To Jonghyun,

You were amazing, you know that?

You had a beautiful voice, an outstanding talent, god-given visuals, humble personality, and I could go on and on.

It hurts me that I have to write all of this in past tense now??? Why is it such a reminder that you're not here with us anymore?

You were the reason I officially got into Shinee in 2015. You were the reason I stayed. The reason why I still love Shinee, and always will. You were my bias, I loved you and looked up to you always. 

I had always loved your music. Your gentle voice was just soothing and calming, a one of a kind. You portrayed yourself well in the songs you sang. Your music videos... All had a meaning to them. Your radio shows and talks, you gave us advice but why? Why didn't you follow them instead?

You told us not to be sad, but how could we not be? I would be an insensitive robot if I was still laughing and smiling while you took your life away.

I supported you from the day I stanned you, bought your albums, Shinee's albums, even your freaking book when I didn't even understand a single word in Korean. Now all of it are on my shelves, and all so empty.

You had depression. You had a terrible past. You didn't want to be associated with your past even. You were sad all along. Really freaking sad, but is it selfish of me to just wish you had endured it out a little longer instead of choosing the other option?? You should have known you always had us Shawols and Blingers to back you up, cheer you up, helped you even. But why did choose the other option instead??? Do we mean so little to you??? How did you think all of us would feel??? Happier??? Hell no. I'm so hurt right now I don't even know what to feel.

You just finished your solo concert, you were just about to record your new songs. SO WHY?

You were the best brother ever to Shinee, a reliable hyung to his dongsaengs. Idols all looked up to you, you even have a family in SM, and a wonderful sister.

My friend just messaged me minutes ago, to ensure that I didn't go listen to his songs. Or that I looked at his pictures. She knew that I would further be broken.

There are some friends on here who I know are hurting exactly as much as me. So please, I hope you don't do anything rash as well. Suicide is never the answer. There is always help if you think there isn't. There's always a way out of depression. But if you still think that no, there's no way and there's nobody, I'm always here for you. Trust me. I had depression too, although minor.

It's really hard for me to let you go, and I don't want to let you go, Jonghyun. Jjong. Jjongie. Bling Bling Jonghyun. My dinosaur puppy. I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have someone tell me it is all a joke. Please. 

I didn't even get to say to you how much you meant to me, that your songs gave me life. I didn't even saw you live once, let alone attended your concerts. I hate that I haven't done all of that before you left the world. So, please forgive me.

I hope you are finally in peace now, Jonghyun. That you're happy up there. We all love you, and we all dearly miss you. All of us Shawols and Blingers. We will never ever forget you and you will always be in our heart forever.

From your most loyal fan, a Jonghyun Stan.

Monday, 18/12/17