I know i've been gone from this site, abandoning my stories, literally disappeared.

but in this site only, i can pour out my emotion, the fact that no one among my friends could accept, the fact that im having this romantic feeling towards my other friend. 

There are time when i feel like i'm building my own expectations of a man in me, being the gentlewoman im hoping a man would be, being as honest as i could to the people around me. I'm always a me who doesn't have heart to say no to my girl friends' desires, i do everything that makes them feel happy and lucky for having me as a friend. Especially towards that girl, let's name her Princess, bcs i used to treat her like one.

She is the most beautiful girl i've ever lied my eyes on. I worshipped her, claiming myself as her fan, telling her everyday that she's so beautiful so that she wouldn't feel insecure about herself. "I hate my lips." She said. "They are beautiful." I replied.

But what i've done and i have hinted means nothing when she found a man that probably treats her to the same equal amount to what i did. Bet she chose that man because he's a man, The creature that was made for a woman. 

Meanwhile me, i'm a girl. Though i seldom behave like one. But still, me having this fluttering feeling is already a sin. And she is not committing this sin. I believe she knows there's something odd about my behavior towards her. But she kept quiet, close to shutting me down. 

All i can do rn is turning my head of her, pretending like i dont care. Pretending like she was nothing, just like how she thinks of me. 

Moving on is hard, but I believe i'll make it eventually. And maybe, i'll get myself out of this sin and back to having feelings to men. 

P.s.: I don't want to label myself bcs i'm sure i'm a sinner because of her only.