Today last week was a day I still wish wouldn't exist. I guess I officially hate fridays and will continue to do so for awhile, funny how it's one of the favourite week day to everybody around the world and now it has me traumatised.

Last night was truly awful and distressing.

I dreamt of my dad, it just felt so real and vivid that I remember starting to crying in the dream itself then realized I was crying in my sleep. I legit jumped off my bed and ran to my mother who was sleeping in another bed opposite to mine hugging her and cried so badly. I wasn't even sure what else I did because all I remember was all the sniffs and hiccups I felt, hell I wasn't even fully awake. I guess it went on for hours till about 4am when I remember looking at my phone for the time until I fell asleep again still crying.

Only when I heard my mother telling my brother and grandfather in the morning of what I did all these memories flew it's way back to me like a boomerang. I couldn't really comprehend when I realized that I actually cried loudly in the middle of the night for hours that it finally struck me probably I did had something stack up inside me.

It's just that the dream felt so real, I could really feel his touch. It was warm the way he leaned his forehead against mine and smiled that beautiful smile, the last time I touched them I remember how stone cold they were and after feeling the warmth in my dream had me whimpering and weeping. My eyes were so red and blotchy in the morning, god it was very unpleasant to look at myself in the mirror which stared back the disheveled appearence. Bawling out loud was never my thing and knowing I actually did something like that still has me shook inwardly. Is it a good thing to let them out? But why do I feel more hollow and hurt?

In the realms of reality

I was drowning

Hoping you would give me a hand

But then I realized

It was going to be my fight, all alone

To pull myself up

You are now only an embodiment of my memories

The strenght you bestowed will raise me up

On a pedestal you wished I would stand

With my head held high

And when I do

The only thing I would ever wish for is

To have you by my side

In any form

I also came to find that the constant tugging of the heart or the pain isn't what grief is all about, it can also be when there is a happy or funny moment where you realize that the one who you wish was there beside you isn't there anymore to share it. Even through each smile and laugh I can feel how much it hurts to think those times I spent with my dad and also the times when I couldn't share it with him.

How lonely must have he felt, with all the physical and mental pain he suffered that he had to go through alone because telling his wife and children only would have hurt him more than pain itself. What a selfish man, for always putting his family first, for always trying to protect them first.

It's sad how things are the most beautiful when they near the end, like the rainbows which appear when the rain ends, like the color of the leaves marking the start of autumn when summer end, your smile when it's fading...

I always dreamt of a lot of things I would do with you when I was older and you being old and wrinkly, unfortunely I was stripped of such a priviledge because god decided he needed you more than I did and I hate him for that. It feels unfair to know that you have become someone who I can only love from afar, that too only through memories.

Life's door were supposed to held open for both of us to walk hand in hand until you thought I was ready to let me walk through it alone, did you think I was ready when you left me? am I being a brat to think about all this?

I am not depressed, I still find myself talking and laughing endlessly when I feel like but when I am alone in the confines of darkness I can always sense something broken inside me permanently. The tears that follow engulf me in this trance I don't think I would ever be able to escape, how much ever I try to look around the murkiness it only makes me terrified as I wait in the hopes of the light, hopes of you, my saving grace to come find me and help me out of it.

But you left me stranded.

I don't think there will be enough earth years for me to get over something like this. Or will it?

The juxtaposition of missing you and wanting you back, but the actuality seems erstwhile that you now my past.

The only way now to have you in my present and future will be through reminiscing you.