I just wanted to write a blog expressing how I feel right now since I am feeling depressed.

I read fan fiction. I divulge into this seemingly harmless world where everything ends happy. I can't except the realities of the world so I slip into a blissful world of naive ignorance where nobody can hurt me. I'm just scared. I fear this world where people feel and cause pain. I see others' relationships and my heart swells. It makes me happy to see people who love each other, people who have strong, stable relationships and are each other's soul mates. But the reality around me is that nobody can stay together forever, nobody loves unconditionally, and there is no such thing as true love.

I'm too scared. I have never been in a relationship because I only want to be with someone I love not just like. However, I have never found such a person. I feel lonely sometimes, but I am fine. I have my fan fiction. It is a sad truth, but that is the way it is. I can just climb into this world where true love exists and life suddenly seems beautiful. I read stories about people overcoming all obstacles to be with the one they love. Boys' love just came after. It just meant that there was one more obstacle in their path to love. It would seem so powerful. People unable to deny their love despite all the things they are told and all the people against them.

I then put all my faith and hope into that couple. It was fine until the people were no longer just names or faded visions inside my head. They were real. Flesh and blood human beings. People with lives and the ability to make their own decisions, yet I continued to live in my dilutions. And even now, I still do. And part of me doesn't want any of the relationships I cling to to become a reality because if they did the world in my fantasy would collide with my reality, and the wall I have built would collapse. And in the real world people do not stay together forever.

But of course I am not able to accept the reality in front of me, so I ignore any evidence that my fantasy may be false. I can't accept anything that differs from my fantasy, and it makes me sad. I become depressed when this realization looms over me like now. My OTPs aren't real, and my life is a joke to be laughed at.

T_T I am depressed.