Hi guys, so you probably noticed that I haven't been publishing any stories of late... yeah. I feel like writing an explanation (even though no one asked for one) because I'm hoping maybe ranting about it will make me feel better. I can't say my excuse is anything like I've been busy with school, because that's not true. School is chill. At least until next year, then maybe school will get hectic lol.

But anyway. I've had immense trouble writing this year, and I realised there's many reasons why. Last year, I made it a goal to publish something by the end of each month, but I felt that was too much pressure (because I'm a slow writer as I've mentioned too many times) so this year I didn't set myself that goal. This year I wanted to improve and try new things. I tried to write more, to write quicker, but that just made everything fall apart and I realised the way to get decent work is to write painstakingly slowly. Or maybe I'm just blaming my ty deteriorating writing on the fact that I tried to get it done quicker.

Sometimes I look back at the things I've written last year and genuinely wonder how I did that. At this point, I've just felt my writing has stagnated and everything I come up with is stale and recycled. If I manage to come up with something. Yes, I have been having serious problems with coming up with ideas for some reason? (I wish I could talk to younger me, I always came up with elaborate fantasy story ideas, but I know now my creativity is dead, probably slaughtered by... by... idk, life? And growing up? Oh man man, I don't wanna grow up...) I know I've always stayed in my comfort zone with setting and plot ideas, and now that I try to push my boundaries I get shut back in. I feel like I can't write any interesting AUs because I don't have enough imagination or life experience to be able to describe things and worlds and people. Also I don't watch movies and I barely even read books anymore, and those things really help with inspiration.

Isn't a tad bit ironic? That by pushing myself to improve, I've just fallen further?

I guess I've also felt a lot of stress this year to think about my future and for the most part I've just been outright rejecting the idea of having a job because I'm a flawed idealist who wants to live for myself and do the things I want to do. (I always hear the same thing: "If you don't get a job, how are you going to eat and pay rent?" I know. I know. This world is ed. Everyone is stuck in this cyclical societal construct... sigh.) I honestly can't think of a job that would suit me, because I have too many interests (writing, vis arts, dance, science, philosophy, Photoshopping, music, languages, pre much all creative arts, yadda yadda) and I don't want to pick one thing and not be able to do the others. For a while I entertained the idea of becoming a writer (LOL a death wish), like writing novels and stuff (not sitting in an office writing some boring company because I absolutely abhor the idea of that... but I realised I need to grow up and see that the work world doesn't work the way I want it to, and that working for a company isn't all that bad...) but yeap. I have no chance of that. I have zero productivity when it comes to writing (clearly), my brain is like a pond of stagnant brown water breeding mosquitos that are the creativity out of me, and I don't have enough perseverance/inspiration/motivation to complete stories longer than 10,000 words. I'm taking a writing elective this semester in school to inspire me and force me to write, and it's good, but it's just helping me see all my flaws. Which is good. But bad for my poor, battered ego. I find too many faults in my work and I need to take this criticism constructively and apply it to improve myself.

Writing is (one of) my passion(s). The stirring in my heart urging me to write will never leave me. I just hope I can repair this relationship with my writing and get back into the swing of things. I need motivation to complete things, because too many a time, an uncompleted work is left to gather dust and I don't feel like picking it back up again.

Have I ranted enough? I'm pretty sure there's more I have to say but I've just forgotten. In conclusion, I needa stop stressing over writing. The problem is that writing is so close to my heart that if I feel like I'm failing at it, I am a failure. I know I'm not. I'm just constantly frustrated at my inabilities while there are other people whose words flow from their fingertips onto page(/document) like streams of magic. I want magic fingers too T.T

Last of all, I want to apologise. Don't know how many people actually care enough to notice that I haven't been uploading any stories (tho I'm on the site everyday ^^), but I'm sorry that I am incompetent and I'm sorry I can't be good to you guys and chuck out a chapter every week or whatever. 

If you made it this far in reading, I thank you sincerely. I'm sorry you had to put up with a kid's ranting. LOL I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and cringe so hard at this.

Oh yeah, here's the fanart I promised in my title. Oops it's not that good. I wouldn't mind feedback on the art lol because my other thought was to become an artist/graphics designer (LMAO THAT'S HILARIOUS BECAUSE I'M NOWHERE NEAR GOOD ENOUGH).

Trans: I think I'm falling in love...

TL;DR?

I can't write and I'm sorry and here's Nyongtory in the form of fanart instead of fic for ya ;)

~Charlene