i'm not good in describing my feelings.

This happened several months ago. I fell in love, head over heels with one of my classmate in college. He's not that smart, eventhough we're both study in the best college in my country. We barely comunicate. i'm a kind of reckless and world-is-a-big-, i-don't -give-a- kind of girl, and he, he's the most settle and calm boy i've ever seen. I knew i fell hard for him. but i despite the feeling. i don't believe in love. I have no confidence to start a move because i simply don't have girlfriend's materials. i'm quite good in studying and became one of the best student in the class. that matter of fact, i hoped can drew his attention to me. Hell, yeah,for him, i don't deserve not even a glance.

i hooked up with one of his besties. let's say his name is X.  X's so kind and cheerful. I felt comfortable around him, and happy because the one that i love always lingers around him too. I showed them my cheerful side, my clumssiness, my passions, etc.  i became friends with X, but not with my babyboy. I really think that i'm a fugly creature...

in my class we were divided into several little groups. I'm in group with X and some other. Since, we're friends, i found it's really comfortable to work and cope with him. we always talk and exchange some hello's everytime we met outside the class. because we were quite often comunicate, My girl friend, Windy, saw our closenes. She said that she fell in love with X and asked for my help. Ofcourse i'm glad to help her. With WHOLE OF MY HEART, i really want them become a couple. i found it cute.

then, the disaster day came, when my group has to do a presentation in the class. When i presented my work, X, absentmindedly said that he loves me. INFRONT OF THE CLASS ! for heaven's sake.... i tried to put a pokerface, then calmly continued my presentation. He thought that i didn't hear his confession earlier, then he said it AGAIN, OUTLOUD, with REPETITION. I could hardly concentrate in my presentation. i wasn't embarassed by his action, i was scared that the one that i love, mistook it. After the HELL LIKE presentation, i went directly to X and asked him his reason. He said nothing, just smiled and left me stood like a fool.

After that, the test day came, then holidays came. after holydays, we went to different classes. I still love him, but i'm afraid that i hurt X and windy. I decided to not hanged around them.

A day came when X said that he loved a girl and chased after her. i thought that what he felt for me was just an overflowing love for a friend. not a love feeling like i feel for the one in my heart. we became close again but i didn't help him with his love life.

day by day passed, i still felt the love growing madly in my heart. i decided to take a step. I asked X for his friend (the one that i love) mobile phone number. He gave it to me without a word. then, my LUNATIC mind send him a message:

from: me

to: the one that i love

it's me, Bibiptuyul, majoring in ******** litterature, friend of X, and we went in the same class last semester. I just wanna make clear things and confess my feeling. I think i love you. okay, that's all. Sorry for disturbing, and good night. well, thank you.

then i waited for an answer that never come. i feel like, am i really that ugly? is it a sin to love him? am i that much not worthed even for a rejection?

maybe i'm a coward because i told it through a message. But, i don't wanna be a stock of joke for him and his friends.

I saw him a week after my confession. He looked at me like i'm a walking . I guess i know right at the moment that i really looked like a . a life walking .

SURPRISE.... SURPRISE.... now, his friends look at me like the way he looks at me. STRONG DISGUST.

moreover, his girlfriends, i swear i can hear them murmur something everytime i walk by.

I DONT BELIEVE IN LOVE. I DONT DESERVE LOVE! I HATE MY ING UGLY FACE!

but the most thing that i hate is, i still love him but i'm keeping my last pride. no way i'm gonna pleading for his love. NAH! THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN.

see, i'm a loser, screw me! and i even wrote it here. Definietly, i'm going insane.