Between my 2-week (plus?) stretch of writer's block, mourning the death of Verde (my laptop), misunderstandings and arguements with close virtual friends...i find myself utterly ing wrecked...emotionally and mentally exhausted...

 

Last night I had to attend a social event (i left the house, ikr?)...

it wasn't by choice (no , right!) but out of loyalty and obligation...a house warming party for the daughter of a real life friend (of which i have 3, belive it or not, lol)...

 

There was food, music, alcohol (thank the universe) and like, people...a ton of human beings...like dudes...they were everywhere...like a flea infestation or lice outbreak in a preschool...it was quite horrifying for my slightly agoraphobic-...not to mention my unrelenting and socially repressed countenance...awkward, bizarre and no brain-2-mouth filiters...just let your imagination take a hike here...it was like Halloween-type frightening without the courtesy of the masks, ngl!

 

there will be some minor bruising, cuts and skinned knees from this encounter (and not just on my end)...I have no doubt that I left some type of indelible impression (per usual) on the husband's lovely (not so much) mother (read: dragoncunt)...

it wasn't the  group but the older ones (my so-called peers, if you will) i felt the need to run away from...it wasn't the younglings who judged me with their raised eyebrows, tight-lipped smiles, wide-eyes and mouth-dropping visually graphic expressions...

 

I've never really considered my AGE an issue...but perhaps i should...it doesn't fit the stereotypical bracket i find myself lumped into...not that i give one, single ...but it's a path my mind chose to explore, so i let it...

 

i fight labels...bull words draped over you (everyone) by a society who can't look you in the eye, accept or tolerate the uniquely diverse and beautiful differences that detail every last living and breathing soul and acknowledge them as the precious, valid and struggling mess in progress which they (we) are...

 

For those individuals that lean away from all the gorgeous gray in the world...choosing (or being forced) to embrace the more prodominantly (and certainly less flavorful) harsh gradients of black & white...my heart truly grieves for you...

 

my discovery (epiphany?) from last night's fiasco...is that perhaps it's not 'ME' but the simple truth that I surround myself with the B&W instead of the life-loving, jubilant and tolerant grays which I have come to prefer...

 

That I have, at some point in my life (whether consciously or not), aligned myself with the mainstream B&W bc of my own life choices, paths taken and visually acceptable preferrences...

 

i'm a straight female, who fits the society's constructs (married, child, divorced)...and although i don't personally subscribe to societal expectations and unwritten (read ed) rules of conduct...my actions themselves have sentenced me to a lifetime of B&W...or vanilla without the hint of sprinkles in sight...

 

JFC...someone please save ME!!!

 

im sad at these thoughts...my soul weeps...bc this is not who i am...how did i get here...is it possible to escape...where do i even go from here?

 

and so i ponder these truths and questions...and of course, i eat more chips and salsa...

bc in the end...my struggle against what is percieved as 'normal' is the foundation for everything i write...

gray is the air i breathe...my inner most thots and workings of my eternally ed and damned brain...my very existence...

so yeah...i guess chips for breakfast...probably not tippin the scales for me at this point in my life...

 

 

thx 4 reading this beautiful mess...

 

=^__^=   PJ