why i have not been writing

hey !!!! 

 

um . 

 

.

 

this is awkward . 

 

Well Ilike to think i am a strong person . No actually I am like 149 cm tall that is very very short for my age . like I am a midget .. And I usually cut my fingers flipping pages , I at opening bottles , and I really really really at opening metal doors .. Basically i am weak and useless as F 

 

okay 

 

  If you didn’t know I am a student ( yo I am only seventeen and I got a few dollars ;) * i love u if u got that Vernon reference* yeah ehem . 

 

so um yeah i was moving to a new school … and it didn’t go as well as i planned . I am generally a awkward person in general so I balls at making friends and adapting to situations . so i am a freaking lonely person . Hence the username loner_ 

*pat myself in the back for the creative choice of username that best describes me* (whoa thats sad .. what can I do ? I am depressing  ) 

 

 

Okay 

 

 

and i also say okay a lot okay ? 

 

so um , it has been six weeks in to my new school and i have yet to expand my range of networking . Which stands for : Ihavenofriends . 

 

yup , i am the kid who eats lunch alone . ( so what ? i don’t have to share my food with anyone . I’ll get fat by myself and crush you es to death ) 

 

  i try to be funny ( SPOILER ALLLEEEERT ; i am not ) 

 

 

I am sorry for this boring conversation with me . 

 

actually I got scolded by a boy in the football team because i said sorry ? yeah , i still said sorry after he said to stop saying sorry all the time . He got so mad . i don’t even like football , i had to go because it was compulsory to do a sport  . He replaced me because he didn’t like me or like me for saying sorry , i really don’t know .  ( and i really at football , I SHOULD JUST STICK WITH YOGA  ) 

 

back to the point . 

 

wait .. i didn’t have a point . 

 

okay .

 

um . 

 

Our whole grade went on a school trip . 

 

 

   why did i sign up for that ? I knew i was too weak for white water rafting , canoeing and abseiling . But i really wanted to make friends and socialise , so even though i knew I couldn’t physically do it , i signed up . 

 

well I didn’t make friends 

 

and i fell flat on my face five times during abseiling , twisted my ankle because the water pressure was too high for the cartilage inside my ankle , i got serious large bruises up my thigh ( I fell down a waterfall … don’t ask ) 

 

I am not joking , I am a very small and weak and these things exhausts me . My mum told me not to go because she knows that my ankles and knees can’t take much pressure or weight but i really really wanted to go because i thought it was my chance to make friends 

 

 

   yeah , in the end i went to the camp with a bloody leg . I had to bandage my up to my thigh by myself ( I have no friends to help me remember ?) 

 

  yeah the next day I woke up and went for some other activities up a very large mountain. I thought i could make friends today because i failed miserably  I made it my MISSION to talk to everyone , share water bottles , ask them if they were doing fine when they look tired , stay behind with people . 

 

    when we were going down this certain path , there was a very steep step . everyone helped each other to walk that step but the person i  front of me just walked away without helping so i told her “ hey . um … aren’t you going to help me?” and she looked back and helped me walk that step , he dragged me by the arm to the side and told me “ you little , you didn’t have to scream at me for it . There were teachers behind you , they must have heard it and thought that I was a bad student … you did it on purpose didn’t you?”

 

  I was dumbfounded . I didn’t know that I was loud when I called her for help. Helping eahcother cross the steep step was team work . she was suppose to help me cross it and i was suppose to help the person behind me . I didn’t mean to make her look bad by shouting her for help. I had to shout because he was walking fast away from me or she would not have heard me .  ( we were in a ing forest ) Then i would be stuck there . I got my left leg bandaged , and even if i try to cross that steep step alone i would’ve ripped my muscles . 

 

   anyway , we walk back to camp and I thought maybe I can try at dinner . I was close to giving up and be like it I am done . I went to the camp dinner and sat down on a spot I thought was comfortable . There was a girl next to me on her phone so I thought she had no one to talk to , so i tried to say hi and talk to her and she said “ oh my god can you shut up .. i need to do something in my phone” 

 

   well thats the end of that. Well , i just thought she was on instagram because she had no one to talk to . I walked away because I didn’t want to annoy her . I sat next to this guy and I asked him some question and he ignored my question . I asked him again and he walked out as if he didn’t see or hear me .

 

 

I was done . 

 

I was just done . 

  

 

I ran away from the campfire to our cabins . i went to my cabin and covered myself with my blanket and I cried . 

 

It takes me a lot of to happen to cry . 

