Like honestly... it's 1:49 am in Malaysia, I'm still streaming ribbon, just finish drafting e-mails to be sent tomorrow morning, I'm in a bun, tank and shorts, sitting in front of this laptop, feels like I wanna write but I can't spent too much time writing because I still need to wake up for work tomorrow morning (well... technically later... like in few hours) x'D So this fit the NOW purpose right?? To anyone who want to start reading, I just wanna post my emotions and experience, if you're not interested you can stop now.

You sure you wanna go on? 

Well... Just wanna say it be great if you read it but if you think its getting boring or feels like I am attention seeking in the middle, feel free to leave the blog post x'D 

Here we go! 

So during a short break while working, I saw this unnie of mine, doing throwback about her one shots (So random! XD) at twitter so I was like "hey! Since I haven't read it and it's one shot, why not?" and I did. End up feeling emotional and re-energized(?) by her words. The title was The Red Thread by one and only, msnosun (P/S: Promoting good fanfic here XD Unnie! I'll be your personal advertiser! XDD)

I wouldn't say things got rough because it's already rough, I'm just learning to cope it better. Especially after a major breakdown back in May. So I was reading the fanfic, feeling so nostalgic because I see Hyunseung name because damn I miss my 4D prince x'D But I never thought what written on that fanfic actually do hits me. 

These are the quote that hits me (I need to list this so I can copy it easier when I write it on a sticky note xD) and my stories about how does it hits me.

"No matter what is it, don't let other negativities bring you down." -msnosun, 2015

I am easily effected by negativities. I tend to over-thinks (a lot) and it somehow eating me inside earlier this year. Plus so much things happened especially the last quarter of last year so the situation wasn't pretty and I keep suppressing it by pretending I'm okay for almost for months, keep it all inside to myself and no one else except the world know how hard for me to even breathe sometimes. So during this sensitive time, I saw my friends are like have confident in what they did, they are great at what they did and i feel like I'm so small and people might have their own opinion to do stuff and during discussion and stuff, my self esteem level keep getting lower and lower. Plus, the comments and feedbacks I keep getting keep crushing what ever little that I have left so yeahhh~

"Keep doing what you do. When you love what you do, nothing else beats that feeling in this world." - msnosun, 2015 

I like writing. Earlier this year, I almost quit. I almost stop. Well  I did feel like stopping long ago when I lost my motivation to write and I suddenly don't feel like being a writer or a script writer. Because I think that I'm not good enough. The scripts that i wrote for assignment keep get changed and the storyline keep running off. I told myself, perhaps I'm not good enough and maybe I need to change to audio permanently (since I have interest in audio producing), like being a sound mixer or sound engineer. But I'm not that good at it too. But then I realized... I cannot go one day without scribbling on that pink notebook of mine that I bring wherever I go. And it feels great... Being able to write, to express myself in form of paper and pen, through the sound of the typing keyboard, it feels damn good when I get to create a new story idea, new concept and it's good to feel when editing audio when you want everything go smooth and in sync with the video like it enhance the whole watching experience. It feel damn great so now when I look at it... I was stupid for thinking to quit writing x'D 

"Take it (bad past) as a lesson that you want to be better than that person you used to be." - msnosun, 2015

I don't like the memory of mine in high school. Well not all... but 70%? I will leave out the details of the past memory xD I let the past haunts me, I let the stupid mistakes I did and those bad memories consume me. But then... we have to move forward don't we? When i see this quote I was like... Yeah... It all in the past, why not I learn to be a new person? Pick up the new attitude, new thinking and new everything? Be a better me. In the end the biggest enemy is yourself. 

"Prove them wrong. It may take long, but prove them wrong." - msnosun, 2015

They said... it's hard in this industry (I'm in media and broadcasting lol) and I agreed. They said it's hard to survive if you don't have the talent. This... I used to agree but ever since internship started it doesn't anymore. I gonna prove to everyone that said this industry are not needed and not important that we co-exist with everyone even to the most "look up" to works like doctor or lawyer or engineer because helllo~~ When you're stress... we pretty much that what you use to make yourself happy... Who gonna provide you entertainment? It gonna take a while for me to be sucess, I might not have much talent but I am a big believer of hard works pay off.. It will take a long time but I promise myself, no matter how hard it is, since this is the path I choose, I'll hang on and prove to them this industry and all industry, work and position are equally important. My parents used to not supporting me to be in media, mum want me to be in medicine field, my dad want me to just have office job and for me I don't want to get into scientific stuff anymore and i don't wanna be in office all year long so I choose this industry (after my first choice aka music got banned) when my parents finally saw my passion, they started to support and now I have my own f(amily)an club! XD So just like how I convince them I gonna prove it to other people as well! 

