Hi, everyone.

Wow, it's been so long, huh? The last time I wrote something on here, it was a Happy New Year post. And in that post, I wrote that I hope to be able to write new stories this year. And... I thought long and hard about it, truly. I kept trying to force stories out just to give you guys some content to fulfill that promise but it's been kind of hard. And I wondered why. After much thought, I realized why.

So, to start off, I want to say a big thank you to everyone. Everyone who read my very first story on here (which was "Ours", a story loosely based on my own experience as an adopted child) and continued to read up to my last story (which was "Our Wives"). Everyone who randomly found one story and was led to the others. Everyone who recommended my stories to others on Twitter or Tumblr. 

To every single one of you who has shown me nothing but love and support, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. You all have no idea how wonderful you've been, how healing, and how you've saved me from myself.

When I first decided to write Kpop stories, it was after a very long time of not writing any fanfiction or any story at all.

Growing up, I wanted to be a writer. I wrote fanfiction of my favorite shows before I even knew what fanfiction was. I stopped writing because I decided to focus all my attention on University. I stopped writing because I thought it was no longer an achievable dream. And I stopped writing because my boyfriend at the time made fun of my stories. 

I was depressed and angry with myself. For my failed relationship. For my failed dream of being a writer. For just being a failure.

But, because of Kpop, because of Infinite, I decided to start writing again. I wanted to contribute to the fandom and since I'm a horrible dancer and not the best singer, I decided to write. And why I chose male ships to feature in my stories at the time, I didn't really know. I just wanted to. And I kept choosing them. 

And they made me so happy. I looked forward to writing and creating and hearing feedback. I made friends with some of you and some of you even continue to comment even after I haven't released anything (shoutout to RoseSmile!) and I felt so valid.

While in the middle of writing "Our Wives", I got into another fandom. A Disney show called "Andi Mack". And it's the first U.S. Disney show with a canon gay character as one of the mains. After the events of December 2017, I needed something to distract me and that show did. And I adored the show. Like with my experience here in Asianfanfics, I decided to create a new Tumblr dedicated to the show and the gay pairing featured and started writing stories for them. And for several months following, I continued to write stories, edit videos, and rant about it to my friends. 

And to say that the show changed my life is not an understatement. 

The show made me feel seen. It made me feel valid in who I was. And it told me that it was okay to be me. It told me there are others like me and we are all in it together. I found a support group and friends. 

The show has ended now and I thought that I could go back to writing for Kpop. 

But, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. And I tried to figure out why. It used to be so easy to write for Infinite, for Woohyun and Sunggyu, and even for Yunho and Jaejoong. 

So, I thought and thought and thought about it... almost everyday. Because I wanted to give you guys an explanation. I didn't want to continue giving you hope that I'll write something new. And I didn't want to leave without saying a proper goodbye. 

In an Author's Note in Chapter 9 of "Our Wives", I revealed that I was biual. I am attracted to both men and women. And I often feature biuality in my characterizations of the idols I chose to write for. 

And because of that, I realized why I chose male ships instead of heteroual ships as my main characters. And why I decided to feature a female ship in "Our Wives" and I took their story just as seriously as I did with WooGyu's. (And it's not because I believe there's really something going on there with them, I just really love how deep their friendships are.)

It's because I was projecting my own feelings and hopes into them. I wanted to tell the stories of LGBT+ people and what better way to do that than through these popular Kpop ships, even though as far as we know, none of these idols are part of the community? (And if any of them do come out, know that they already have my full love and support.)

Being LGBT+ is not as easy or as flowery as I make it seem in these stories. Even if more people are open and accepting of it now, the truth of the matter is that it's still difficult. 

I wish it was easier because then, I wouldn't have to go through internalized homophobia (which followed me all throughout college). I would be able to just tell my family and friends that I'm attracted to both genders and would like to date girls, too. I would be able to just be freely me and not have to justify and constantly defend that part of myself. I wouldn't hate myself for a good couple of years for feeling things that I thought were wrong... and I'm still struggling with it, to be honest.

But, after a year of self-reflection, after a year of getting to know myself even more, and being virtually surrounded by a group who have been so marginalized but have found each other through that show, I realized that I no longer need to self-project into these Kpop ships.

It's not that I don't want to write any more stories for them, it's just that I want to continue writing and telling LGBT+ stories through actual LGBT+ characters (fictional ones but no less valid) who deserve to have their stories told.

I found something that I wanted to give my full love and attention to because it's the first thing to make me feel seen, valid, and accepted in my uality. 

And, thus, I've come to the decision to end my journey with writing Kpop fanfiction. 

This was a really difficult decision for me to make. I've tried hard over the past year but nothing I've come up with felt right or legitimate. I felt like I was just forcing them out to for the sake of having a story and I didn't want that. It's unfair to you, guys, for me to give you a story that had no heart. And it's unfair for me to keep you waiting and waiting for something I'm no longer able to give.

So, thus, I wrote this super long post (so sorry about that) to explain and say goodbye.

I will keep this account up so all of you can still access my stories. They are all very precious to me. I've poured out my heart and soul into each one and I'm so happy that all of you have found joy in them. 

But, my story ends here. And I just want to say it was truly an honor writing for all of you. Thank you for the opportunity to create these stories and I hope that even just a little, you were able to catch a glimpse into my heart and learn something.

I'll be around, checking in. I do still read stories here when the mood strikes me so don't be shy to send a message now and then to say 'hi'. 

It's not a goodbye. It's just a see you later. 

I love you, guys!