This might be the first time I am actually writing a blog ever in my life.

I've always wanted to maintain a diary, a daily journal but my lazy doesn't really help in such stuff so I chose to just overlook it.

Things have been really hazy lately with my father's severe decline in health, my problems with my brother and mother. I just wished I could disappear from the face of earth, the thoughts of running away has occured way too many time too. My mom says those to me when she's angry but yeah she says a lot of hurtful stuff along with it which I used to think was kinda was common for families to say too each other, my brother does the same too.

But after deep realizing and observation for many years, maybe a mother saying those to her kids when she is angry or stressed out might seem normal but not what my brother says. I used to overlook it and not really give it much thought when he swears at me or hits me on the shoulder, I ignore it and move out of his way till he usually comes back to talk to me or we usually reconcile over food (yes food, he gets me something if he orders a delivery which is a way he tries to say he wants to start talking) but lately i have been extremely pissed off a such a behaviour. I mean, even if he is angry what right does he has to say those digusting swear words at me all in the name of losing temper? I have observed my cousins who have brother-sister relationships and envied them to death, yes they fight each other a lot too but not one soul I have heard swearing at his sister. It hurt a lot and still does but the best part of it is that my brother doesn't remember it. He thinks its a given when he gets angry and i am the only one who has to live with that memory of him swearing at me because I very well know if I confront him with those he would say he either forgot or it was just a spur of the moment.

Apart from being his sister to hear those, it crushes me as a woman too. I dont know if he realizes that, I bet he doesnt even have the clue I felt all these as he just assumes i am angry with him for some trivial reasons. Once when he sweared at me in front of my parents, it was my breaking point. The point from where i was disgusted by his presence as well as my parents. I didn't talk to them for a long time because what kind of parents would say nothing or just ignore when their oldest son swears at his younger sister. Shouldn't they yell at him or make him realize that he shouldn't be doing that? No, instead my parents just resumed back to eating their dinner while I was paralyzed with shock of how they handled the whole situation. My brother was just let off the hook while he went on about whining about how miserable his life was how much ever he tried nothing worked out for him, he has swore at his own parents blamed them for a lot of things and also drowns in self pity thinking how he had wasted his parent's money in the past. This ing cycle has been going on about for five years, the breaking point made me realize a lot of things and the first foremost was how much I actually loathed my own 29 year old brother.

My dad's health as itself has taken a toll on my family, it pains me to think there is nothing much I can do for him other than physically be there for him which is something I haven't been doing well lately too. Because ever since that incident I started to full fledged hate my parents and my brother. My studies were going downhill and everything just piled up and made me take a stupid decision one night. The moment I did it, everything exploded in me. The pain, the hurt all those feeling I basked in took a huge impact in my life.

I am thankful for angels called friends around me who helped me overcome it slowly without judging me, I can't say I have fully recovered but I am trying and there are certain points like now where I feel numb. I can't even let go of my tears after holding them in for so long, people say a good crying session can actually elevate your emotions. But no I am being denied that priviledge too, I can't even cry watching my sick father, I can't even cry if I watch some sad heartbreaking movies (the ones I used to bawl my eyes out every time I watched them), nothing just nothing works. This numb feeling and the constant tug in my heart are my only companions at night as I lay down watching the ceiling thinking how regretfully alive I am.

This turned out to more of a rant that an blog lol

To those who have read till here, THANK YOU <3

PS: I know I haven't been updating my stories, but I am slowly getting there. I was just stressed out for awhile but I promise to get back up and post out more content soon. Hope you guys can wait till that ;)