It's crazy.. But this is one of the only places where I feel like I can express myself. I haven't been on here for a couple of years now, but this was a start for me to keep growing with KPOP and there was no better person to influence me more to keep listening and have an open mind about other types of music out there if it wasn't for Jonghyun. 7 years .. 7 years ago I first started listening to Big Bang and I always remembered telling myself that, "this is it. I will never ever listen to any other kpop group. Because I don't want to." .. then Shinee came along. If it wasn't for Shinee, I wouldn't have opened up to any other kpop group. Listen to their music and joined this fandom. People might think it's stupid for crying or being hurt over someone they didn't know.. But even if we didn't know celebrities - got to know them on a personal level, they still were there for us in our own way.. Like any other influencer out there. If you're having a hard time and you come home from school, work and watch your favorite youtuber to have that small piece of content make you smile - or in my case music. I might of not known Jonghyun or like anyone could, see pass his smile to see that he was hurting inside, he still pulled me up when I was at my lowest with his music, with any of the music I listen to now. I was always into writing stories, but could never finish a story or be motivated enough to post one up or let anyone read it. But Jonghyun was one of the first people I wrote about, posted about and got me here.

It breaks my heart knowing that I won't be able to thank him in person for the small things he has done for me: with his music, his smile and his childish ways. I always thought, hey one day i'll go to vancouver, or korea to see some of my favorite idols in the future. I may not have the money right now, but later down the line I will. Maybe one day out of pure conencedence I'll bump into him (fangirl dream haha..) and I can meet him face to face - but now i won't.

The saddest part in all of this is I know what it's like to go through depression and not knowing how to speak to anyone about it. Trust me, I've been there. I've always been the person to burry my feelings and not say anything until I can't take it anymore and I explode. I never thought that anyone would care enough to listen or I never ever wanted to burden people with my problems. Years and years I burried my feelings. I kept all my problems to myself and smiled. I smiled like nothing was wrong. I smiled like I had no issues or problems to deal with. I smiled so no one could be hurt, or put more hurt on me. Day by day I did that for years. I used to always cry at night when no one was awake so no one could see. Want to cut myself because I wanted to feel something else other than the pain that was inside - but i always told myself don't do it because you know you'll regret it, that there are worse things in life - people have it worse than you do. I don't know if Jonghyun had anyone to talk to, or if he felt alone, what he was going through. But whatever he felt he wasn't alone. Somewhere out there someone must of felt the same hardships as he was going through. It's sad though that now that he's gone it's when people are acknowledging the hurt he was going through. If he did talk to anyone about how he felt, I hope they did everything they possibly could to help. If he spoke to no one and kept silent - i wished that there was someone to ask you what was wrong. I guess now everyone who admiried you, loved you from the begginning will forever ask - what happened? No one will know the answer. No one will ever find the answer. People can only speculate on what went through your mind.

DEPRESSION IS A SILENT KILLER.

I hope in one day ghost form, angle form .. whatever you believed in that we could meet. I'm pretty sure everyone would want to give you a hug and to see that smile once again. Thank you Kim Jonghyun for being a part and will always be a part of my life. I hope you have no regrets, no more pain, and you'll remember everyone who loves you.

REST IN PEACE KIM JONGHYUN. You'll be missed and forever loved by many.