I don't know if anyone even reads these blog posts, but in light of recent events I wanted to take the time and get my thoughts down. As a writer, this helped me come to terms with what has happened recently, and I hope that reading it helps you guys too.

Kpop has always played such an integral part of my life, yet I never thought it would genuinely impact me this much. A few years ago I had started falling out of love with kpop. It was when I started paying more attention to fanwars and first wins than loving and supporting the actual artists. I took a break from it for a while, only re-joining the fandom when SHINee had come back with Everybody. From that moment on, I had started falling in love with SHINee all over again. I began to cherish every member, and it became my sole, constant form of joy.

I’ve always referred to Kim Jonghyun as the love of my life. Ever since I saw SHINee’s Lucifer back in 2012, I fell in love with his voice, and later I would fall for the rest of him as well. At first I thought I was exaggerating, and it was a joke to tag everything relating to him with #loml. But soon I came to realize that I really did love this man. I may not have been in love with him, as we were only exposed to the sides of him he wanted us to see, but I most definitely loved him. I love his voice, his smile, his eyes, the way he cares for s, the way he loves us, his love for music, his all around kindness. To me, this man was perfection. Even his imperfections were flawless in my eyes, as they made him more human. They made him seem more real and attainable to me.

Jonghyun had always been very open and expressive with his emotions, and I’ve always appreciated that. People always for being sensitive, but I was always so proud to call him my bias. I found it endearing and I thought he was so strong, being able to cry in front of millions of fans. Being able to show that vulnerable side of yourself that fans don’t usually get to see.

Jonghyun was also very open about his struggles. His songs (especially the ones on his Story Op. 2 album) were cries for help, and I feel like in a sense I recognized that. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety myself, I felt closer to Jonghyun when he began talking about delicate topics as such. And for that I feel sorry. Because as a non-celebrity struggling with a mental illness, I have access to sick days. I’m allowed to lock myself in my room for a whole day and not contact other people. But as idols, they don’t have that kind of freedom. And I regret not being able to support him and be there for him like he was for us. He was always smiling when we saw him, and that gave us strength, but as soon as cameras were off that smile disappeared and he was hurting. He was struggling every single day; he was in so much pain that he felt like this was the only way out.

Just two days ago my friend and I were gushing over him and how adorable he looked in the preview for his guest appearance on ‘Night Goblin.’ And the next morning I woke up to the news that he took his life.

I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. I’ve always felt so connected to Jonghyun and I’ve always been so happy to watch videos of him or listen to his music that it really just didn’t occur to me how broken I would become when he was gone.

I’ve always looked up to him not only as an idol, but as a role model. He showed me that it was completely possible to do what you love and be successful even while struggling with mental illnesses like ours. This morning the first thing I heard was that he had taken his own life. I cried all day, and I won’t pretend to be okay because I’m not.

But more than that, I feel more sad because it didn’t surprise me. I feel like I was more shocked because of how sudden everything was revealed and how abrupt the timing was - but he was very open about expressing his struggles with mental health (especially on BNR), yet the people around him couldn’t recognize the signs.

The only comfort so far has been the fact that he no longer has to suffer anymore. For that, I’m glad.

I’m not okay today, and I probably won’t be okay tomorrow, and the next day — but I know I’ll eventually be fine. Eventually we will be fine. Sure, we probably won’t be as happy as before; we’ll probably still carry some sadness with us, but there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as that sadness doesn’t consume us.

It won’t be easy to get through this, but although we hurt right now, we must remember to keep loving. To love SHINee, to love ourselves, and to never stop loving Jonghyun. Even though he’s no longer with us, I know he would want us to be happy. He wouldn’t have wanted us to stay sad forever. One of the things he’s always said is that he wants everyone to be happy, even those who hate him.

As far as SHINee goes, I know the other members are hurting. I know they may blame themselves and they may decide to end their journey here - but what matters is that we support them. In this tough time, we need to be strong. It’s okay to cry and to mourn, and to feel sad or angry - but once you’ve felt that, let it go.

Jonghyun wouldn’t want us to continue on like this, and the rest of SHINee needs our love and support now more than ever.

Kim Jonghyun is and always will be an inspiration to me, even if he is no longer with us. He deserved the world and got the stars instead. But now we have a guardian angel, one who I know will always watch over us in the best and worst of times.

Last of all, I would like to say thank you to the greatest artist and most beautiful human being I have come to encounter in all my life. Thank you, my King, my Angel, my savior, my everything, the eternal love of my life, Kim Jonghyun, for everything you’ve given me. Thank you for being my strength when things got tough. Thank you for lending your voice to my tired ears when I couldn’t cope with my surroundings. Thank you for constantly striving to show us only the best of you, and we’re sorry for making you feel like you had to hide the worst. And finally, thank you for being you, for shining so bright, and for sharing the past 10 years of your beautiful heart and soul with all of us.

We are and always will be proud to call ourselves Shawols and Blingers.

You’ve worked so hard, you’ve done so well, and I pray you are no longer hurting.

We will always love you, and we will never forget you.

Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun.