This is the first time I'm writing this. Nobody probably read it, but I just want to let something out. I've been having depression for the past months, but I've only admit it to myself recently. I would spend my morning sleeping because I just can't find any will to get out of bed. I spend my whole afternoon walking around trying to find something to do because I'd feel useless if I stay still. I spend the whole day without eating anything because I don't feel like eating. I spend my time doing everything except doing the things that I'm suppose to do. I end up eating around 10pm to 12am, I just eat whatever I can lay my hand on. When I get on my bed, I would spend my time staring at the ceiling. No matter how hard I try, I just can't fall a sleep. At this point, there are many things going through my head. I spend about about one hour before bed, crying, laughing, blaming myself, worrying about tomorrow, thinking about the past, ... every night before I sleep. When I actually fall asleep, I dream too much to the point that I can't figure out which is the dream and which is the reality. I spend my weekend out drinking which use to be something that I hate to do. After drinking doesn't seem to keep my mind away enough, I started consuming laughing gas to get high. I find it comforting at least for a brief moment. I tried many things that my past self would never dream of trying like smoking, even though it was just a taste. My friends keep joking that I have problem. They even went on to conclude that I am emotionally unstable. They told me that the same thing make me laugh today but I will be angry the next. I just pass those out as they don't understand my personality. I don't really care much until these days. I found myself crying almost everynight over things that most people would consider as small matters. Yesterday, due to my cousins' suggestions, I went to see a doctor. Even though I wanted to go and got cured, but I was so scared to even look at his face. I was scared that he would judge me, even though he was a professional. I was scared that people would call me crazy if they knew I went to a therapist. I was scared that I couldn't open up to him. He asked me if I had hurt my self. I said I did emotionally, I haven't cut myself yet. He asked me if I have ever think about killing myself. I said that I have. What a scary question. After we talk for a while, I feel like I can trust him and tell him more and more of myself. At the end of the therapy session, he told me that the primary diagnosis is I have borderline personality disorder. I was relief that I'm not crazy yet. I quickly tell him that I don't want medicine. I believe that I can help myself. He smiled and said that he wasn't planning on given me any. He told me to start running fast for one hour from 6am to 7am and come back to him in two weeks. He told me to start learning about borderline personality disorder. I've been checking for detail regarding this disorder. Today I end up crying again because I feel like I hate myself. The phrase " I want to kill myself." doesn't sound so scary.

Hey, if anyone happens to read this, I'm not planning on dying. I am planning on getting cured or at least leaning to live with BPD and myself. I will live to see my doctor in two weeks. Please pray for me. If you happen to know anyone who has BPD and other types of disorder, please don't hate them or disgusted by them. Please give them a helping hand, because it is not easy for us. I know no one's life is easy but just please don't label me as lazy or as someone who use BPD as an excuse. Thank you.