Honestly, I'm writing this blog because it is the only way I can organize all that's going through my head, because I want to read this later on and remind myself that what I am feeling is real.

Despite more than a month passing since that day, I am still having problems truly grasping everything that's happened. The release of the album hit me like a punch to the gut, the realisation of it all, the weight that came with the knowledge that my shaking hands, my enthusiasm, nervousness, excitement, all of it, will never happen again for this reason. That this is truly the last time I will be vibrating at a molecular level to see his name appear on SM's Youtube channel, that this is it. There will be no more after this, the cycle has ended and I am left in a world where the sun is dimmer than before, the world a little less kinder, crueler. 

But I braved it as well as I could: I watched both MVs, cried my eyes out and laughted at all the jokes that circulated through the fandom, went outside and looked at the moon and tried conveying how proud, how humbled and how sorrowful I feel. I didn't listen to the album, however. I couldn't find it within myself to, not while fully knowing this is the very last thing I have left of him, the last message, the last recordings, the last intakes of breath immortalized. Regardless, I could still feel the suffocating weight of a life.

The thing is, I know what has happened. I have accepted it as factual. It's the aftermath I am having issues with. It is fact that his SNS will never be updated, that there will always be an empty space on the stage and a faraway look on the others' faces, no more of his laughter and jokes and ponderings, the fact that there will come a time where while my love for him won't disappear, I will unwillingly use the past tense to speak of him. That is soul wrecking. I think of the albums SHINee will release, if they will release any, the lack of his voice on it and this time, this time I know he's not simply taking a small break or has other schedules. It's permanent.

I think of the members going on variety shows and maybe holding themselves back when they're tempted to mention him,  I think of looking at those variety shows and tryng to picture his laughter and unexpected outbursts, his lovable and hilarious, kind and compassionate self simply missing.

I don't fault Minho, or Taemin, or Jinki, or Kibum if they decide to continue as SHINee. Whatever they choose, I will unconditionally support them, but the fact that they are hurting a thousand times over is crushing.

And I tried. I tried so hard to speak into existence a different reality where 2017 didn't end the way it did, where Christmas wasn't a painful affair, where December was a joyous month and SHINee posted another one of their iconic New Year greeting videos. Nothing happened. I am still struggling to cope with the consequences, to find some type of closure, but the anger I feel inside is more fury than anything, it's blinding and burning through me.

It is upsetting that Jonghyun wasn't a 'success story', it is something I am having a horrible time accepting, because I was, so many people have been and yet, he wasn't. Why? Why when he was such a kind and compassionate person? When he was so talented and had one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen in my entire life? When he was trying his goddamn best? Valuing a life over another is never the right way to go about it, but I can't find myself not to, not when I know how many ty people have been left behind, in general and in that industry.

With each day that passes, I am having more difficulties finding solace. The more I think about the meaningfulness of the number 5, how it has reigned over their existence, how numerology dictates that a full cycle has come to an end, how everything was five, five, five, five and ended with Jonghyun, in five.

Somebody offered to relay some goodbye messages from us to Jonghyun by writing them on post notes and placing them at the memorial since they're visiting SK while it is still open. I messaged them, confident and sure that I have all the right words and that this will be an easy affair, yet days passed and I was nowhere near closer to even jotting down one single word. What could I even say that could encompass what I truly am feeling and how very sorry I am and how angry and hurt and lost? To truly express the deep ache within me?

I did eventually regain my composure enough to write something close to it down and as I put my pen down, I realised the reason I was full on bawling my eyes out while doing this, was because of the air of finality around it, that this truly is me admitting that the battle against the universe and my attempts at understanding the reasoning behind the spiritual laws that allowed this to happen is over and I still don't have a proper, satisfying answer. I don't have any, in fact.

I know that this too shall heal, even though it will certainly leave behind a scar that will be painful until I no longer am. I know that I will continue to function as always, that I am still well, that I am not relapsing, that I am just mourning and I should allow myself at least this, that I deserve to grieve and wail and be inconsolably sad, that he deserves at least this small token of gratitude from me.

Perhaps I will spend a little bit more time in this time vaccum I have created where December was just an exhausting month because of all the prepartions for Christmas, just a little bit more.

At the very least, the Universe herself seems to be mourning as much as I am and that, that is comforting, because even now, Jonghyun hasn't stopped spreading all the love he has in his tiny body and embodying life itself.