retreat, I couldn't help but notice how my best friend was favored among all of the teacher, leaders, all of the guys and everyone at the retreat. She would crack funny jokes that would make all the guys fall for her and she would be kind to the girls that would make them want to be her best friend. But everyone is well aware that I've been her very best friend for the past two years. 

Since I'm her best friend, I'm constantly being compared to her by others and even by myself sometimes. She's a size two and I'm more on the athletic side so I criticize myself for being too big whenever we take a picture or stand next to each other. Her eyes are so big and her double eyelids are to die for which makes me so self conscious of my smaller double eyelids. To put it in perspective, it's like Kendal and Kylie Jenner. Everyone loves them both, but in the end, everyone favors Kendal over Kylie. At a glance, everyone seems to choose her over me, and I especially can't take it when they compare me to her. 

She's such a beautiful person inside and out, but it hurts so much knowing that she's so much better than me. I've talked to her so many times about this, but being the kind person she is, she always assures me that I'm beautiful the way I am, and we promise not to compare ourselves to each other. But these days, I find that so hard to do. 

I have this pressure to become skinnier, prettier, even dress better just because I'm terrified of the hate I'll get standing next to my skinny mini, gorgeous, and feminine best friend. It's definitely not her fault, but that's what makes me so mad. I can't get mad at anyone but myself for thinking this way all the time. 

Of course, she has a couple of things that I may be better at than her such as dancing, math, fashion, sports and stuff like that, but once again, at a glance, she's everything that everyone wants.

Right now, minor things happen like this teacher from the retreat gave her extra tickets, a boy wanted to get her number, etc But I know things will grow into the guys I like will have interest in her and not me. I'm even scared to introduce her to my school friends because of the possibility of them liking her more than me. 

Anyways, I just needed to get that all out, and I'll get right back onto writing more of my fanfiction. 

I'm not a sad person guys! I just had a sad moment for the last month or so and needed to lay it all down. 

God bless everyone and love you guys <3