hi yes it's still me; sentimental, sappy, and sad. just for the record, this isn't meant for anyone- it's meant for myself. and if anyone of you were thinking of starting : please don't.

remember how i said i was leaving the site w/ only periodical checkins from time to time because i was accepted into an applyfic? yeah-- it's got me thinking about what this site used to be and how every grows up and grows out of kpop. i'm sure you can read my status- i check into here a lot, so it's like i never really left sometimes. but i'm silent, i don't apply to applyfics anymore (except for that one time)- however, i still read stories and comment occasionally.

in one particular story, the author was gushing about astro and knk and i don't know who any of them are. come to think of it, i haven't even listened to for life by exo and i feel ty, not quite like the exo-l i was just months ago. is anyone going through the same thing? the process of slowly realizing that you're growing older, your tastes are becoming more and more different until you can't recognize yourself anymore. 

a part of me wants to go and listen to all of the korean pop songs in an attempt to stay- to be the person i was then, because i've always hated change and, well- this was a huge one. and i did- but i realized that i just didn't enjoy new songs anymore. i joined the pitfire of hell called kpop back when snsd released run devil run, and then exo debuted. now, snsd's lost my favourite and ultimate bias jessica, exo-- where do i even start? 2ne1 was an integral part of my childhood, damnit- 4minute was a bop who helped cultivate my love for korean pop, big bang is quickly branching out into their solo careers (i cry whenever i listen to bad boy because it was the song of 2012, for me). also, #WHEREISAFTERSCHOOL. first love was the song of 2013 for me and i also cry whenever i listen to it. 

i thought i'd be closely involved in this fandom forever- it's nice knowing that there's something that will always remain close to you no matter how old you get. i know i'm slowly leaving, downloading more american music and devoting more time to more fandoms like marvel or teen wolf. it hurts. i think that's the harsh truth of growing up- you lose yourself alongside the childlike innocence that you had. i still listen to kpop, i'm still in the kpop fandom, but not as much as i was before and that's what hurts the most.

wow this is some pretty deep for me. 

i joined aff when i was only nine, maybe even younger because i can't remember this one account that i had before the start of it all: rough-waters. i'm thirteen now, it's wierd. i apologize to everyone for my behaviour, my manners when i was naive and immature. i'm more mature now, i promise, and just a tinge less naive than previously. in my view, this is some sort of closure (?). i'm still pretty young, but the years get faster and faster and i know it's only seconds before i realize i'm not a child anymore, no longer a minor. so this, is a form of closure, for my youth- ages before the teen years, when the only thing on my mind was asianfanfics and roasting all of my haterz (kidding, i don't roast...anymore). 

i left just as quickly, in a rage of anger and fury. that wasn't the best for me, at all. it left me with a lot of repressed anger and sadness. but maybe it was just high time for me to leave- not completely, of course. no one can ever leave this pitfire quite easily. dear future me: you're probably going to reread a lot, but know one things: things change, people change too (champagne papi). it's okay to change, it's natural. it happens. just ride along with it, because there's nothing you can do to reverse the tide anyways- right? just remember that you'll always find a place in this world, no matter how small and diminished it may be.

29 january, 2017. 

now go do your art homework, please.