I don't think there's anything more hurtful than being betrayed; when the person you've shown your complete vulnerability to turns out to be the one who screws you over at the end. 

It's been a cycle, really. For two years, I was able to convinve myself that I was okay. I acted as strong as I can be, as okay as I'll ever be. I was able to put up a mask to cover all the pain and brokenness. Slowly, it got better; not the situation but the pretending. I was able to fool myself and I was so convinced that I was able to leave everything in the past. Two years, is a long time and by now, I expected myself to have been healed.

Maybe it's because for the first time in a very long time, I want to let people in that I'm slowly realizing the situation that I'm in. I'm far from okay, far from strong. I'm far from recovery, far from moving on. I find myself stuck with nowhere to go. I'm afraid that the more I let people in, the more I'm giving pieces of myself to other people, and that is hella scary.

For once, I want to get out of this loop hole. I want to feel free. But I feel so tied down. I feel tied down to him. I thought I got the closure that I needed. I thought that the words I told him were enough to set myself free. I trusted that someday, I would look back and say that it no longer affects me, that it no longer bothers me. The pain of giving my complete vulnerability to the wrong person traumatized me and for a while, I believed that it was all going to be okay. But it isn't. 

The words exchanged were never enough. His apologies were not enough. He needed to feel my pain. He need to know. I was so determined to talk to him, to say everything right up to his face. I wanted him to know the extent of the pain he caused me. I wanted him to know how bad it screwed me up. I wanted him to know that his apology was never enough to seal the wounds he's cut. Everytime I see him, it's as if he's rubbing salt into my wounds, always reminding me that I still haven't recovered. Do you know how painful that is? To look at that person laughing fully knowing that that could've been you? I want him to know that I still feel pain right in my heart. It never left. I want him to know what kind of hell he's put me through. But you know what's funny? I can't bring myself to tell him. I've had hundreds, if not, thousands of chances. But for some reason, I just can't do it. After that day, my feelings for him turned to hatred. No longer did I feel love or whatever it was that I was feeling.

My feelings at this moment are not the ones stopping me because I fully know very well that I'll never feel any type of affection towards him ever again. So, what's stopping me?