Waiting for the End

Perhaps this feeling will never go away, perhaps I will always feel this way. This sense of being lost, lonely, afraid and feeling fake. To the world, I seem happy, strong and have everything I could ever want but when it comes down to what I really feel on the inside, I feel fake and tired.

 

I try to give everything to all I do but I end up feeling so drained, tired and burnt out. I never feel good enough on anything and why should I? I have always been that girl who is never pretty, never really smart, never really anything. I feel like I always keep up a facade and it gets very tiring. How can I advise others to hang on when I myself find it hard? How can I act like nothing affects me when I myself am faking it to the world.

 

I admire those who can bravely come out and say what they feel because the moment I do that, I just get a lot of disbelief and judgement. Yeah, how can someone who seems so bubbly and happy feel like she want to die almost everyday right? But that is exactly how I feel. Seeing what happened with Chester Bennington scared me, what if I finally lose my grip one day? What if I can no longer silence those voices in my head? What if one day this sinking feeling really sinks me down?

 

It's been almost two years since I almost attempted suicide, yup I said it. I almost attempted suicide in November 2015, it was so bad that I can't even remember the date but only the month. I can't even remember what triggered me but all I know is that I felt like I couldn't hang on anymore. Everything seemed like it was collapsing for me, I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like perhaps ending everything will be my only solution. The thing that stopped me was ironically a Linkin Park song. It was Waiting for the End. I don't know why but somehow that song just triggered me to not go on with my attempt. I lived, cried many many many tears on the drive home. Yup, I actually almost went over a flyover in my attempt. This is my first time ever actually really writing about it and somehow writing about it makes me wonder why. Why is it that I still feel this way two years later? Don't worry, I'm not going to go and drive over some flyover or something. This is not my swan song letter.

 

I just wish that there's a way to stop these feelings because it is so draining and tiring...

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minami1826 #1
I am not gonna say I completely understand you but here's three things for you. TRIED and TESTED.

1. Write in a colored paper what makes you happy everyday. Even if it's just a mere ice cream, a book, a song or whatever, write it down on a colored paper along with the date. Fold it and put them all inside a glass jar. Display that jar in a place where you can see them always. When you think you had enough and feel so down, read those memories one by one. It'll help you cool down.

2. Read children's books. Read about fairy tales. Read about light children stories with colorful drawings and such. Listen to children's rhymes if you pleased. The world will automatically reset after.

3. Travel alone. It doesn't matter how far. Where to go. Just do it ALONE. It's much better if you find yourself lost in the middle of unknown area. Explore new places and talks to some locals or strangers. When you smell danger, you will finally realize how it is to live and how much you value your life.
superdupper #2
You are pretty and you always are have a confidence in yourself. Never thought of suicide because suicide is not the answer, some people want have long life but they can't suicide won't solve anything . you must stay strong be positive , avoid thinking negative thoughts maybe you can busy yourself so you won't have to have negative thoughts . and try to love yourself more someday you will have yhe confidence in yourself:")
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