I don't know if anyone will read this.

I don't even know why I'm writing this but "you" deserve to know this at least.

I'm leaving.

No, not forever.

I'll be back (hopefully.)

But I can't stay for now.

Those who are close to me on this site know that I've been experiencing writers block for a while now. It honestly pains me to be on this site, to see all of my un-completed stories and not being able to do anything about it. I want to write. I want to. But I can't. I just can't. It frustrates me beyond words. Writing has always been the one thing I'm really good at. Writing equaled "me". It defined me. It is (was) me. But without it, who am I really?

Who am I?

I'm nothing.

Without it, I'm nothing.

Nothing.  

But that's just part of it. I'm currently doing my Masters and I have a lot of projects. A lot. Like 2 to 3 projects per week to work on. It's tiring honestly. And naturally "writing" is a huge part of these projects but it's not the same, you know. It actually put a stop to my "creative juices" as they say. It made me cranky, impatient and made me developp a tiny, very tiny, dislike towards writing and that was the last thing I needed or wanted to happen.

Now, I've been having a lot of dark thoughts lately.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a recovering bulimic. I used to eat minimal very mininal quantities of food and vomit them afterwards. I used to workout 3 hours a day. But my behavior worsened when I started having binging sprees. Anyway, all in all it wasn't such a great time in my life. 

What encouraged this behavior? I used to be bullied in school for being a bit on the heavy side. I used to be called names I don't want to disclose here, mocked and well avoided like the plague. My mother used to criticize the way I looked so yeah all that made me hate myself even more and pushed me to make "unwise" decisions.

I also tried to kill myself three times.

Again, not my most proud of moments.

I can't say I'm a hundred percent better now.

A part of me has grown numb. Somedays I walk in traffic not caring (and sometimes even wishing) I'd be run over. I know how stupid that is. But at those times, I don't really care. I don't really think. I just shut down. And then I realize how stupid I was and how valuable life is. But that's only after. 

Those who know me will now see how much of a hypocrite I really am. I give advice but I don't really follow them. I help others but neglect myself. But I try. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying. Some days I succeed. Other days I don't. But yeah.

I've been having the urge to purge for a while now but I haven't been acting on it.

I've been having an existancial crisis but most people have had or are going through one so it doesn't really matter. 

I've been having "bad" days lately instead of "good" ones.

And I'm afraid.

Afraid of the future.

Afraid of myself.

Anyway this is not for you to feel sorry for me. 

I'm okay.

I'll get through it like I always do.

I just need some time away to gather my thoughts.

I'll be fine.

I might even come back (fully) in a few weeks or even next week, who knows?

I am not deactivating my account because I want my stories to still be available for people to read.

I will check out my messages every once and a while and will reply to those who message me and will still listen, help and give them advice if they need it. That is something I won't ever stop doing so don't worry guys I won't be leaving you not entirely anyway.

Yeah...

I suppose that's it.

Oh,

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I hurt someone by accident. Or if I wasn't there for someone who needed me to be there for them.

I am sorry. 

I suppose I was too caught up in my "" to notice.

So sorry.

And I hope you understand.

And if you don't, that's okay. I understand.

This is not a goodbye but a "see you later" (hopefully a very soon see you later.)

So yeah, thank you for reading this silly blog post of mine and well, see you later I guess.