My life kind of went downhill for about three years ago. 
Well, the troubles didn't start three years ago, but three years ago I realised just how ed up things were. 

For those of you that don't know me, I have two younger siblings, a mother and a stepfather. Ever since I was little, my mother would be there for me. She would sing me goodnight songs before bed, cuddle and read for me and generally be a good mother. Those however, were the good times. She wasn't like that at all in the bad times, and the bad times happened way too often.

My mother has a big temper, you could say. 

If me, or any of my siblings were a bit noisy when she was  tired, she would yell and scream at us to shut up. It was normal that we weren't in the living room if she was home, because we made too much noise. We didn't quesion it, because it had always been like that. She didn't hit me, beacuse I was good at not getting into trouble. But my little brother at five and my sister at two, didn't know any better. And of course they didn't know any better! It's normal for a two year old to cry a bit when things don't go their way, or they don't get the things they want. Children make noise and can be a real handful sometimes, but again, that's normal! My mother, however, didn't think that was normal. She wanted some piece and ing quiet, and her yelling filled the house more than once every day. She hit both of my siblings, more than once. She only slapped my cheek one time i speaked back at her for yelling at my crying brother. 
I've become a very nervous and stressful person after these episodes. I try to be calm, but everytime there are something fighting or yelling i tense up and I want to hide. 

It was normal for us, and three years ago I realised how none of this was so not normal at all. My stepfather finally made the choice of taking us with him and leaving her. And it's kind of scary how I finally noticed that this was not normal. It wasn't normal to be generally afraid of your own mother. That isn't healthy, nor nomal. 

That me walking on my toes inside the house wasn't just because it was a bad habit, but because I wanted to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn't get into trouble. So she wouldn't yell at me and then scould me for crying. 

I'm better now, things are going fine with me and my siblings. I haven't really talked with her for about two years, not that I want to in the nearest future either. Getting some distance really changed my view on her. I have always thought that my mother was a good mother, but when she got tired she turned bad(?), at least i didn't want to think she was a horrible mother. I always thought it was my fault, but now I see that it really wasn't. It wasn't any of our faults. She isn't healthy, and probably will never see our point of view. 

I felt the need to write this because I came over a phrase I have always disliked.

"Blood is thicker than water".

This is a phrase that is used to justify choosing family bonds over the bonds that we have made by choice.
For example:

“I know that your friends have been planning this day for weeks but it’s your cousin’s birthday. Blood is thicker than water.”

What really changed my mind on this phrase, is what it actually means.

"

The actual saying is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. The meaning of this saying is actually the opposite of the way we use it. The saying actually means that bonds that you’ve made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to by the water of the womb. The saying reflects the fact that the bonds you choose for yourself can mean much more than the ones you don’t have much say in.    "

This made me so awfully happy. Like I have always felt guilty for not being with my mother, for refusing to talk to her the last two years. And feeling like it's my fault that she treated us the way she did. 

But when I read this I felt almost at peace, because I finally don't feel like I've done a horrible mistake by choosing to not have her in my life. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, a weight that has been really dragging me down and has made me feel miserable. 

I'm sorry about my depressive blog post, I just really needed to vent. 

So on another note. 

I try to update as regulary as I can, but sometimes when my mind is trapped on thoughts like these, it really isn't easy for me. I'm struggling with mild depression, and even though I want to publish as much as possible, sometimes the words just won't be written. 

I really appreciate all of the comments though, they make me smile. The thought of other strangers finding happiness in my work, is a gift, really. 

Ahhhhhhh I feel so sappy. Gosh. 

Lots of love, as always ~

Felix