2015 ...

That year was the hardest for myself. My Depression hit me harder than ever. The darkness that I was trying to fight through the years was about to win. As I was getting closer to the cliff that I was driving to, my phone suddenly lights up and brought me back to reality. Skidded to a stop, backed up, and drove myself to the Hospital. Called my counsellor, told her that I'm going to the Hospital to get help. She then met up with me at the Hospital. The doctor and my counsellor was trying to convince me to get admitted at the rehab but I refused saying that I'll be humiliated by going there. After trying to convince me for a while, I relented. I was then taken to the rehab center, got admitted and assessed by the doctors. 

The first week was very difficult. The first Doctor that I had, I hated him so much. Instead of helping me out, he was making matters worse. Kept asking me, "Why? Why Why?" Questions and whenever he gives advice, his advices was tearing me apart even more. I couldn't handle our first meeting to the point that I just blanked out the entire meeting. After our meeting, I went straight to the Nurses' Station to request a change of Doctor. They were asking me why and I remembered that I was just crying and begging them to change my Doctor. The Nurses tried calming me down but I was a mess so they had to give me meds for me to calm down. After a while, a Lady Doctor came to my room. We talked and I can honestly say that I love her. She had a way with words that soothed me.

I stayed at the rehab centre for almost 2 months and had counselling up until August of this year. I moved to another province to continue my Education that's why I needed to stop my counselling with my Doctor. My Doctor strongly suggested that I continue my counselling and I will surely do that this January 2018. 


2NE1 was my very first KPoP favorite artist because of Sandara Park (love her so much!). The next one was SHINee. What attracted me at first was Minho because of his overflowing charisma but as time passed by, I slowly learnt more about the other members and they became one of my inspirations. I even have a SHINee Hoodie that I love to wear.

When I woke up yesterday and saw my news feed, I was shocked, heartbroken, confused. I was like, "No, it cannot be. Why????!!!" ... I cried hard for I know how it feels when Depression eats you up slowly until it swallows you whole.


The struggle is very real. Behind our smiles, laughter, jokes, charisma, swag, there is a person who is asking for help - a person who is slowly dying. Everytime I do something, I feel that I am being judged and that little voice in my head is saying that I am a useless person who doesn't deserve to live in this world. It's hard pretending to be strong in front of others. I joke a lot and people say that my charisma and my swag is very strong that it makes it hard for the others to befriend me because they think that I will be mean to them. Whenever I hear that, I laugh because deep inside of me, I'm the one who is afraid that they will be the ones who will be mean to me and will judge me right away.

Being back to University was a tough decision. Being surrounded by lots of people and having moved to another province where I don't have any acquaintances made it harder. The first month was a little bit of struggle for I was trying to adjust with my new surroundings. My Depression quieted down for a bit up until recently when I had a Group Project to do. I basically did everything for the Group Project - script, translations, directing, videographer, and editing. When the Project was done and was submitted to our Teacher, our grades got posted and we got the highest grade in our class.  I never heard a single "Thank You" from my groupmates. Thus it made me think that I am really worthless and I don't deserve to live. 

Nowadays, with no classes for the month of December, I immerse myself into working everyday. I try hard not to think about school for now for it only tears me apart even more whenever I think about that situation.


Everyone should be mindful of what they say and what they do to others. For a word from you might be the downfall of another. Mental Health is as important as Physical Health. Kim Jong Hyun's death should serve as an eye opener for everyone that Depression is real and it shouldn't be taken for granted. Others may just try to shower us more love and support but that is not what we just need. We need help, acceptance, and understanding. 


To Kim Jong Hyun, You fought hard, You lived well ..
Shine brighter over there ..
You will be greatly missed ..
See you there 오빠 ..
May your Soul Rest in Peace ..


💖💖💖💖💖