I was writing up the stories.
I know I should update YAMSS bi-weekly, apparently, there's a lot of errands to run, catching up with friends and family matters, I keep writing it offline and decide to slowly post when I think it's right x'D For that I'm sorry for the late update.
Anyway! I was writing stories, jumping from YAMSS to the new series and something keeps bugging me.
It's something small. It's kinda stupid, I already explained but there's a load on my chest and I have no idea why I felt so heavy after the whole thing and this topic keeps nagging me. I have no other place to vent and it's been a while I show up here in AFF so tadaaa~~~ 

Fan fiction... 
Is it purely fan fantasies? 
Well... Basically it is. I admit that.
I started writing because... I felt that there always stories that I wanted to read and since I can't find one, I make one.
Which came off very shabby with weak grammar and bad volcabulary. (Try comparing Can't Help Falling In You and Aeipathy for example; though Aeipathy wasnt that good too but there's massive difference x'D)
So basically that time, I wrote for myself, so I can re-read and cringe.
I read a lot of genres of fictions.
Since I like rom-com a lot, my first fiction was a rom-com. And it based on my fantasies on what those character would do in those situations.
It was handwritten, in Chinese because I was writing about Fahrenheit.
Then my friend (who already retired as a fangirl now x'D) wanted to read and I asked her what language should I used and she said Malay (I'm a Malaysian if you wondering why my friend told me to write in Malay x'D)
My malay wasn't so good (I'm at writing in Malay, that why I always get low grade in Malay which apparently people think it's shocking and Idk why lol) so there's a mix of english and malay here and there. That is how I gained my first reader!
Then I started to read other fanfiction and that how I started to write in English and discovered AFF.
That time I already was a B2uty. 
I started AFF with a Fahrenheit fiction which I already deleted from the list. 
I couldn't continue it since I know Chinese and that time I couldn't adjust myself x'D I wrote few oneshots then but yeah it still felt awkward.
Why I can write for Beast? Because basically we all need subtitles in English for their appearance in variety show or for their songs so it's easier to imagine x'D 
Anyway! As time passed, like you guys know it's already my 5th year here and I wrote tones of stories.
I think ever since the break I had before I started my degree, my greed to write better story with better plot and grammars become bigger.
Which in the end, making me love my major although it's not my first choice (Which is Broadcasting, Music was my first choice but my parents don't agree with it) even more when I have no idea what I'm suppose to do when I ended my degree. 
So! Broadcasting... 
I basically learn how to produce a show, how to create a content, you know all those video shooting stuff, starting from pre-production all the way to post-production. I guess some of you would already figure it out if you guys read my past blog posts.
I have to say, my couple of years writing stories actually pays off when I have to take Scriptwriting as my subject for one of the semester. 
From that point, I wanted to write more genres like fantasy, crime, drama (Family drama... I would like to try that) and so on.
I don't know since when but writing fanfiction has become a way to be better, to develop my creative side and to write better ideas. 
If you notice, I started to write more drama bases, take Aeipathy and You Are My Shining Star for example, it focus on passion.
Then in my oneshot series, you could see a few fantasy stories like Pray, Just A Kiss and Sad Ending. 
Painkiller was an attempt for mental health kinda story but I kinda lost it? I don't know. Because in the end, it seems more like a love story. T_T 
So basically now, it wasn't about fantasies about idols or for the sake of wanted people to read my story because I still holding strong with one thing, 
"I write because I want to and because I like to. Not for ratings, not for people or likes." 
One thing I'm thankful of holding on to that motto is, I gained a lot of readers and comments which basically boost up my mood to write more stories. Though you guys wasn't the main reason why I write but you guys did help me to hang on when I felt like quit writing (it happens a few times). So thank you so much!
Anyway~~ Now! I tried making up different stories to develop myself, who knows one day I really get to a script writer? 
So for me, fanfiction has change. The purpose to write and post is for me to improve.
It wasn't purely for fantasies anymore. In which I admit, I fantasized but story come first instead of the scenes. (Idk how to explain this lol) I could have write and create my own character but I choose not to because I like writing about my idols and it has become a habit for me to write about them. So it could be me writing story and put them up as my characters, instead of creating a new characters. 
I just wanna point out that, everyone have their own purpose to write, either it is for their own pleasure, hobby or people like me who want to improve, so I really hope people stop thinking that fangirls who wrote fanfic are erted or too delusional (cuz I got this two a lot -_-"). Even writing a good scenes need technique and style. 

