If you didn't read my previous blog, you wouldn't really know what I'm talking about.. but... anyway.

This is crazy how much I miss him. I know I don't love him, but my heart actually hurts. 

I'm hugging his sweater that he left in my car.. it smells of a hint of cologne with an overwhelming smell of cigarrettes. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 

Whenever I smell cigarrattes, I think of him. Whenever vodka dances around in my mouth, I think of his kisses. I'm getting clingy and I'm getting annoying... I'm not myself. I'm not the type of girl who would go out of her way to see a guy. I would always be the "alpha", the girl who's nonchalant about everything...

I know I'm feeling like this since he was my first.. my first kiss. my first "time". I know I would never actually fall in love with someone that makes me feel nervous and scared that he would leave me... But at the same time... I think I would. 

I want to cry. 

I want to skip all my classes and work shifts just so I can see him again. I'm going absolutely crazy.

I want to skip my friend's halloween party tonight so I could go to the one that he invited me to ... but I know I would never do that, since I'm not going to ditch my best friend for this guy... though again, I really want to.

I want him to move back to his parents house that he hates so much, just so he could live closer to me. I'm being selfish. 

I want him so ing bad, I don't care if I would just be a buddy... I'm going absolutely insane. I don't know what to do with myself..

No matter how many times people tell me I deserve better than this... that he's not worth it... I don't know. I haven't felt truly loved and wanted in all of my life, and he gave it to me starting from three years prior. I can't help but think... is he the only one that would be like this to me, until I become prettier? That sounds so ed up but I'm overweight... I don't find myself pretty, and this guy made me feel beautiful within just the first few minutes I talked to him.

His words... whenever I do something "cute" or whatever to him, he would always tell me "that's why I want to date a Korean girl.".... 

I can't help but think... is that his way of saying he wants to date me?

.... I should've told him I liked him back when he told me that he liked me.. I told him that it was hard for me to say things like that.. but now that's how I feel about him.

I don't know what to do...

someone help me. .. I'm literally about to go crazy.