Ayyyyy it's been a while. 

I've been soooo insanely busy. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, I'm 21! Aaaaah I'm old. 

I've actually been quite distressed, I've had a LOT of anxiety flood me, and while I'm definitely not suicidal, I compare how I feel right now to how I felt in 2013 (aka when I was in the suicidal ward of the hospital because I was trying to kill myself so often). I don't want to die, but I feel just as low as I did then. 

Since this is a personal blog and not an AN in a fic, I can go into detail on the issues. 

I don't think I've talked much about my gender identity on here. I really only started exploring it this year, and since I've dropped of the face of the AFF earth, I guess you guys don't know a huge amount about it. To condense everything, I'm hoping to get a few surgeries that will make me feel happier with my body and allow me to be more accepting of myself. The first, and probably most obvious, is removal. Everyone keeps saying "why don't you just get a reduction?". ????? I am not a girl??? I don't want to be a girl I NEVER wanted to be a girl. Why would just a reduction make me happy? Idiots...

Anyway the first surgeon we talked to, a place that was solely concerned about nothing but money, said it'd probably be around ten grand. I CANNOT AFFORD THAT. The trans man at this trans centre I talked to said we could get better than that, and directed us to a place in Sydney that deals with a lot of trans people. Well we called them after getting a referral, and-

She's been on sick leave for months. So when she returns in January, she's going to have so many backed up appointments that they said we won't even get in to just DISCUSS it until June/July next year. So uh, yeah I'm understandably quite upset about this. Like I'm sorry but don't talk to me about discomfort until you have a G cup like me. 

Over November I've been distracting myself by participating in Nanowrimo, or, National November Writing Month. If you haven't heard of it, the goal is to write a 50 thousand word story in the 30 days of November. It stressed me out so much, but I'm pleased with how I did. I gave up towards the end, I've only reached 35 thousand words, but I'm still very happy. It was less about winning for me and really just seeing if I could stick to a schedule and routine. And, well I sort of can if I really try. One day I wrote over 5000 words. In one day!!!! I've never written that much in one day before. So it was nice to prove that I can work really hard if I put my mind to it. Shame that real life and Anxiety took over at the end there. 

Another thing I'm happy about is that I have finally begun a Chemical Garden AU. A few years ago I started writing a VIXX version, but I didn't get very far before I ventured from the VIXX fandom. I may eventually go back and write more of it, since I'd love to share the concept to more people. But that's not a priority right now. 

For VIXX things, I do have a couple of stories that I'm intending to write and post here. One is a cheesy and romantic coffee shop AU, and honestly I can't remember what the other was, sorry haha. They're not my top priorities right now but I am hoping to work on them a bit before the year ends. I'd totally love to do another weeb!Hongbin story, as I've finally started watching Ace of Diamond (which he says he likes) as well as having seen way more of Kuroko no Basket (which he also loves). I just love weeb gay shipper Hongbin so much. It's such a great concept lmao. I still can't believe he's a sports anime weeb. He truly is my bias. 

If you want to keep up with my current writing stuff, here's the link to my AO3. 

If you need to contact me in any way, the best way to do so is either through my tumblr or my twitter. 

Okie dokie, thanks for reading. Hope you're all doing well. 

~Nix