This blog is a self-reflection of the things I've experienced as a fan of kpop in my early youth, and the realizations I've made as time went by. 

WARNING: This a long narrative of my life so far, so it might bore you to death. But regardless, it's somehow insightful and generally helpful for every fan who left but had a change of heart! Enjoy 💓

First off, I'm catdrjo, a kpop fan since 2012. Now, you could say I'm already a veteran of all kpop things related but in truth, I've always thought of myself as a noob. Before I dig deeper, I'd like to recall my key moments in the fandom scene (or what I used to call my life.)

Ever since my friends showed me this remarkable genre back in sixth grade, I have always been fascinated with kpop and I continued to explore this realm until I fell in love with B1A4. So B1A4 was the first group I stanned and it really felt wonderful being in a sweet fandom with really chill mutuals. I've been active on facebook, I listened to their songs all the time, and I even discovered the art of fanfiction (AFF was the bomb!) Overall, my experience with kpop around 2012 was smooth flowing. Being a kid in elementary, it was like discovering a new universe where I felt comfortable and happy.

Fast forward to somewhere in 2013, I learned that my elder sister was in a kpop fandom as well! She liked Super Junior, Girls Generation & EXO, and one day she showed me the "Wolf" mv. I didn't like it at first because, as you know, I still have B1A4 as my first and only bias group at that time, so I shut her down. But sometime later, I started listening to a few of their songs and you could say I fell in love. By summer 2013 I was eventually having a multi-fandom crisis 😱😱 For a thirteen year old, it was really confusing whether which group you'd actually dedicate yourself to fulltime, so when I had my first twitter account I tried balancing my BANA and EXO stan life. In a turn of events, my love for B1A4 slowly toned down. One of the infamous reasons was because I had a fragile heart. When I saw Jinyoung, who was basically my baby /cough/ bias at the time, have a kissing scene in a drama, I was heartbroken. I mean let's be real, people. Most of us were still infants during this year and we were definitely possessive and naive like any other stereotyped housewife. Point is, I was unamused. Another reason why the butterflies stopped fluttering was because I was already subconsciously attached to EXO more than the group B1A4, but like Jung Jinyoung>EXO>the rest of B1A4 /cough/ Anyways, it was a mess but as the months passed by, however, I soon realized that I was becoming more into EXO. I began following their music and loving them as a group altogether. I then had Chanyeol as my new bias and I adored the the rest of the members equally. And so by now you could say I made a move towards my primary fandom AND YES, I do acknowledge that I was indeed immature at that particular age but from what I've also grown to realize is that it's not necessarily bad if you learn something relevant from your previous actions. Anyways again, the way I saw it, moving on to a new fandom was actually a growing process for me and it's one of the things I still live with until today.

Now let's talk EXO. By mid 2013, I was already a devoted fangirl of this group and I even changed my twitter username to @pcb0627 (if you'd like to know what my un meant please read until the last paragraph keke~) I bought EXO merchs from our local mall and I stayed up til dawn just to see and tweet pictures and updates regarding them. I was also at my peak of reading fanfictions! #FunFact AFF was a really big part of my 2014 because it was the year when I tried writing fanfics and reviews of other fics as well. Moving on, as EXO's name was continuously becoming bigger, we could never forget the ships that went along with it. BaekYeol, now more famously known as ChanBaek, was my otp and while I was definitely obsessed with EXO in general, you could say I was a little bit more coo-coo for CB. I loved the ship to heart that even my phone's photo gallery was 95% them being cuddly and dumb. I also read a lot of fanfictions, from fluff to romance to to downright deadly angst, as I became enthralled with fanarts too. Now this is the part where it gets a little tricky. Since I already just mentioned that I liked fanarts, I was also fond of saving them in my phone, and did I say they were by far nc-17 arts 🙈🙊 long story short, my mom found out that I had these pictures lounging in my phone but what really caught her attention was that they were malexmale drawings. I mean, I get that we're Christians and all, but what's the harm in them? Now, not that I'm straight up against my mom's beliefs but I thought the reaction I got from her was slightly absurb. I just thought that it was a little homophobic or prude-ish of her to address the situation by telling me off that it was a problem. But after thinking this through, I realized that I may have been unorthodox for my age considering the kind of society we lived in. Quick analysis: Even after 2010, many asian countries including ours were still close-minded to the topic of homouality as it was a taboo matter that had a fat chance of being given enough positive light. With this, I felt ashamed of myself but eventually got through it since my mom and I had resolved the "problem" by deleting the images from my phone completely. And I would be kidding myself if I said I wasn't sad that every fandom photo, gay or not, was deleted. But like I said, I got over it even though the healing process was definitely awkward. From there though, 2014 went by awfully normal, which was scary. And by scary, everything went downhill.

As far as I can remember, December 2014 was the time when I was already contemplating whether I should leave the fandom because, as my fourteen year old self would have phrased it: "I'm being corrupted" I guess I began feeling that way because I noticed I had only been focusing on EXO and have exclusively been reading malexmale fanfics, which I think my past self was kind of confused because why don't I like to read normal ?! I was having a mental dilemma regarding my prefrences and it was hard especially since I had no one to talk to, even though I had friends irl who knew what I was in the fandom (a crazy CB shipper.) Even at an early age, I knew there were boundaries and I just thought that they weren't cut to listen to what I had in mind. I guess I already knew they wouldn't even understand me so I kept everything to myself. Sigh. So around early 2015, I deactivated my twitter account because I deemed it was the strongest connection I had with my fandom life and that if I didn't do it, then I'd only prolong my internal dilemma.

