Dear Jonghyunah,

 I attended the memorial at my country yesterday, I cried to my heart's content with my fellow co shawols. Honestly I felt little lighter at that moment. But here I am again, back to the place where I still can't believe you're gone. That pain that burns inside me where no one can't put a stop. I miss you so badly. It's okay though. Pain is inevitable even this is my first time

This pain, it's unbearable. I'm not even a kpopper, I'm just a shawol, a person who lived with the five of you all the days of the week, every hour. Miles away yet close to. I felt like I grew up with you though I joined the fandom like in 2015. It's crazy but I feel like I raise 5 kids. Though it hurts like hell I never ever regret becoming your fan. 

I love you so dearly, you have been with me all the times,when I had no friends to talk,when I was being pressed down by my own parents,when I was pressed by things I can't talk with anyone. Listening to you, I felt like I'm listening to a therapist. Listening to your songs healed my heart, sometimes it helped me to let it out. let all the pain out. And I promise you, I will cherish them forever. Of course, how can I live otherwise, without those music which is my personal chamber of healing? My jonghyunnie, you are irreplaceable. days ago it hurt me to listen to your songs again, but today I was able to listen to white tshirt, crazy, mono drama and most importantly at the end of day. I'm so happy that they are still there to heal my heart.

jonghyunnie, you came to my life during one of those darkest phases that I don't even want to remind of. There is no other word, you granted me redemption and then you gave me a life. A better life. You gave me friends. I am forever grateful to you.

And I'm still regretting. Those days I kept bombarding Kibummie's and Jinki's IG but I couldn't do it for you. I will regret it forver Jonghyunah. But, do you see now? you're at a higher place now? do you see this person, who's far away from korea, who has never seen SHINee, but who lives because of SHINee? yes, my jonghyunnie, you are forever my life support. at the most hardest days and the most happiest days you always hug me. you will always do that,right? because you're immortal down here. your music is immortal. I'm sorry that many didn't get it, that many didn't understand you. But you saved many lives from depression. You were a caring advisor, and also your music is always touching our hearts. the deepest core. .  I am lucky to be one of those people who got close to you and your music.

Jonghyunah, you did more than well. still you do more than well. Jonghyunah, don't worry about Sodam unnie and emmonim. ok? Kibummie already said that he will take care of them like his own. and Jinki, Minho and Taemin will do the same. And I promise you, we will take care of your brothers. we will make sure that they feel loved and wanted. I'm sorry that we were too late for you.

 I love you a lot Jonghyunah, I'm sorry I dint tell it to you like I was supposed to. SHINee is always my family. I will forevr cherish you FIVE.

And I believe you will wait up there for us. that you are watching us. Please be careful up there. and find your happiness. heal your mind. Become free. and again I don't want to be a burden by saying wait for us. but I believe we are supposed to meet somehow. when we meet again, I swear , the first thing I would do is wrapping you in a warm hug. Take care, I love you forever my kid. Until the next time,take care.

See you Jonghyunnie <3