 

   I really really wanted to die then and there . Just end myself . I thought why i should be alive or why am I like this .. I really couldn’t understand why I was like that ? Why can’t I seem to make friends even when I try hard ? is there something wrong or ? did I do something wrong ? or 

 

I rarely talked . normally I barely talk at all  but I tried my best to talk with everyone , smile to everyone even though i was in so much physical pain from my leg , i just had tried everything . 

 

  I really did felt like it would’ve been better if I wasn’t even there . I hear everyone  cheering loudly and singing. having a good time . While I am crying myself to sleep .  I really felt out of place . Nobody liked me and nobody even cared . 

 

So um . I called my mum . 

 

I cried and cried and cried . I told her to pick me up because I didn’t want to be here. I was so tired , physically and mentally . My wounds haven’t healed and they are pretty bad . I need treatment for my knee. My head hurts and my heart hurts . I could breathe properly . I was having a panic attack on the phone with my mum . 

 

 My mum was confused to why i was crying . every time i needed to say a word I would have to take a huge chunk of breath because I was crying so badly . My mum asked over and over why I was crying because I am not the one who cries . I am tiny but I am the kind of person who gets cramps on my leg almost everyday , I still don’t cry about physcial pain .  I didn’t even cry when my arm broke . 

 

 

she came to pick me up the next day . 

 

I cried some more . like a lot .

 

I am such a mama’s girl . she was literary so kind and patient . I don’t think I wouldve survived without her . I probably would’ve just killed myself 

 

 

i just can’t … okay ? don’t tell me to just make friends because I can’t . I’ve tried so much . 

 

I don’t know whats wrong with me , I honestly don’t know . 

 

 

 

 

 

——————

 

 

they came from the camp , i don’t think they noticed that i was there or not. I saw Facebook photos of them enjoying their school trip. I really wished that I had friends to take photos with too. 

 

but i don’t 

 

———

 

 

 

i overheard two girls and one guy dissing some girl at school yesterday . they were talking about a girl who dropped out of this school to go to a community college . they kept laughing about how ratchet she was , how it wasn’t a smart choice and how she is going to end up poor . 

 

  i wanted scream at them “ why are you guys so mean? why do you care if she drops out for a community college ! it doesn’t hurt to be kind !! ” but i decided to stay quiet . 

 

then it hit me so bad , like ,… i came to this school on a scholarship . I can’t afford the school fees . I can’t imagine the things they say behind my back . 

 

   after that a guy came up to me , it was his birthday this Saturday  “ so i didn’t don’t I should invite to my b’day or not. we are going to this bar , I didn’t know you can afford it or not you know ? and i heard you don’t drink ”

 

I laughed of course and I told him what he wanted to hear “ sorry I don’t think I can afford it” 

 

but i can burn it . I can burn the bar with you in it . 

 

 

lol i am just kidding . I can’t burn anything . I can’t even open a water bottle without hurting myself . 

 

 

—————

 

 A lot had happened , so much more I want to let off of my chest but I can’t because this blog will be looooooooooooooong as hell . 

 

___________

 

 

okay , 

 

 

it okay ,

 

i don’t really care now . 

 

 

  I know 

 

    I don’t want to make friends anymore . I am better off alone I think . 

 

 

But I thought that next year , i am going to be super nice and kind to the scholarship students who get in to this school next year . So they don’t have to feel alone like i did . 

 

and also to all  the people here . I don’t know , I am not mother therasa but I want to be kind to everyone . Even though I get ignored , I am not going to make anyone feel alone .  Being lonely is such a scary feeling , i don’t want anyone one to feel it . So I made it my life’s mission to sit next to people who seem to be sitting alone . 

 

so thats the reason I didn’t feel like writing anything . I just felt depressed and lonely . I was really not motivated . I’ve been through a lot of lately . 

 

but I am okay by myself now . s

 

 

 

loner_

  

 

 

 

 

