If I'm to be honest, I probably could have predicted that I would experience a depressive episode again becuase deperession never really goes away. So, funfact, there are different types of depression but to keep things simple I'm going to only talk about the major one, and the one I have. There is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Dysthymia. MDD is usually the type of depression movies depict, not eating, staying in bed, losing the will to just get by. Now, all forms of depression are bad, some are more severe than others, but all should be taken seriously because depression can transform into something more. Now, Dysthymia is less severe but the symptoms last much longer. I started to experience this during middle-school and I just thought that this was who I am now. It didn't get bad until I got older and even then it was hard to accept that I let myself become like this. That was the wrong mindset; however, because depression can affect anyone and it's no one's fault. With having this chronic depression though, I forgot what it felt like to be in that low again becuase sometimes you do feel better. Once you get help and start to feel happier it's hard to remember what it was like to be sad, to wallow in that low. I'm not saying that, if you have depression, you should live in constant fear of it coming back, but I think it's important to prepare yourself when it does. I was wrong to think my fight was over just because things were better for a while, and I did myself an even greater injustice by letting the gradual drop keep going until I reached a breaking point. I don't speak for everyone who has depression, but I think the general mindset is that if you fall back into it you feel like you've failed, you failed at living life and I didn't want that so I rejected the reality going on. That was my biggest mistake. My thoughts are scattered now and I feel a sense of guilt over things that happened in the past that were beyond my control. Everytime I hold a knife, drive, or look at speeding cars, I can't help but feel how easy it would be to just end it all. I'm not in the deep end but it doesn't matter because my feet are no longer touching the ground. Essentially, I'm starting to give up. It's a slow process, but I've asked and begged god, the universe, every diety to be honest many times for help or strength to get through this. A sign that things will get better because I can't trust my own thoughts anymore but it all feels pointless. All this stagnant energy around me, constantly getting nowhere, has beaten me down and I'm just truly tired of it all. 

Now, in no way am I trying to seek attention or romanticizing depression because this is a serious mental health issue that takes millions of lives world-wide and should be treated as any serious health problem. Just becuase you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. Depression is horrible and afflicts so many people and no one tells you about this. No one discusses these problems and as a consequence when people develop them they will just think it's part of their personality. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be healthy, to not fall into this slump where death seems like an easy Plan B, but that is not a luxury I can afford. I want to think things happen for a reason, but this tunnel I'm in seems to go on for miles and the light is always out of my reach. 'Just keep going' 'It will get better' I've heard these phrases repeated time and time again but the people who say that don't really understand. It's easy to say that when it's not you, when you're on the other end. I just want to say to be mindful when you're talking to people who are depressed because our thought process are altered because of the depression and to understand that just somedays we shut everyone out because it's easier that way. 

There are a few things that I want you all to keep in mind if you plan on commenting, please do not tell me to just try and stay positive. It is incredibly difficult to stay positive and really see anything great about the world when you are depressed. I understand that you mean well, but you might as well tell someone who is depressed to just 'be happy' which does nothing for us. If you have been through depression, then by all means feel free to share your advice and experience, but if you can't relate the best thing you can do if you know someone who is depressed is just be there for them and to listen. In closing, if you are struggling with depression and you feel like you're losing yourself in it, seek help. Depression is an ugly, ugly thing that is not the real you, it does not make up who you are and it can be treated. Please, seek help. You don't have to fight this alone, reach out because there are people who will be willing to help you and it's never too late to seek help. You are not weak for being unable to deal with it, it just means you're human. I hope you all have a safe day and be mindful of your health.