I don't know why it took me so long to learn this but a lot of times, the people that you are or were most compatible with will never end up being your end person most of the time. Sometimes it is because you are too compatible that things will just end badly if you ever get together with them or perhaps you never got together with them but you realise it much later.

I knew KZ since I was 9 and he was 12 though we had drifted apart since we were of different schools after that but when I was finally in the same secondary school as him when I was 13 and he was 16 & met back with him, we just clicked or rather he tolerated my little schoolgirl crush. We could and still talk for hours, we can just keep going even if we have not spoken in awhile. Out of all of my crushes and past relationships, he was the one who rejected me the gentlest and trust me, I even had one guy who made sure I was watching him rip apart my valentine's letter and threw it into the trash can in front of me when I was 10.

I always thought that perhaps if KZ had feelings for me then maybe a relationship could work out but somehow it took me 14 years to realise that nope, a relationship could never have worked out because we are way too alike and way too compatible to a point that we would kill ourselves by compromising or fighting each other all the time. However I'm glad to keep him as a friend that I could turn to when I need him. In this day and age of social media, he is someone who don't believe in it hence the phone calls every once in awhile to keep in touch but somehow we have this odd connection and always talk around our birthday months since his birthday is end of April and mine is at the start of May with just 6 days apart of each other. He is someone I would trust with my life and I know he would go to his grave with my deepest secrets and I would do the same for him too.

Someone else who proved me wrong was J. J was one of my worst mistakes and the one that I regretted not keeping the friend zone for. He was my safe person, the person I could turn to if anything happens and I knew he would listen without judging me. I hope I was his safe person too because I would never and still can't judge him for anything despite how much he hurt me back then. He promised me that he would never make me cry and that he would do better than those other guys who had hurt me but guess what, six months down the line, I got dumped through a text message and about 2 or 3 years after that, I had to find out that he regretted our relationship and hated me through a public blog post. We were best friends first and foremost, this was a guy who actually typed out 99 sorry smses (back then no copy and paste function) and sent it to me one by one when he thought he had made me upset but I guess we grew up and he outgrew me. Oh did I mention, he was 2 years younger than me but I still placed my trust in him only to have him shattered it yet I still could never bring myself to actually hate him. I guess a part of me will still always have a good feeling for him somewhere.

M.G is one person that I really wish I could have had a happy ending with but we both know it will never be meant to be. We don't have enough romantic love for each other although platonic love is definitely there. He is the only platonic friend other than Ryo who calls me princess and actually treats me in that way without wanting anything in return. We both knew there were feelings there but as neither of us pursued it, we left it be and became more comfortable in this sense. I sincerely wish that another girl will get the best romantic treatment from him because he deserves that for all of his niceness.

The last person on this list is the one who will never be named but he will know who he is if he ever reads this. Only hints are 17 and 22, high school, Starbucks, car rides, late night talks at a park and 3 weeks. That person broke my heart real bad and it was the person who affected my judging for every single guy after him. Safe to say, only WH has reached close enough to his standard. We never really stayed away from each other cause we can't due to personal reasons but he chose to let things drift apart after the relationship was over. I know he will never admit it but eyes don't lie, I can see how every time we were around each other in between of my relationships, he still has the look of love in his eyes so I get it when he stays away because he is afraid of falling again and losing control like the time he did back then. I will never regret what happened because it needed to happen but I only wished it didn't end so fast because it felt like a fleeting dream which never happened but I knew it happened because of my heart aches whenever I recall the moments back then.

The words penned down here are the feelings I will never be able to actually say to these people but I would like to think that they might know it in one way or another hence the name of my post in Chinese which means can't open my mouth or can't speak.