Summer of 2015, I got back on twitter with a new account. It was a new start and I began joining the iKONIC fandom where, you guessed it, I fell in love with. I watched their reality shows and kept tabs on their daily activities like I always did with EXO. I even bought physical copies of their albums and had my own KonBat and all that. Everything was like a breathe of fresh air. But as days went by, I still had a hard time detaching myself from following EXO accounts in my new twitter so tried to keep myself at bay. Fortunately, I was finally able to divert my attention to iKON and eventually GOT7, which were both darling boy groups if I say so myself; but my urge to read gay exo fanfics ceased to die down. I'm even laughing at myself right now by how I put it that way, but it is 100% true.

Anyway, 2015 ended well and I thought I had a stable fandom life with iKON and GOT7 but not until the year ended was it another topsy turvy. As the old quote says, "old habits die hard" so when my mom found out that I had malexmale fanarts in my phone again (because I never learned) I was met with round 2 disappointment. Of course, I did the obligatory deleting. Nothing much happened afterwards because by mid-2016 I was already slowly loosing my touch for kpop and have had enough of getting punished for liking gay stuff. I went over myself and stayed away from whatever mothering fandom there was alive. Suprisingly, I was able to focus well on my personal life and studies.

Until one night, I came across a fanfic regarding Hannibal. I didn't know what it technically was and I never read the fanfic, but the name "Hannibal" really stood out to me (but because I like unique names; anywho it's hard to elaborate but yea) As I did a few background research I found out that this Hannibal series was sorta gay, but like very very subtle and all those , so I hopped in and indulged myself. And you've guessed correctly again! I actually got into this fandom and I created a new twitter account after I deleted the last one because that's how I deal with fangirling. I watched the entire 3 seasons in successions and fell in love but since the show last ran or somehow ended in 2015, I had nothing else to do.

Fast forward to early 2017, I joined another fandom because I am unstable and sadly, indecisive - the MARVEL fandom, which I am still part of. I have mutuals irl but like twitter-wise, I'm a loner. Since this franchise is unlike the kpop industry's, I also had a different version of fun. So MARVEL, if there's one thing it taught me, is that it is dope and has less fanwars unlike kpop fandoms these days. Anyway, there's nothing much to tell about this point in my life because as of now, I am still actively following updates regarding this fandom but like, since mid 2017 came around, I met a new friend. Now this person is actually one of my dearest new friends and she so happens to be a kpop fan, which I was slightly bothered by at first because she's currently an EXO-L and I'm confused as because why am I feeling bitter and guilty about EXO. Don't get me wrong but after years of moving forward with life, I got a hang of seeing a little bit of EXO here and there, but this time it's like blowing all over my face! So about this friend, she's actually really nice and had been, I guess, teasing me about how I used to be a big fangirl whenever anything kpop becomes a topic inside the room and mind you, I was fine with it. Somehow, though, there was this sudden spark of interest in me. I can't completely grasp that particular feeling but soon enough, I found myself looking for EXO accounts on twitter to follow. I don't know! I mean, it was never something I planned on doing after trying to run away from this feeling for 3 mothering years. But long story short, I had fallen for EXO's charm again, and I ALSO DO KNOW that I'm being a brat because what? I left and now I'm just suddenly back? I've actually reconsidered a lot of things ever since I felt the passion I had regrow. Of course, I wondered if it was just nostalgia acting up because my friend was a physical manifestation of what I was before and I really felt like I missed that part of me as well, but as I have discovered, and I hope I'm sure, I began liking EXO because of their music and style now. I guess you could say it was partly due to my friend who shared the updates with me about them but all in all, it was also my individual effort to reconnect with the boys.

As of now, I'm basically a newbie in this fandom but as time runs by I get these little memory flashbacks from the previous years I was an EXO stan. I am also rereading some of the fanfics I have adored back in 2013-2014 because those were the golden years of OT12 and the rise of their global fame. Another thing I'm busy about right now is keeping tabs of their activities and events. I'm just so happy that I'm able to hear about them once again everyday. I know I had been really hard on myself 3 years ago and that I had also made a sloppy excuse of trying to dismiss myself from my moral feud, but what I learned is that I should forgive the past and move on with the present. Understanding young adulthood, not every teenager makes the best decisions. Sometimes, there are things we're bound to regret doing and we can't do anything about it unless we act upon them in the present. This isn't me trying to revive my previous position in the fandom, but this is me trying to get a new place in this fandom where I'd like to stay in. I also learned that it's important to discuss your feelings with people you know you can trust. It may be a family member or a friend, but as long as that person seems trustworthy to you, spill your guts! I have my closest friends right now whom I can talk freely with just about anything and it's really helpful whenever we discuss our dilemmas and dreams altogether. Expressing yourself really takes a few loads off your back even if they're done little by little. It's just a matter of choosing the right words to say at the right time.

Overall, being in a fandom can really be chaotic because of the inevitable situations you're bound to go through, but as you grow up, you'll realize how every bull you've faced is actually a heads up for you in the future.

@pcb0627 means

PCB = Park Chan Baek (Chanyeol + Baekhyun)

06 = May 6, 1992 BBH's birthday

27 = November 27, 1992 PCY's birthday

PS.

If anybody is or had been in the same situation feel free to hit the comment section or dm me in twitter (@catdrjo) and type away! I'd love to read the stories of people whom I can relate with. There's a certain beauty to knowing you are not alone. Kekeke~