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Chubii #1
Hi there! I feel like for not noticing this the first time I read the 14th chapter :(. I'm subscribing to your blogs so I don't miss any of your rants again, lol. I'm sorry you had to go through all that . It sounds to me like you're just surrounded by awful people at your school/college. I've felt lonely so many times while growing up, even now though I'm already old enough to have learnt from the past. But it stills , so I get how you feel. However, through the years I've learnt that sometimes we're better off alone. There are way too many mean and malicious people out there that only hurts in the end, and by hurting us they make us forget how valuable we are, you know? It happened to me recently. Someone I thought was my friend hurt me and that made me feel awful, like I was worthless. But then I realized that that wasn't true. We're all special and awesome in our own way, and we have people that care about us and love us. By feeling worthless or like "there's something wrong with us" we not only cause pain to ourselves but also to those who love us.
I hope that you eventually get to meet nicer people in the future. There are decent people out there who can appreciate you as a person, you just need to find them. I'd love to have you as a friend in real life, but I guess this will have to suffice. Just know that you're an amazing person just the way you are. Love yourself because it is true what they say, we are our own best ing friends. I've felt this kind of pain before, but luckily I've managed to find awesome people who were willing to love me for who I am. I know you will eventually find people like that too! We can always use these experiences to help us grow stronger and learn to love ourselves a bit more. Anyway, I hope you have a nice day!! Thank you for being here and sharing your wonderful writing with us!
HanaFair #2
Dear, I can't imagine your pain. I really wish that I had the right words to say to comfort you. If it helps even for a bit, you can always let it out on your blog.

Know that you are a great person with a big heart. You show so much kindness to not only your readers, but also to those who don't even deserve it. I sincerely pray that you find happiness.