Out of all, the quote that hits me the most was...

"Fall, get back up again. Get back up again after you feel better." - msnosun, 2015

No one ever told me that it's okay to experience some bad or rough stuff, it's okay to breakdown, it's okay to be weak. You can take your time to feel better, don't push yourself to entertain anyone until you feel so. Perhaps, I used to care too much what people are saying about me. Perhaps, I want to be reliable to people around me so they won't feel insecure, so they can believe in me, they can depend on me. Perhaps, I keep pursuing to be perfect (even though I didn't notice that I was) to fulfill every role I play (daughter, friend, sister and so on) and I scared to make mistake. I forgot that one day, I'll fall. One day, this person that don't want to show her flaw, her imperfection will finally snapped, I forgot I'll breakdown. 

Being anxious most of the time and depressed once in a while, I forgot that I'm actually emotionally unstable. I used to be the listener that I forgot that I need to let go of the burden and share my problem. I've used to keep everything inside, I'm used to hide my true feeling to the world because I refuse to let other see me as weak. Like I keep showing people the hyper, happy and happy virus side of me so it's like a protective layer so people won't see how vulnerable I am inside.

I remember when I finally broke down, I was at my final point, I think this is the first ever meltdown in my life. Me and my dad argued. He said things he don't mean but until now it hurts, just because he is my dad, he should know better that I'm faking to be strong, when I am actually not strong at all. My parents keep emphasize how I should be a role model to my younger brother and sister as an eldest and slowly they shape a person that pursue for perfect though there's no such thing as perfect. I did something an elder sister would normally do but at the end I got scolded, so I was blaming myself (which if I can write it out I would write self-blaming as my number 1 talent). Automatically, I would stay alone on my bed reading for book when I started to get breakdown and the argument broke out. 

I forgot what the whole conversation was but what my dad said something has hurt me that I feel like I shouldn't born in this world. Maybe I was too sensitive but for a person that have so many of self-lacking (I know... I'm admitting this like da hell x'D) that time the only thing that came into my mind was, I don't wanna be in this world. I know... my dad don't actually mean it (well a late realization though) and my dad used to be hot tempered and said things he don't mean but when two emotional people argue, they tend to be selfless. That night, I was holding back from talking back to my dad until I was shaking. Whole family cried, my mum being torn into two place and I know I need a time alone, I told my mum, "Dad need you more than I do. Just go." but that time I wished she could have hug me instead. To tell me it's alright. It's okay. 

Ahh~ Why the tears keep flowing out xD As expected of certified crybaby. x'D Now me and my family are all in good terms, my dad make it like nothing happened that night, whole family did but for me that night was the turning point of the me now. I can say I've changed, at least 50%. Since that was my semester break, so I was taking my time, like heal myself. I told 3 person about this and I scared the hell out of them. I should just give them link to this blog cuz I didn't manage to tell one of them the whole story, 2 of them kindda know cuz they interrogate me like 2 days after that breakdown, when I just started to heal. 

That one friend of mine.. I know she is worried. I know she scared I kill myself. She scared I do stupid stuff. I wish I could have explain to her in details what I was feeling but I said like 10% of it and cry 90% of the rest lol I wish she would know all these things. I also wanted to tell her that even though I'm feeling much more better and coping much more better, that night the emotions that I tell them through messaging apps, is 100% real. I wasn't seeking for attention. It's true that I feel like dying, it's true that I feel like running away (but I have no where to go lol the irony) and those feelings are not just sayings. If the feelings are not genuine, I won't be here writing with tissues... And I really mean it x'D Until now even if I have problem I wouldn't tell anyone but I really learning to cope more than I used to, think more positively than I used to and laugh even more than I used to. 

So when i see this quote today, as if it give me comfort like saying, it's okay to fall, its okay to have slump or down time to breakdown. You can take your time to heal but when you really okay, put those behind and be a better person. 

Oh wow... It's almost an hour and I need to sleep. Hopefully I won't get puffy eyes tomorrow morning lol. Thank you guys for reading this experience of mine. Erm... I'm sorry for the poor grammar. It happen when I express myself but that where the emotion is when you write blog. You just focus on your emotions and not the grammar and spelling and stuff x'D That what I think. 

To Sun unnie, thank you... Somehow it helps people like me. Oh and do tell me (if you are reading this) if I quoted anything wrongly x'D 

So writers, don't be scared to write whatever you want and maybe one day you could have inspired anyone to do something or encourage people. Just like how Sun unnie did to me =) Just keep writing and don't lose your passion. ^^ <<<--- This ending is totally unrelated and random lol. Bye! Ppyong!