even though i can tolerate alcohol, or beer, i'm not keen on them. but i allow myself to get drunk once per year. on the day before the death anniversary of my grandpa.

who i am, what i do, how i live, everything. he has a huge influence to me.

i made mistakes, a lot of them, and i couldn't fix them anymore. all i can do to express my gratitude is to be a good person. 

he was the nicest man i have known in my entire life, and i told him i admire that, but i cannot be that good. and he said, if you forced yourself to be kind to others, or expected them to do something for you in return, it isn't niceness, and it is simply terrible. he said, be honest, be generous, be free, be the wildest and proudest girl, be anything you want, no one can despise you if you don't allow them to.

i would like to think i'm living my life that way.

but i miss him. i still do. i always will.

i have no idea what i am ranting about anymore. maybe i should sleep.

but i also want to post my halloween gift fic first. ehe.