Sometimes, I feel really in' lame whenenver I'm reading another story on this site and I'm just hypnotized by how amazingly-written it is, and then I look at my work, and then I read more stories from that specific author, and then I re-read my stories, and then I start to judge myself hardcore.

My stories strike me as lacking depth. Like... I at writing anything that isn't simple fluff and/or comedy.

The fact is: I have clinical depression. I was diagnosed five years ago, and it took me approximately three years to really get things in control - and it took trying four different medications until I found what worked for me, and ongoing therapy and counseling. 

Hardcore angst is a trigger for me. 

Some of the best stories I've read are just so well-written, I drool over the author's talent. But sometimes it's angst, and before it gets to deep I need to stop or else I start to relapse.

I like stories that make me tear up, because that means that what's being said hits a chord in you - but if it gets to be too much, then I start going back in my head, and that is never a pleasant experience.

And after last year, certain kinds of drama have become triggers for me, too. Only recently have I really come to terms with what happened and have things at a level where my coping strategies are effective. But the thing is that when I'm reading fanfiction, I use that as an excuse to shut down a lot of my thought-processing, which means I don't realize that something is acting as a trigger against me until after my mood hits a point where I feel it's obvious.

And I like - no, I ing love writing. I've been writing for years. I've attended writing work shops, summer camps, taken multiple classes, and have done research on varying types of writing techniques even in my free time. I know how to recognize a good story, even when I honest-to-God believe that I can't in' write one. But that doesn't stop me from writing my fluffy/funny . 

As much as I judge myself in the long run, I need my fluffy . I need the stuff that makes me melt in my chair and giggle to myself, in turn drawing weird looks from anyone within earshot of me, and I need to write it. 

Whenever I feel myself drifting towards that hole - the one that once I fall in it's hard as for me to climb back out - that fluffy, funny makes me smile, giggle, and maybe even 'LOL', and that snaps me back to the spot where I need to be.

But, even then there's a -ton of comedy and fluff stories that make me feel like mine are , too.

It's kind of reached that point where I constantly judge my own writing, no matter how much people tell me they enjoy it. And by 'kind of reached', I mean, 'I've always been like that'. I just write because I enjoy it and post it for the rest of the world to see because... well, after a long- time of being on this site, I get enough compliments from people that make me acknowledge although I hate my own writing, there are people that don't.

And whether I like to admit it or not, a lot of the that I do in the world I do to please anyone who's nice to me. 

Yet another result of having self-esteem issues that are a result of deeply-embedded psychological problems that were only made worse by constant harassment and torture at the hands of my peers (and some teachers) for years, hence causing me to unintentionally latch onto any source of positive affirmation.