I need to write my heart all out, or I won't be able to say goodbye properly to him.

So, here goes nothing.

Since 080525, SHINee is a part of my life. Those who know me back then would know how much I love, appreciate and adore these 5 stars. Many of my (once) fellow shawols had moved on to a different fandom, but here I am, still a proud Shawol after 9 years and a half. SHINee gives me no reason to change fandom. SHINee gives me no reason not to stay.

Don't even bother to ask me "I thought your bias is Taemin all this while". Yes, but I'm a Shawol first, and a Taemint, Blinger, Locket and MVP second.

Back then in 2010, when I was an immature Shawol, I got sad and angry when the news of him and Shin Se Kyung was out. Little that I know that the feeling I had at that time was NOTHING near to sadness. Right now, at this moment, I know I would be better with any of them leaving the group, or the group disbanding, getting married or even leaving the entertainment industry. Anything, anything would be better, but not this. Not suicide, Bling, no.

I was holding on that 1% of hope last night. Many news site already announced his death since 6.20PM, but I kept on waiting for SM's confirmation, scrolling Twitter like desperately. Just in case there was a possibility of mistranslated articles. I had my hopes up. I prayed. And when finally SM released the statement, I broke into tears. I cried so hard, knowing that my dream of meeting them as 5 one day will never come.

I was wondering, what could've gone wrong for him? Extremely good looking, extremely talented as a singer and songwriter, you have to agree that he possesed one of the best voices in the industry. His star power was so bright and brilliant at the age of only 27, so why..? I googled SHINee last night, and it said SHINEE is a KPOP group composed of 4 members. Four. That was so quick, my heart sanked.

I woke up to his letter this morning. I read, and I cried again. Way too much that I had to park my car on the side of the road, because tears were pooling in my eyes abnormally. It was that moment when I realized that my favourite person was never happy with his life. How I wished he was happier.. how I wished.

Dear Jonghyun, now that you're there, you must've have know the amount of love we, SHAWOLS have for you, right? You did well, Bling. You did really well.

I stand by you and the other members since 2008, and I am never going to stop. I am perlescent blue-blooded since 080525, and my memories of you will live as long as I am. Nothing's changed. I will cry once in awhile, I will need time. But I want you to know that all this while, you did really well, and I am extremely proud of you.

From the bottom of my proud Shawol heart,
Thank you, Kim Jonghyun.

PYNKFAERY
11.41AM, 171219