Okay now that I realize, I should have tell what happened first x'D I already wrote a super long post and end up with a conclusion lol 
So~~ Last few days ago, I met with my friends, since I already completed my studies, waiting for convocation in March (yes it took my university that long x'D) and basically searching and waiting for offers for freelance job at the moment (Being a fangirl, a person who like to DIY and decorate stuff and reading, these hobbies are expensive and needs $$ T___T) so I went and catch up with them.
They asked me what I was up to and I told them that I'm taking a month off and maybe will get a job on November (or January) and while I'm at home, I help my mum with babysitting (my mum basically a nanny x'D) and do things I wanted to do, I decorated my name card holder (Where I put all my photocard), organized my room and decorating it (yes I do it too frequently nowdays x'D), learning how to play guitar or singing, reading and writing.
When they heard writing, they were like in disbelief or thinking that I have problems.
Yes.. I'm turning 22 this year, I am still a fangirl and unlike them I like to be a homebody. 
They think that 22 is too old for fangirl, I need to find a boyfriend (my uncle and aunts think that too -_-") and I'm too old for fantasizing idols.
They said I should write a realistic script instead and give it to TV station.
What they don't know... Who wanted a fresh graduate work? 
It's an amateur script and pitching ain't easy... They said it as if the TV station would love my idea in the first sight (I tried but nope it aint easy people).
So I planned to gain experience in the field first before really settling in, whether as foley master, an audio mixer or a script writer. 
They think that writing fanfiction is stupid and never gonna help me in anything beside helping me with my obsession about my idols.
I was about to get fired up but since it's been a while we get to gather around and hang out, I just told them that I have been writing different genres and writing fanfiction helped.
They said okay but their face show otherwise. 
I even heard one of them whispered, "She too stubborn to change, it would be hard for her to get a job in this industry." 
I let it go but it stayed as a load in my chest. 
Even when I'm writing, I keep re-reading a lot of time (partly because of editing, partly because I got lost while re-reading and editing because I think about the issue to much. In which I felt stupid for thinking about it too much like I couldn't justify myself T__T)

It's tiring. 
It has been like 5 years writing fanfiction and everyone around me keep saying it's a bad influence for me, ever since the first year I started writing.
But it's totally okay for my cousin sister (who a year younger) to write a story (on a book) and share the book among the family to read. In which they said she is talented and she is good. 
I'm like you guys won't even read mine and the link to my stories is what? A click away? 
It's not fair for me. But duhh what in the world is fair anyway.
That was also the reason that I kept feeling dispirited while writing so when I said your comments actually make my day and your subscriptions are actually helping me in boosting my confidence, I'm not joking because if not, I have gave up writing so long ago. 
I guess too much negativity especially direct negativity influence you somehow.
Though I write for myself, I thought it meaningless since people around me not supporting me.
At one point, I asked myself if it is worth it to write fanfiction, something I find my passion in. (brainwashed x'D)
The people who really supportive about this is my parents and my siblings. 
They would ask me if I'm slacking if they don't see me typing on my laptop for a while.
They would listen to my idea and told me where I should improve. 
So with your support, it make it bearable sometimes for the past 4 years. 
 

Ha~~~ Finally the load has been lifted!!
Writing actually helps people when you write properly, maybe through writing you get to gain strength. 
I did. I did when one of my unnies wrote a oneshot and yeappp I defintely gaining strength from it like I said in the previous post.
I hope to write a story like that soon. ^^
Anyway~ I still want to emphasize that every writer have their own purpose to write, so I hope you guys would find strength and keep holding on the passion you guys have. Even if it's not writing, please hold on to that passion of yours in whatever that fit your interest. ^^
Thank you for reading this darn long post and my rantings
I'll come again soon ^^

Yours truly, 
guardianstar.