Once again, this blog post isn't to evoke pity. It's just to... idk, be open? If anyone cares. I'm kinda nervous posting this hhhhhh

After two months I finally started writing again! Everything is still in my drafts and idk what I'll finish first laksdfjsa. Anyway, yes it's finally getting better! FINALLY. Finally I feel like I'm getting myself back. 

But... I've been through hell and back-- that's how it felt, at least. Ever felt like you're bound to train tracks and you can hear the train coming and coming and coming but it never really runs over you? But you feel it nearing, ready to strike at any second-- but it never does. And you'd wish it would, so the feeling would stop? Yeah, that's how I felt. Constant panic attacks, an inexplicable terror that started early in the morning all the way to the night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, drink, brush my teeth, shower, I couldn't stay in bed because the anxiety would eat me alive, but my whole body felt so heavy that getting out of bed became so hard. I called in sick for work for the whole week (and I never call in sick. ever).

So, I went to the doctor for help because I really... I really couldn't anymore. I couldn't. I stopped functioning as a normal human being and was afraid I'd hurt myself. Anything to stop feeling the way I was feeling. It was so so so scary, but luckily I've got the best family alive. My father had to,,, um,,, idk how to call this in English, but he had to live in some mental facility for depression because things were really bad for him. I was around 10 years old back then and don't remember much. Anyway, he knows exactly how I'm feeling. My mother is super supportive too, I can always go to her to talk (and cry). And I've got the best little sister, I tell you. And my two irl bffs... They'd do anything for me and they're the best. Basically everyone in my family knows my situation and they're the best at handling it. I couldn't be more grateful.

And yet...

About a month ago I started taking Venlafaxine, which is an antidepressant that's supposed to lift your mood and lessen anxiety. At first hell became worse, as finding the right doses is really a nightmare of a quest >-< I didn't sleep AT ALL and if I did, it was all darkness. It was as if I didn't dream, at all. The anxiety became worse too and I couldn't eat. I lost a lot of weight and my body decided to skip my period twice! We love functioning well, don't we?

But finally, last week, dark clouds seemed to lift off my mind and suddenly I could enjoy. I felt joy. And now I don't wake up with panic attacks anymore, I can eat again, sleep again, dream again and, yes, WRITE AGAIN!!!^^ I will also have appointments at psychologists to help me with the general anxiety disorder and depression, but I am really proud of myself for getting this far already. Because, looking back, I really do not know how I made it through that period... It was hard. It was terrifying. I had dark, dark thoughts.

I repeat: this blog post isn't for you to start pitying me. I just wanted to share. I also want to say that you don't need a reason to be depressed, because I don't. As I said, I've got the best ing family, best best friends, amazing internet friends, and work is great too! Even the weather is amazing! And yet my brain decided it's okay to lack in giving me the right amount of serotonin. Because, you know, life is unfair. For me, it's in my genes. My dad suffers from depression and I most probably inherited (is this the right word?) it from him. 

That's it for today, folks! Hopefully I can deliver a new fanfic soon <3 

If you want you can follow me on Tumblr or my (personal) Instragram (not that I post anything interesting)!

Love you all lots! If you've got something to say and made it this far, I'm willing to talk! If you've got questions or want advice or just a listening ear, I'm always here. You're never alone.

With that being said! STREAM CITY LIGHTS AND WHAT A LIFE

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