This isn't really a blog post. 

This isn't one of my poems nor a blog post expressing my feelings and such.

Rather, this was a way for me to cope and heal from a lie by sharing this story of mine. 

I believe stories can reveal not only how one truly feels in his or her heart but also be a way of healing. 

I would like to inform all readers that this is my story and it was something I felt that I'd share for my own well being, not for the attention of any sort. In addition, I hope this story reminds others that they can heal too. You can get through anything. Just because you are healing does not mean you are weak. You are strong for getting back up on your feet and allowing the pain to heal from its wound. 

Freshman year of high school, a time where everyone can start fresh again and leave behind the past. Like most freshmen, I was naive. I believed I knew everything and was in that phase of looking for love. In fact, I was always looking for love. I always wanted to know what it was like to have a significant other. I was too young then to understand and even now I am learning to understand what real love is. 

It all started when I made an asianfanfics account. It was around the time I roleplayed when things began to change. I had a difficult time separating my feelings when it came to roleplay. Often, I'd fall for someone when it was just a roleplay relationship. Crazy, isn't it? I knew roleplay was for fun. It was nothing serious or real but my mind couldn't comprehend.  Towards November was when I had met an individual who changed my life. In some ways, it was good but a majority of the time, it was saddening. 

This person was a friend of "other people" who knew a couple of my friends on social media. Naive and gullible, I believed everything despite any suspicions I had. At first, the person came off as this bubbly and energetic boy who was always happy. Deep inside, however, he had a lot of weight on his shoulders from family. I didn't find interest in him at the beginning but as I learned more about him, I developed feelings. I believed he was different. Everything felt so natural with him. Never had I ever experienced such connection with another individual in all of my love experiences. What was I thinking though? I was a freshman in high school, still unsure of what the corrupted world had to reveal and taint. 

I would spend months talking to this person, getting to know his past, his past love experiences, morals, values, and much more. I shared a few personal things with him that only my closest friends knew. Keep in mind, we talked on asianfanfics. 

There were bits of drama. Sometimes it made me curious to see if any of the people that were friends with this guy were real. I pushed these thoughts to the side in the end despite what a few friends told me. 

There were times when he was not online. He was in high school at the time and only two years older than me. He had his own life. I would spend my time roleplaying when he wasn't on. I would wait for him to come online. He was everything to me. He meant so much and he was there when I was lost in horrible thoughts of self-harm. He was one of the reasons why I kept going to move forward when I was so broken. 

We never face-timed or called each other. This should have been my sign that something was wrong but I looked past that and still believed everything was true. 

I kept going.

He knew how I looked. He knew my past. He knew almost everything about me and I allowed him to be a part of my life. I believed that he was the one for me. 

We spent about three years just talking. We were not official but we were basically together. Our group of friends knew and supported me. 

During the first year of talking to him, he decided to leave me. At first, I was so heartbroken. He just simply...

left. 

I personally find it hilarious now but he left with a song. "Let's Not Fall in Love" by BigBang. Who leaves a person with a song?

So for a few months, we don't talk anymore. I tried moving on but I kept looking back. I kept looking back at our messages and thinking about everything we went through together. He used to tell me, "We'll get through it together." Well, I was alone now to heal by myself. I learned how to get back up with a couple of supporting friends. I still held in my pain however and continued to harm myself mentally and physically. I just hid it from everyone else because it felt like there was no one to reach out for anymore. 

Eventually, he would come back. What did I do? I gave in. I forgave him. Apparently, his mother did not want him to talk to me anymore. He wanted her to respect what he wants. This was during Christmas night. Again, I was blind to the reality. More months pass and he would stop getting on occasionally. We would continue to talk for another two years.

One day he said he would visit me. How did I find out? I was told that he was going to surprise me. I was so happy and I even built up the courage to tell my parents about him. My mom thought he was fake. I didn't believe her. I had a voice clip. I had video clips of his photo collages. I knew how he looked. I should have researched and been more suspicious then. After talking with a friend, my curiosity got the best of me and I researched at home. I prayed and hoped that he was real. I used to have dreams about meeting him but in every dream, it was a different person. It was as if there was no specific individual I would meet despite knowing how he looked. 

I found out that he was fake.

For the past three years, I wasted my time on someone who was fake. A catfish in slang terms. I had my suspicions and words from people but I pushed it away. I left all of those signs on a shelf. I was too deep in his trap. What was I doing this whole time? What did I miss out on? What was I supposed to do now? I was even more broken than before.

I remember spending the night alone crying. I was angry, stressed, sad, broken, and lost. His love was nothing but a lie. He lied this whole time. I remember texting a friend that night, pouring out my heart. I wasn't sure of what to do. I wanted to confront him but the last time I spoke with him was months ago. And so I waited for the right time. 

Almost a whole year passed and I didn't hear a single thing from him. Throughout that whole year, I learned to move on. I learned to accept that I didn't need an answer to my questions. I needed to forgive him and accept that this happened for a reason. I learned to not be so naive about love and to not be so trustworthy easily. Moving to another state had helped me move on since I was more alone. By myself, I grew to understand that I should have been more careful and protective of my heart. 

Suddenly, he came back. I didn't know what to do at first. There were so many things to say, so many questions to ask. I wanted to ease in my way of confronting him. Then I remembered. There's no point in confronting a person who isn't even real or true to oneself. Instead, I decided to test him. I acted normal. I talked like I always had with him and he asked if I was doing well, eating well, living well, and so forth. It made me sad but also laugh. He acted as if he cared but that was not true at all. All of the emotions and words I held inside from the past had risen and I confronted him after asking if I could call him. He didn't answer...

He saw my messages though. I was so angry that I decided to end everything by expressing how I felt. It didn't matter to me since I moved on but I wanted to get rid of the excess off my chest. I didn't want negative thoughts to linger. So I spoke with every single word I wanted to say. 

It felt good.

 It felt good to get rid of what I wanted to say. It felt good to finally release all of the bottled up emotions. I cried so much after. It wasn't due to the fact that it was sad, it was more of relief. I was finally free of this nightmare. No longer did it matter anymore. I had no desire for an answer anymore. I desired to be free of this messy and horrible love I believed to be true. 

Fast forwarding to the present, it doesn't affect me anymore. This past experience taught me so much about trust and protection of my heart. Still, to this day, I don't know who the person was exactly. It doesn't matter though. I forgive this person. What matters now is that I have healed from this experience. Occasionally, I look back at the last conversation we had and older messages. It made me smile when I saw how happy I was. I learned so much from my other love experiences but this one is one of those that have hit me the most. I am content with my life now. I have everything I need and I wouldn't change a thing. I only hope that this person will learn from their own mistake and learn to love themselves too. 

Sometimes you don't need an answer. What matters is that you take care of yourself. You matter. Your feelings matter. You don't deserve to be deceived, my dear. 

You are loved. 

This chapter has ended and I am more than happy to share my story in hopes to help spread love and positivity that you can move on too. Whatever kind of toxic love experience you are going through, you can let go. You can heal. 

Sincerely,

L