P/S: I'm available if you want to talk. :)
ionlystanbts #3
um hi im awkward umm i dont know what to say to you because umm i've never been in that situation before. All i can say is that people at your school are rude as f and making friends with those people isnt going to be worth it. if you are surrounded by horrible people dont try to fit in bc you deserve way better. one day a ray of sunshine is gonna shine your way :). i have a group of friends now, but a few years back i couldnt speak any english and a teacher kinda just told this girl to always hang around me (because she spoke my language). i sat with her friends for about a year, hardly saying anything and was looked down on. after i became fluent in english, they ditched me and i started making friends with people who'd constantly bully me and use me to run errands and stuff. but thats all the past now :). sunshine does come after rain. you deserve all the good things in life and ppl get what they deserve <3
Anne_Avila18 #4
I mean...I don't know what to say, I cried literally because I felt like that one year ago, I didn't have friends. I don't want to say the wrong words but I feel like I need to , I've been a really faithful reader of yours, I really admire you, you are amazing, and it really hurts me that you feel sad. I want to cry, like you already know I'm really sensitive *cries* .
Remember after the bad things the good things come! Idk how to say it is an adage in my country but idk how to translate it :'v.
But, hey! You are not alone you have me... *cough* I MEAN, you have your faithful readers! We are always there for you.
Like I said, last year I was alone (I'm just going to give you a short summary), the first two to three weeks were a little bit hell, I used to just draw instead of eating at lunch time. At school I was the "Oh, do you mean Ana? The quiet one? The one who always draws instead of interacting with someone" yup, it was pretty sad for me to be described by people like that. I used to be alone and cry in silence for more than 14 to 21 days in a row but one day it came, the day the new student arrived, that was my gold opportunity, I talked to him, he was as quiet as me and he became my best friend, that's how everything changed for me. If you feel really bad just don't hold those feelings. Talk about it with other people it really helps! If you want you talk to me, let's be friends! Okay... nope. Sometimes Internet friends (in my opinion) are better than actual friends, I'm pretty ed up for thinking that but my Internet friends get me more than my actual friends at school, I know that I'm wrong and blabla.
Hey! I'm really weak , too, I AT OPENING WATER BOTTLES, I'm not kidding. Btw... you are really small, sorry but I am really tall, I'm 164 cm tall, yup, I'm literally a building ;-;.
Remember, you are not alone *hugs you*.
P.s: "Yo! I am seventeen and I got a few dollars" I laughed so hard, my brother laughed with me but he didn't get it ;-; .
jiminijimega #5
loyal reader here. I know that i can't give good advice or as you said, telling you to make friends cus this affects nothing. I'm sure you must've known that people have different weaknesses and it's okay for you to cry don't hold it. I do want to be your friend, we can communicate via social media there are bunch of 'em or through aff and I can offer you my eyes to read your rant, problems or just random things on daily basis and actually helping you overcome them. I know this is far from having actual friend but why not ? :)
kayandrawa #6
I really want to be ur friend right now if I were one school with u bc I really know how it feels to be lonely...I've been lonely for 3 years and its really hurts...at nights I cried a lot always thinking what I had done wrong that I dont deserve a single friend and all I could do that time was be patient. I've been patient for 3 years and now I finally found my circle of friends. It really is beautiful to finally be rewarded after the long wait and all I'm saying is that if u dont know what else to do, just be patient :) Always do good things and do good to those who treat u good or bad and wait for the time to come for u to finally find the people who truly sees u as who u are :') I know waiting is painful but please beat with it :)
feels_train #7
Fgdorydal im in school rn so im bein sneaky using school's tablet i want to comfort u rn but im typing fast ilk get to u later!!! I hope u feel better!!!!!
Eggnugget #8
if this ever happens ever again u can talk to me ill be there for u
lili2405 #9
I'm french so my english is not good at all but don't feel bad for people like that you are smart intelligent just be who you want to be don't please people , i 'm really shy i don't have friend but i'm 25 i'm old ahhh oh xD but i like being like that , be at home , don't go out much , i go out only with my mom why i tell you this god xD but be yourself , love yourself , the most important thing is that you know who you are , be true to yourself , be happy and do whatever you want yeah :D
fleurve #10
I have wet eyes now... I am such a sensitive person. I am awkward too, but I have friends just because I know them from like, 10 years maybe?? Anyway, the feeling of being alone is horrible, but being lonely is not a bad thing tho. This is just what we are, and if people can't support that, then they can always off.
I hope you feel wayyy better now, and telling us your feeling is very cool, we can talk to you and help you or just encouraging you if you want :D
chantallvin #11
I'm sorry for the rant but I just wanted to share my boring story so that you won't feel alone in what you're going through right now. The others might have felt what you're feeling right now but not entirely because you're the only one who knows your pain well. You're a wonderful person. You being kind to others, may it be the scholarship students or anybody, without wanting anything in return just proves that. You deserve all the happiness in this world. If it's not now then hopefully sooner or later. People will soon realize on what they're missing out. You won't be the one doing the approaching anymore, they will. Just continue on being kind and wonderful. And please remember that if things will get bad again, a lot of people including me, would be willing to be there for you and to help you in ways that we can. All you have to do is tell or ask for help. Keep on being strong. You'll get through this, I swear.
chantallvin #12
I've been rewriting this over and over again for the past hour, because I just can't find the right words to say to you. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to experience these horrible things when in fact people like you, deserve the best. I also experienced loneliness and isolation when I switched schools way back in high school. I thought that making and having friends would ease the sadness and loneliness that I've felt, but it didn't. It just made me feel lonelier and sadder than before. It was really hard at first, because I thought that there might be something wrong with me because others don't like me. It felt like the whole society rejected me. I ended up blaming myself for being unlikable and unsociable. I even tried to change myself so that the others will like me, but it was all in vain. My depression and crippling anxiety worsen, to the point that I decided to give up on myself. But I forced myself to live for the people who might genuinely cry at my funeral. In your case, your mom and the people who loves you. They won't only cry but they'd be devastated if you really did kill yourself. They'd probably ask themselves on where they went wrong and would end up blaming themselves for their entire life for what happened. That'd be the last thing you'd want to happen. Back to the story hahaha, I decided to isolate myself from the others. It was awkward at first, but later on I learned to enjoy life on my own and did things that I love without trying to impress someone or to worry if anyone might judge me. I fell in love with myself. I know it sounds vain but I think that's what everybody needs to do. I realized that we should fall in love and accept ourselves first, rather than look for others to fill in our self love deficit and subdue our self hate. I was happy and content with my own company. I felt free.
Vwifey #13
I just scrolled through the blogs and found this ;-;
I'm so sorry but don't worry because that's all the past right?
I'm not very good at this but I want you to know that people are here for you and always have hopes up high. You'll definitely get the most awesome friends :))))
blings #14
Ohh I'm so sorry to hear
I just hope things will get alright for you.
Maybe you have an Insta acc?
I can chat with you. :)
Nessqueely #15
MOMMY-- *crais*
mommy, I really do wish that I could be by your side irl (though I'd be an awkward potato and probably just annoy you with a lot of random singing and talking about my obsessions to you whether or not you want to hear it *cough*). I'm not very good with words, but please know that I will be here for you no matter what. If you need someone to rant to, talk to, or just, I don't know- send dank memes to, I'll be here.
There will be someone who will become your friend and they'll see just how wonderful, kind, and who knows, maybe you'll be something like a small light of hope to them. Mommy, I want you to know that I love you. Not in a romantic sense, but more in a platonic way. I may not know you a whole lot, but I still love you and don't you ever forget that! <3
This is long, but I hope that this makes you feel less lonely (IreallyhopebecauseassaidbeforeImreallybadwithwords).
Also your mom is outstanding. Spend as much time with her as you can because as it goes, "time is short". Let her know just how much you appreciate and love her.
I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!
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